The Six Little Words

                                                   

                                                     ...that hit a nerve.

As an adopted person as well as a former foster parent I joined an online group of local foster/adoptive families.  I had never commented on a thread before this one.  Needless to say, I was shocked when doing so generated such fire.

It all started when a woman questioned the group about changing a foster child's name upon adoption, and I responded with this simple question...

"Why change a child's birth name?" 

That prompted several commenters responding with passionate reasons as to why they changed their child's entire name. Although I respectfully agreed that in some instances it may be necessary to change a child's name for safety reasons, I offered the perspective that honoring a child's name may actually honor a child. 

I was angrily accused of asking parents to honor a (nothing but trash) birth family who was responsible for the reason these children need foster care/adoption in the first place.  I made the point that a child is very much defined by their name and by honoring their name alone, it *may* be the best way in which to honor the child.  Honoring a child's heritage, by finding something good in the child's family line for the child to embrace and be proud of as who they are biologically, will honor and increase a child's self-esteem.

I offered a differing perspective of how an adopted person *may* process a name change as feeling that their very personhood is so "shameful" that they need to be somehow "amended" in order to be accepted or cared for.   

It only got worse from there.  Did I not realize that domestic adoption cannot be compared to foster adoption IN ANY WAY?  Among other things, I was told I was being self-righteous and "angry" and to "find a therapist". 

"THEY were the ones who needed to be honored because they were the ones who were sacrificing to take in and love the children who society throws away."   

Shell shocked, I reached out to an adoptee friend for moral support and she said something very profound. 

"Adoptees have no rights, and everyone knows it"

Why I was expecting to be treated like an equal in this discussion rather than reprimanded like a perpetual child, I have no clue.  I should have known when one commenter (adoptive mother and therapist) asserted during this unbelievable discussion, "We can only hope, with the right upbringing and home environment, OUR children will 'make the right choices'.

Since also being accused of only wanting to perpetuate an "agenda" and "get more material" for my blog, and finding this seems to be a much safer place to share differing perspectives on adoption, I guess I'll oblige. 

Here are a few of the best of 159 comments these six words sparked.  It felt reminiscent of the diner scene in Lee Daniel's The Butler.  Between throwing stones, the commenters revealed quite a bit about the prejudices of some who adopt.

Coupled with the fact our state has one of the highest adoption rates in the nation and the revenue this generates, these comments made me seriously question the pre- and post-adoption services our system is providing, and the effects it may be having on the children we serve.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"For us we are considering it because of the direct threats to kidnap the children after adoption. This would make it harder for them to find them in a school .. their names are quite unique and our daughters name is most definitely a strippers name..."

"We feel names hold significant meaning and our daughter was named after an aunt who was killed at 2 years old from physical abuse.  Her mother was a product of foster care as well.  I wanted to sever the backgrounds and by choosing a name and praying extensively and continuing to pray for our daughter not to be affected by the generational sins of the prior family my hope is that she won't be affected by her biological background."

"We chose to rename to give them a fresh start. The oldest was 5...

It was quite easy, done on the day of adoption.  Smooth, no problems.

For me, I didn't want them to have anything else from their parents..."

"My son will learn to pray for his bio family. He will learn compassion and the need for volunteerism in our community. He will learn to forgive. He will learn that he is adored, safe, nurtured, loved and protected. He will learn all of these things with the name his father and I chose for him on his adoption day and I assure you that he will be no worse the wear for it. His bio parents do not qualify for honor and please do not assume that just because they are blood that they do."

"I have never fostered or adopted. I have raised a stepdaughter from the age of 4, and I have been a Child Welfare worker for the past 14 years (approximately). I have seen many joyful adoptions of custody children. Most chose to change the names. More emphasis should be on honoring these wonderful adoptive parents who have helped save these children."

My comment:  "I wonder if a child in the system somehow receives the prevailing message that they are more valuable if they get a "forever family"...considering they are attending adoption "parties"?  Could it be that they will take on a new name to avoid further perceived rejection or to please?"

"Not sure of what you mean of the child feeling more valuable. I can tell you from my and my children's experience they do feel more love than they did with their bio parents. We got to know them and picked their names individually for them. I'm sure to them that is valuable and important."

 

"My husband and I labored over choosing each of our children's names. Part of changing a name is to signify an event that changes the course of someone's life (Abraham, Paul, etc.). Our son's names cast a vision for their futures. When my Heavenly Father adopted me through His Son He changed my name. God identifies me as His now. I don't own my son but I have made a commitment to provide for and to protect him in front of a judge. It's a big deal."

"I think you have successfully ticked off some very amazing men and women. Long-suffering men and women. It has been rude and inappropriate. Please do not continue to belittle the sacrifices made to love our children.  What a sad life you must have lived to be so antagonistic towards adoptive parents. I pray you find peace."

"Obviously, we all know that children can question things, be abrasive, search for biological roots, etc. All any of us can hope for is that as parents, they provided the right environment, proper encouragement, unconditional love and support, etc. for those children to make the correct choices..."

"How exactly do YOU suggest I handle telling my three children what happened to them?? Or maybe I never should, maybe I should let them forever glorify their "wonderful" family line that no one wanted...and gave away like unwanted trash. What wise words of wisdom do YOU suggest?"

My response: "Maybe do a complete family history for your boys and find things you can honor and that your child can embrace as part of their amazing selves. Even if it has to go back several generations. They got something that you love from it.  If they perceive that you consider their family line as monsters or trash they will perceive themselves that way as well no matter how you work to cut the ties and hope they identify with you."

"OKDHS does a very thorough history on each child. That is given (redacted to comply with federal and state laws) to the adoptive parents prior to adoption. The possibility of going back generations is not feasible for foster children. Most of that information is not available. Further, it would be imprudent to use state resources in such a way."

"To answer your question "Is their identity as connected with their biological heritage so horrible that they need to be amended somehow as well?"  Yes, sometimes it is. And most of us here believe in redemption.  It changes their family connections as well. 

When you get in the trenches with us and do what we do then come back and let us know if you changed your child's name from "Mercedes Satin Dancer" to Jane Doe.  I pray you know the redeeming love of Jesus."

My response:  "I personally would embrace Mercedes Satin Dancer and show her that she, her name, and her blood line are not something she needs to severe herself from to be embraced and loved as she is."

"Not sure what you wanted out of this but I hope your intentions were not bad. I would hope that you are not suggesting that we keep the child's name and build up their bio parents so the child feels some sort of connection to the sickos who abused them."

"My family fosters. My only siblings are adopted. I have seen all sides to this. My sisters want nothing to do with a family that did not love them. They only wish for medical history. "Honoring" the family that was responsible for their lot in life is not on anyone's agenda. These kids' worth is not in many generations of abuse and sin. It is in the love they now have. The family they now have."

"I have preserved a copy of my sons original birth certificate for him but I haven't seen the new one so I'm not sure how it reads yet. I guess the old one is more important though, since his whole life with a family who adores him is nothing more than indentured servitude wrapped in a ribbon of lies."

My response:  "The love is not a lie, but the birth certificate he lives with is.  I personally feel that every child should have the right to their original identity and it may be more truthful and loving to keep their obc intact and issue a certificate of adoption, rather than amending the birth certificate.  It might actually help children process their losses more honestly, not having the added complexity of identity and loyalty issues." 

"As a therapist, I've frequently helped in name changes. Many of us honor the children by changing their names. We may even pass down names from our family to them. This is a way of attaching and bonding.  Sometimes the most therapeutic thing that can be told a child is YOU ARE NOT YOUR NAME.  You can be different."

"We are adopting a 10 year old and a 21 month old. .. Have had them for over a year. ...I wanted to change their name .... But realized it was about my feelings. .. The 10 year old had always known her 21 month old brother as his birth name. ....I had to give up my feelings of wanting to name him because she values his birth name. ... Each situation is different" 

Response from therapist:  "Did you discuss name changes with the 10-year-old?  She might have some suggestions that would work beautifully.  I can't help but remind us of the long Biblical tradition of changing names when a new life was started. Even Christ himself both changed Saul to Paul and is know himself by different names.  We embrace the chance of something new."

"That's a great reference to the Bible, also Abram/Abraham! We changed our adopted children's names...and yes, their new birth certificate looks exactly like my bio kids' and doesn't even denote that they are adopted.  A new birth certificate is required by Federal law."

"We have the new birth certificate and it just shows me as mother and my husband as father. It doesn't say "adopted mother", just "mother". I agree that he should have access to his original birth certificate, but that is not my decision. The state of Oklahoma seals it. Not every state does, but ours does. There's nothing I can do about that. I just think all the banter here is crazy. I feel honored to fill in the roll as Mother and I cried when I saw my name on his birth certificate."

18 year old adoptee:  "When you sit there and tell an entire group of parents that they need to "honor" the biological families, that's where you messed up. My baby brother whom we just adopted, had his name changed because he was a third generation of his name. We changed his name because we didn't want him to be constantly reminded of his father.  By keeping his name as the third, we were making him a branch off his father whom is a failure, psychologically that would put him in a state of self fulfilling prophecy and could make him feel like he must be like his father since he shares his name. I know this is the case because I myself feel like I'm just as worthless as my biological mom because we share the same blood.  The only worth I have is from my adoptive parents and two years of counseling...The only ones who should be honored are the foster/adoptive parents who fix us screwed up kids. Until you have a foster kid, and the state won't work with you to do what's best for the kid and you have to fight with everything you have to be able to keep the kid in your custody and then you finally are able to adopt them and give them the family and love they deserve, than I think you should keep your mouth shut about the topic."

My response:  "So appreciate you sharing and I'm so sorry for the experiences you have dealt with.  As I've tried to explain, I am not suggesting we honor abusive parents.  I was simply trying to say that we as adoptees are honored if we can find and embrace (and our adoptive parents acknowledge) ourselves as whole persons wonderfully a part of all our heritages, even though people's choices can be cruel.  I am sorry you feel worthless because you came from your mother.  You got worth and beauty from your entire heritage and it made you into the beautiful person your adoptive parents know and love."

"The Sound of Hope" Book Tour

                                                                             

"A feeling of kinship instantly formed...we each unwittingly carried an ugly scar deep within our souls made on the day we were separated from our birth families ~ we suffered being cut off from our biological roots." ~ Anne Bauer, "The Sound of Hope"

As a fellow "reunited" adoptee, born in the 60's (a Wild World indeed), it was an amazing experience to read Anne Bauer's story in "The Sound of Hope."

I felt such a kinship, as my memories and emotions sailed along with her as she journeyed through the realization of being adopted (and all it entailed), her childhood memories and young adulthood... through search & reunion with her first family.

I cannot even begin to list the similarities in our life-stories...growing up as adopted kids, our "waking up" years after college, and reunion journey with our natural families (my first family also attended my wedding)...it is uncanny.  It was an honor and blessing to be able to walk with you through your story as a fellow adoptee.  You brought back so many memories and reflections of my own 20-plus year reunion...the ups and downs, the changes & growth, and the deep insights I've gained in becoming "real".  I so wish I had known other adoptees and could have learned from books like yours 20 years ago when I was walking the same journey.  What a blessing that would have been.  Now you are that voice for so many...and helping others find their voices as well.     

As I was reflecting on the power of your story, and the beautiful title of your book (I LOVED "The Sound of Music" growing up too), I thought of a lighthouse.  When the fog is so thick that ships lose their way and can't see the bright circling light... the low, mournful sound of a foghorn guides them to safety through the fearful and threatening waves.  You were vulnerable enough to share your journey so others can hear the sound of authenticity and find their way through the treacherous seas of search and reunion...out of the fog. 

I am honored to be part of this book tour and participate in Lori Holden's online book club...to meet so many amazing authors and glean from the thoughts and discussions of other bloggers.   

I'd like to highlight some of the quotes from Anne's book that really stood out to me, and share some thoughts and feelings they brought up.  I may even link some previous blog posts I've written through the years (click on the highlighted words throughout this post to see them), as I reminisced and reflected on the kinship journey we have taken as adoptees.

Like Anne, my childhood was very much influenced by my maternal grandmother.  In fact, we lived with her throughout most of my young life.  Our families shared some of the same dysfunctions and I especially related to the experience of having an adoptive mother who thought problems would just disappear if they were not addressed...it brought deep silence in my soul.  It took many years to finally "wake up" to my own needs and emotions, and not tip-toe around the needs of her and my grandmother.  In fact, I felt overly responsible for their emotional well-being, much like Anne did her parents. 

I, too, found that searching (even though emotionally treacherous at first) actually brought me closer to my adoptive family and brought about healthier relationships.  I could finally embrace myself and my families (both by birth and adoption) as a real person.   

I think alot of adoptees share this burden, because we are, indeed, "commodities" and our very identities and lives are amended to fulfill a role and needs of parents who often have unspoken (or sometimes loudly spoken) expectations and misinformation about adoption.  Children are not the benefactors in the adoption system.  Anne brought that point out with true grace.

                                                                         

            
Even the cover of "The Sound of Hope" was profound...the hand of a child being held by a shadowy, unknown figure.  To me, it seemed to pair nicely with some thoughts Anne expressed toward the end of her book.

"...birth parents are indeed present throughout an adoptee's childhood...they were real to me, and they became a part of who I was and am now. These phantom parents were with me every day, every minute, every second of my life."

"The existence of my other parents was a mere fact, and once divulged, it was supposed to be forgotten. But how does one ever forget such a thing as having another family, a mysterious family you know exists but that you're never allowed to see or even talk about? The whole adoption setup struck me as institutionalized brainwashing."

                                             Isaiah 11:6 ~ Secrecy is (truly) a burden.

"...this realization (the true meaning of being adopted) entered like a charging bull, taking hold of my naive preconceptions and throwing them to the wind. It left me feeling half naked, as if I was missing some part of myself. But the lasting impression was clear...I was different from everyone else...adopted."

When finding the courage to begin my own search, I too, shared Anne's deep fears and saw the irony ..."it felt so devious...but then again, it was my own information."

When Anne's co-workers asked her the ever familiar question of how her search "...affected her mother?", instead of sharing her own deep anguish, she said, "I smiled."

That's what we adoptees do. We are programmed to be forever concerned about other's feelings, and get weary of explaining, being misunderstood, and seen as "ungrateful" betrayers.  Like Anne's fiance, even those closest to us have a hard time understanding. It seems everyone is most concerned about the feelings of our parents. "How are THEY taking this?...Matthew's words stung."

"I just can't understand why you need to find somebody who's a stranger to you."..."She isn't a stranger; she's my mother."

 I relate so deeply with Anne when she said, "It hurt that he didn't even ask how I was doing..." Yes, we adoptees can feel isolated and alone, even when around others - for this very reason.

And then there are those adoptee dreams...Anne shared a dream she had of a shadowy, veiled building housing herself and her mother before relinquishment, in which...

..."The baby screamed and screamed while the girl cried softly along.  It was my birth mother.  She was devastated, and her pain came rushing in like a fast-moving flame and burned from the inside out, devouring me."  I believe adoptees carry within our bodies the silenced pain of our mothers.  We are forever connected. 

In Chapter 22 "First Encounter", Anne describes an "unnatural" social awkwardness when first meeting her (birth) Mother...."I was mortified of my reaction and wished I'd given her a hug or at least looked into her eyes and said hello." 

I so related to Anne's feelings.  I, too, felt very unnatural.  Here I had searched and found them, yet I was not able to express the elation I felt inside...only jittery nervousness and profound worry about what they thought of me.  I was terrified that their warm reception was only out of obligation and not sincere.  I couldn't receive acceptance because I was so numb.   

I was relieved to hear Anne later write that her first Mother "...didn't appear affected by my awkwardness...she continued to stare at me with a broad smile." 

My family members did the same...as if they somehow understood, and weren't judging me.   I was the "lost child" in the equation.   I so wish I had been easier on myself and less critical of my every move.  Adoptees feel very foreign, even to ourselves.  It took me many years to feel comfortable in my own skin, even AFTER reunion.

Like Anne, ..."There were no words to express my astonishment at finally seeing someone I resembled."  CONNECTION to the human race.  Connection to ourselves, finally!   

"The Letter" (Chapter 23)

"I never saw you with my eyes, but I know you with my heart."  ~ what a beautiful gift Anne was given in the letter from her (first) Mother.

This sentence of the book brought my first tear...and then they wouldn't stop.  When I found that my first Mother had registered with ALMA before she died, I quickly called them, so hoping that she had left me a letter or personal message....anything.  The ALMA volunteer was ecstatic that she found "a match", but she was met with my profound disappointment when asked if there was any type of personal message left by my Mother.  Nothing.  I don't think she felt she had the "right". 

Knowing my Mother searched for me and registered with ALMA (as early as the late 70's) has given me much needed validation.  Her brother reassured me again and again, of the yearning to find her only child, even mentioning me right before she died.  Tears. 

I have received several cards over the years from my first Father, who, like Anne's first Father, is also Jewish (extremely interesting article), that have brought further healing to my soul...cards to "My Daughter" with beautiful sentiments that seemed to say exactly what I longed to hear.    

So happy that Anne was given this gift of "The Letter" from her first Mother...I know how very special it feels.  And also, the grief it unlocks. 

"I was unable to move.  Her words tore through my flesh and sunk deep within the very core of my body where they mingled with the essence of my being, and for a split second - where time seemed to stand still - every emotion she had felt and the twenty-three-year void rippled through my body.  She'd been completely heartbroken, and I ached from the pain.  None of it was fair."

In Chapter 26, during a visit to her first family's home, Anne comments about feeling "so comfortable and right at home..."  Then her eyes are drawn to a family portrait on the wall. 

"You all look great," I said softly.  My own voice startled me.  There was a hint of envy laced in my tone when I realized I wasn't part of their family portrait.  Their smiles in the photograph, frozen in time, taunted me as if saying I'd lost my chance.  I was too late to be a part of their family."

                      "I was so swamped with sorrow that it was difficult to breathe." 

Even after 20 years,  when I read memoir's, such as Anne's, I find myself breathing shallow and having to lay the book aside at times, overwhelmed with layer after layer of emotion that well back up...feelings so familiar, that I, too, have lived and experienced, as a fellow adoptee in reunion.

The only way out, is through.  Anne Bauer...your strength and spunk is an inspiration.  And I'm so blessed to have been introduced to "The Sound of Hope" through this book tour.

To visit the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at  http://lavenderluz.com/2013/04/adoptlit-sound-of-hope-book-tour.html

 




     

Things I Wish I Had Known

                                       © Photographer: Arneke | Agency: Dreamstime.com

 

Things I wish I had known:

   I didn't need to feel rejected as a child and young adult wondering HOW a mother could give her child away (ie. "place for adoption") because of "Love". 

I wish I had learned much earlier about the societal history of shame

(see Ann Fessler's book, The Girls Who Went Away),
and a financially driven, supply & demand based industry that explains the reason most babies become "available" for adoption.

My mother didn't "place" me because she loved me.
She certainly didn't reject me.
She surrendered her own motherhood/child because of a society that rejected her, and

only accepted me if I was removed from her and my original, true identity.

 I didn't have to be confused by the myth that it must be God's will for me to lose my mother, family, identity, and original life so I could be "chosen".
To gain my new family, life, love, and blessings.

I grew up trying to force this idea into my head & heart, but it was completely incongruent with life, truth, and the adoptee's reality.

I lived with emotions of extreme guilt for feeling disloyal, wondering how I could really love my adoptive family if I had feelings of loss and longing.

I was relieved to "wake up" and realize that, like Joseph, when he was reunited with his original family, I also concluded,
"What the ENEMY meant for evil (separation, loss), God eventually turned for good."

I didn't have to be fearful and distrusting of God anymore because it was impossible to understand (what adults tell most adoptees for their own benefit) how God PLANNED and WILLED for me to be adopted.
He didn't orchestrate it.

I once heard an eye-opening sermon by Pastor Dick Bernal ("Jubilee Christian Center"). 
 He was talking about scriptures in the New Testament that spoke of us being "adopted" as God's own children. After doing an in-depth study on the word translated into "adopted", he found that the original meaning in the Greek language more closely resembled "reunited" or "reinstated."

First John even uses the Greek word "sperma" to describe us as God's beloved children. The Prodigal Son certainly wasn't his Father's "adopted" son, he was his biological offspring. 

 It was comfort to this adoptee's soul to hear this revelation. 
 That God didn't NEED to "adopt" me as His child in the same sense "adoption" is used today.

The scriptures also teach that anything hidden in darkness and secrecy cannot be truly made whole.

Yet adoptees' records and birth certificates are sealed by laws which perpetuate this shame and injustice.
Even "open adoption" is not legally enforceable by law, and certainly doesn't negate the profound loss every adoptee experiences.

I wish I had known that, just like Wilbur Wilberforce, Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Jean Patton,  
that it takes a lot of courage, fortitude, and perseverance to keep voicing an "unpopular" opinion, but a lived experience.

That I don't have to feel like the lone duck and the odd-one-out.
 I can stand up to criticism, with courage. That someday the cost will be worth it.

Until the monetary & marketing aspects in adoption are removed, and every adopted individual in America is restored their God-given right to own their original birth certificate and identity, adoption will continue to be simply an enterprise of human-selling.
Children who truly need loving homes will be overlooked and discarded.

Loving and capable Mothers will continue to be pressured to "do the right thing" and relinquish their precious offspring to those willing to pay.

And adopted individuals will continue to be seen as perpetual children in the eyes of the law and society, being treated with contempt and shame for wanting the same right as every other American citizen, for themselves and their children after them ~ simply to know their true genealogy, identity, medical history, and family line.

Senate Inquiry Hears Evidence

Senate inquiry hears harrowing evidence on forced adoptions

Sept. 29, 2011
Sabra Lane

"There is some people that have not even got a proper birth certificate and they don't even know their proper name. Mothers have given evidence that when they went to some of these institutions where they gave birth, they were admitted under a false name and that false name was put on the birth certificate.

Imagine trying to find who you are, tracing through that evidence chain. It is just non-existent."

TONY EASTLEY: A Senate committee has heard heart-breaking evidence from mothers who say they were forced to give up their babies for adoption.

The inquiry is examining whether the Commonwealth drafted legislation which the states and territories then used to compel unwed mothers to hand over their babies.

Chief political correspondent, Sabra Lane.

SABRA LANE: Judy McPherson wrote out her testimony.

JUDY MCPHERSON: If you'd bear with me, I've not done this before.

SABRA LANE: But she struggled to read it.

JUDY MCPHERSON: My daughter was born in Queen Victoria Maternity Hospital in Melbourne in November, 1964 and I first met her in 1990 (audibly upset).

SABRA LANE: A friend continued for her.

JUDY MCPHERSON'S FRIEND: I was given medication that had a profoundly sedative effect. I awoke at the moment of birth semi-conscious. I imagined my arms reaching to the door at the far left hand corner of the room as the nurse and doctor ran towards that door. I don't wish to speak to this anymore as it is very distressing.

This is the part of my birthing story that was rewritten by the issuing of a second birth certificate.

SABRA LANE: Judi McPherson's name was removed from her daughter's birth certificate; sealed records made it difficult for her to track her.

Christine Cole was 16, when her baby was taken from her at Sydney's Crown Street Women's Hospital. She's researched the history of forced adoptions in NSW for a PhD.

She's given evidence that in the 50s, 60s and 70s it was common practice that unwed mothers, often teenagers, were forced to hand over their babies.

The committee's heard evidence that many of these women were drugged and in some cases their signatures were forged on adoption papers.

CHRISTINE COLE: The file was marked BFA (Baby For Adoption). That was marked by the social worker whilst the mother was pregnant and when she first was interviewed by the social worker. They assumed that an unwed, unsupported mother - her baby was going to be up for adoption many months prior to giving birth. That reflected an internal health department policy.

SABRA LANE: The Australian Institute of Family Studies is currently examining how many women and children were the victims of forced adoptions.

The support group Origins says it can't accept a formal apology, as some mothers still don't know the truth - that they were unknowingly duped into a process known as a "rapid adoption".

That was a practice where the parents of a recently stillborn child were given a substitute baby - often from an unwed mother, who was wrongly told her child had died during or soon after birth. Origins spokeswoman Lily Arthur.

LILY ARTHUR: We have been approached since this enquiry started by women who have actually investigated what they thought was their stillbirths and have found out that there was in fact adoptions taking place. Now while ever there are women who do not know that they still have children out there, you can't apologise for these crimes that remain hidden.

SABRA LANE: The committee's considering whether the Commonwealth played a role in drafting the legislation used by the states and territories to carry out these adoptions.

It will also examine whether the Commonwealth should apologise, pay compensation, help with counselling costs and whether it should establish one central office to help separated families to reconnect.

TONY EASTLEY: The Senate committee inquiry is due to complete its final report in late November.

The inquiry chairwoman, Greens Senator Rachel Siewart is speaking here with our chief political correspondent Sabra Lane.

RACHEL SIEWART: It is a very emotionally charged inquiry. You really feel for the witnesses giving evidence. There is no inquiry yet that I've been at, or a hearing that I've been at for this inquiry that I haven't shed some tears. I think it is the same for other senators and certainly for the witnesses.

For some witnesses, it is the first time they have told their story in public. They are very powerful stories, they're harrowing and there is certainly ample evidence that these forced adoption practices were carried out in this country.

SABRA LANE: Some people are looking for an apology. Others say that they don't want that apology while there are still women who are under the impression that they gave birth to babies that were stillborn or who died shortly thereafter and there is evidence that those children are still alive.

RACHEL SIEWART: There is a group of women that very strongly support an apology and they look to the apology that the West Australian Government gave towards the end of last year and look at what a powerful response there has been to that but there is also a group of women that are saying, no, it is not appropriate to have an apology now. There is a lot of unfinished business.

They think there is illegal practices here that they want investigated, that there was mothers that were told their babies had died or were stillborn and then subsequently found out that in fact those babies lived and in fact will now be adults and that they haven't been able to trace them yet or, and more importantly some mothers don't know - they were told that their baby had died or was just stillborn and in fact they don't know whether that is in fact the truth.

And it has been raised previously where there was evidence from a mother who had been told the baby had died when in fact she subsequently found out that it was alive.

We've also had evidence from mothers who said that the experience was so traumatic that they actually had blocked it out and they weren't aware that they had given birth and they subsequently found out that they had.

The depths of the despair and the emotional impact this issue has had on these mothers is incalculable and there is certainly issues that we need to address here.

SABRA LANE: For some women and some children though, no amount of apology or money will ever be able to soothe their souls.

RACHEL SIEWART: That's right. There is some people that I believe have been irreparably hurt and it has had lifelong ramifications. That is not to say that therefore that we shouldn't be offering every, you know, as much support as we can - specialised counselling support, access to the medical services that are required, access to better record systems.

There is some people that have not even got a proper birth certificate and they don't even know their proper name. Mothers have given evidence that when they went to some of these institutions where they gave birth, they were admitted under a false name and that false name was put on the birth certificate.

Imagine trying to find who you are, tracing through that evidence chain. It is just non-existent.

TONY EASTLEY: Greens Senator Rachel Siewart who is also the inquiry chairwoman, speaking there with our chief political correspondent Sabra Lane.

http://www.abc.net.au/am/content/2011/s3328313.htm

The Tapestry of Life

For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. ~ Luke 8:17 ~

I've been hesitant to write this entry, simply because there is much I would like to express ~ so many layers. I truly don't know where to start, or end.

I thank God for teaching me that He is trustworthy. Yes, even this adoptee (whose name actually means "teachable") with major trust issues. I cried out and He has answered me, in so many ways. One way He has proven His love is through the miraculous birth of my son, six years ago. He was born in January, three months early, weighing only one pound.

A year after his birth, I was reading the Bible and happened to come across the story of the Passover in Exodus.

You see, when my son was born, we believed that the healing power of God's Word could infuse life in his frail body. Just like the Hebrew children in Exodus applied the blood over their doorposts, (hence, destruction "passed over" them) we put our faith in Jesus' blood to save our son.

My son, pay attention to what I say;
turn your ear to my Words.
Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
for they are life to those who find them
and health to one’s whole body.

~ Proverbs 4:20-22 ~

It wasn't until a year later, and reading about this account in the book of Exodus did I notice that my son's birthday was the "14th day of the 1st month" ~ the same day the Israelites celebrated their deliverance from slavery & death. I felt like God was reassuring me (yet again) that He knew when my son would be born, and had Life for him.

My son's due date would have been April 8th. In today's calender, Jew's celebrate Passover in April. God KNEW I would need double-confirmation that it was truly Him who watched over my son's birth and deliverance. I write with overwhelming thankfulness and tears.

The day after my son's birth, I was sitting in the hospital bed with my Bible open, searching for comfort and strength. Amazingly I came across a scripture which gave just that.

"He will comfort you as a mother comforts her child".
~ Isaiah 66:13 ~

I was in despair, not being able to hold my son, feeling all those waves of relinquishment, loneliness, and abandonment wash over me ~ so distraught that my son was alone, without his mother, feeling the same emptiness I had become accustomed to, as an adoptee. BUT GOD spoke to me through that scripture.

He is able to comfort us just like our own mother would have, could have, should have. His comfort could fill that need for me, and for my son.

Adoptees, His banner over us is LOVE, and it covers us ~ from birth, through relinquishment, adoption, and search.

I found my natural family years ago and was surprised to find out that I came from a large Jewish clan. It has been amazing to find these roots and identify, finally, with my heritage. My son's heritage. God is truly about heritage and family. Even when families were separated (look at stories like Moses & Joseph) God brought reunion, reconciliation, truth, and miracles out of the pain people experienced. We have to believe.

"The Prince of Egypt" is the story of Moses and the complexities of his adoption, search, reunion, and destiny. It is my son's favorite movie right now, so I've had the privilege of watching it many times!

Here are just a few thoughts I could relate to in Moses' journey as an adoptee.

One poignant quote was when Moses was confronted with his true identity and he fled in fear. First, he ran back to Pharaoh's palace to surround himself with the only identity & familiarity he found comfort in. It took a lot for him to slowly "wake up" to his true identity as an Israelite and realize that the life he had lived was not his complete story. A distantly familiar lullaby finally helped him realize, "I did not see because I did not wish to see."

In the midst of this emotional upheaval, Moses' burned with anger (a very real component of grief) and killed an Egyptian man (his adoptive heritage) who was attacking an Israelite (his birth heritage). He couldn't forgive himself, and so he fled from it all into the desert.

There, God sent refreshing waters to revive him as he stripped off everything he thought he knew, and he met and married Zipora, who helped him "re-join the dance" and see the tapestry of his life "Through Heaven's Eyes".

How often adoptee's wander in a wilderness of isolation because fiercely ingrained loyalty issues quench and skew our true emotions, rather than being free to live in truth & authenticity?

Moses was led by God to return to his family of birth. He didn't cower from his "Exodus", even though it would have been easier to. He couldn't deny his identity and his heritage. It was who he was. Adoptees can't deny who we are.

God will reveal the hidden things, and set our people free of sealed records, amended identities, secrecy and shame. This time must come.

He split the sea right down the middle so Moses could lead his people to freedom. Adoptee's must cross over their dichotomy of adopted self versus authenticity in much the same way.

Brother & Birthday Blessings

© Photographer: Chepko | Agency: Dreamstime.com

I've known my half-brothers since first being reunited in 1990.
I so wish I had known HOW to grow close to them at that time, because it was then they were more open. The relationship was new and exciting, but I was shell-shocked and unprepared, and was scared they didn't really want to know me, even with the clues they gave otherwise.

It is now 20 years later and I am ready to be close, but they don't seem as interested now.
I still try, though, and my youngest brother had a birthday yesterday. We had just seen each other at a family gathering a few days earlier. In person we always seem to hit it off but just don't seem to go any farther with communication or closeness.

Anyway, he had mentioned something about how he wished his life could count for more at his age and even appeared a little discouraged. I took the opportunity to write a him a short email on his birthday about how he is an asset to everyone who knows him because of his sweet personality and character and how I am so glad to know him.
He emailed me right back (unusual) and said how much he appreciated that. He even called me "Sis"! Wow! What a beautiful gift he gave me on HIS birthday!

It reminded me of a few years ago when he had given me the sweetest card on my birthday ~ one for "Sister". My heart melted and still melts. I just so wish we could spend more time together and actually have those every day moments we lost as brother and sister. Lord, help me to keep taking the risks and reach out. Give us these moments of time and closeness.

This goes to show how in reunion we can never give up on building these connections, even through the years. I'm glad I kept trying, even though it was (is) such an emotional rollercoaster. There have been several times I've thought about just giving up.  

I am convinced that the emotions of reunion are so deep that it causes everyone involved to do the "two steps forward, one step back" dance their entire lives. Many reunions become casualties because of it. I'm so thankful for books and healing, because it wasn't until I faced my own disenfranchised grief and walked through it, that I could become a real person and actually accept myself.

I'm also profoundly thankful for knowing my beautiful families with all their (and my own) quirks, pain, humanity, and joy. Twenty years of slowly soaking it in has done wonders for me, even through the tears. I know who I am and where I came from.

I think my little brother needed someone to reach out to him and if I could have done that in younger years (instead I was so fearful of rejection that I was a people-pleaser and didn't really let anybody get to know me - probably because I didn't even know myself), my brothers and I could possibly be closer now.

I'm so thankful that adoption and reunion is being explored more and talked about. It will help so many as we navigate these unchartered waters, these overwhelming feelings, and these beautiful opportunities.

"The Primal Wound" Book Tour

                                    © Photographer: De-kay | Agency: Dreamstime.com

The Open Adoption Examiner is hosting an online "book tour" of "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Newton Verrier, a forerunner adoptive parent and psychologist. I've really enjoyed reading the questions/responses submitted by other bloggers and learn so much from them. Thank you for the opportunity to participate and learn! Here are some thoughts about the questions below:

There are a great deal of behavioral issues that Verrier attributes to the Primal Wound of being separated from ones birthmother and subsequently adopted. These range from acting out and testing the adoptive parents, to becoming detached, to future inabilities to maintain healthy relationships as an adult. To the adoptees, I'm curious if you identified with any of these traits. Further, if you answered "yes", do you think your adoptive parents would agree that you have these traits as well?

Let's see...ummm...yes, yes, and yes. As a child I hid feelings of differentness and insecurity, all the while putting on a smiling face to convince others and myself that I was "special" and "chosen" and therefore, almost superior to other kids. I HAD to make straight A's, be the teacher's pet, and make everybody like me, because inside, I didn't feel likeable. So I tried really hard. I said, "I love you" ALOT and made my Mom home-made cards for every conceivable holiday, always portraying the same message ~ "I'm so glad I have the BEST Mom in the whole wide world." Looking back I realize it was my way of not only trying to convince myself that I was perfectly happy being adopted, but also defending against my Mom's insecurities being my "Mother", loyally protecting her & myself.

I was the compliant adoptee for sure! The last thing I wanted was to "stick out" or be noticed in a crowd, because I didn't feel worthy of it. Yet, my Mom was SO proud of me, that she would make sure we were noticed. It truly humiliated me and caused me to go deeper into my shell. A shell which confounded my adoptive family. They couldn't understand the painful shyness (and did I mention, control) either. Yes, they would completely agree and I'm sure have much more to say than I. I just wish they had been given this book years ago, as I think it would have helped them understand my behavior a little better.

Becoming aware of these issues within myself is helping me become a better person, friend, daughter, spouse, and mother. Because my son deals with attachment issues of his own, my healing journey has provided the gift of "insight" into him, and will hopefully help him on his. I can allow him the freedom to rage and question and control, without the fear of being unaccepted, because I have walked through my own "ugliness" and learned to (a little better) accept myself.

It's hard to "admit" unsavory personality traits and relationship struggles because that brings up even more shame. The last thing I ever want is to "unknowingly" hurt those I love, or even knowingly do so through behavior that feels beyond my control. That's why I am so thankful for books that truly validate and educate, because they are a key that has the potential to unlock healing.

I still "numb out" and feel detached during times of stress. As a child I'd have reoccuring dreams where I'd be flying, feeling like my body and spirit was not grounded ~ searching for what? I did not know. But searching all the time. Restless.

Oh, and relationships. The same "detachment" can describe my relationships. Even my marriage of 19 years, as well as with long-time friends. I am the queen of "push/pull", always longing to feel close, but getting flighty and distracted when things get too close emotionally. Feeling alone alot, but it is getting better.

Even as an adult, before I read books like "The Primal Wound", I couldn't figure out WHY I was "the way I was". I remember going to a class at my church entitled "Boundaries" (great book by Cloud & Townsend) and discussing in the group how I "felt like a fake" but didn't know why. I didn't understand myself at all. All I got from the others, including the facilitator (interestingly enough, she was a social worker who worked for an adoption agency) was "your not fake, why would you feel that way?" I couldn't answer that. And felt even more isolated.

It wasn't until years after my "reunion" that I finally found some answers as to why I exhibited such contradictory emotions and perplexing behavior. On the outside, I seemed to have everything. An adoptive family who loved me immensely AND a first family who embraced me immediately. I remember telling others that I was "doubly blessed" because I had gained so much and lost nothing. Yet inside I fought feelings of extreme sadness that I couldn't explain. Why couldn't I just be happy, like my demeanor implied?

Then I happened across an "adoptee support group" on the web. I had NEVER known another adoptee, nor ever thought of myself as one, really. I had certainly NEVER thought of myself as an "orphan". It was like a slap in the face. I HAD a family. Yet I found myself weeping for days, literally. For the first time, I found books like "The Primal Wound" and felt validated, normal ~ what a huge relief. (Even through the intense crying and pain that made me feel like I was going to die.) It was like I "woke up" and became REAL. Thank God for books like "The Primal Wound", which finally put words to feelings that couldn't be explained. Truly pre-verbal. And so misunderstood.

I SO identify with the "false self" that Verrier describes. I mean, why wouldn't I feel "false" when my very birth certificate is false. We reap what we sow, even in adoption law. Which is sad. The only way my existence was validated or worthy was through a new identity, family, and "self" created to fill that role. My new "self" couldn't grieve the loss of my own mother or the "self" I was as connected to her. Because my adoption was a win-win situation that was joyously celebrated. What else was I to do? But create a "false self" that personified this new life, and deny that part within me that felt confused, undone, and unworthy. Or at least try.

"...the human child requires a period of a year after birth..to attain the degree of maturity that characterizes the young of most other mammals at birth...an uninterrupted continuum of being within the matrix of the mother is necessary in order for the infant to experience a rightness or wholeness of self from which to begin his separation or individuation process. The continuity and quality of this primal relationship is crucial, because it may set the tone for all subsequent relationships....the loss of the mother disallows the achievement of basic trust, the first milestone in the healthy development of a human being."

It is so hard to read or write about the question posed above. Not only do I identity with what is written, but I can see this so clearly in my own son. He was born three months premature, weighed 1.4 pounds, and was separated from me, alone, in a NICU incubator for four months. Emotions well up in me every time I take myself back to those days. The pain of leaving him there was almost too hard to bear. I could not only relate to his sense of complete and utter aloneness, nothingness, longing, but I could also relate to what my first mother must have felt with empty arms, and such strong hormones crying out to embrace and protect the one whom she carried and bonded with as her own flesh.

When I finally got to bring him home, I would hold and rock him close for hours on end, crying through whispered prayers for God to somehow heal his pain and help him feel secure in my love and His. As a toddler, he would anxiously resist touch and hugs; everything had to be on his terms. He is still very controlling and "jumpy", but is finally exhibiting improved affect and sensory regulation and even spontaneous joy.

My son will be five years old in just a few weeks and his latest milestone brings complete joy to my heart, just like every milestone has up till now. His new favorite word is "Why?" and it is like music to my ears. Interestingly, as his language has increased, his anxieties have become more clear. Not only did he endure early separation from his Mother, along with a premature nervous system, but he has also had four surgeries in his four years of life. This year is our first with no surgeries. Thank you, Jesus!

"Are the nurses coming today, Momma?" "Why did the nurses 'poke' me, Momma?"

No matter how much explaining I do, he seems to always come back with this:

"But Why?"

Me: "You had to come out of Mommy's tummy early and I'm so sorry, Honey. I wish you could have lived in Mommy's tummy longer. The doctors had to give you medicine to make you feel better. I'm so sorry they had to 'poke' you. Were you scared?" Yes, he was scared.

"But Jesus healed us and we got to be together again. I'm so glad we are together now..." This conversation has been repeated numerous times, because Andrew asks to hear it over and over. I think it is his way of trying to process his early experiences. And maybe his way of reaching out in trust, the trust he has had to work so hard to build, even with me, his own Mother. Tears.

He's learning about birthdays and "celebration", and loves his favorite video of the baby dinosaur being "born" out of the egg. So he comes over to me and says, "I want to be born, Mommy." We'll "act out" his birth over & over again. He'll hide his little head under my shirt on my stomach while I gush over how very much I love him. Then he POPS out and says "I'm born!" ~ we clap and cheer and sing "Happy Birthday". He loves it. Again, and again.

"Mommy, will you always take care of me?" is another sentence I hear a lot. "Yes, Honey, I love you and will always take care of you." All this is so good to hear, because I know he is building trust and feeling more secure. The insecure attachment is lessening, and he isn't quite as anxious when we go new places. The frustration and anger towards himself is lessening too. He still sometimes prefers my husband over me, though, which is a heartbreaking confession. It is usually when I have been away for awhile. When I come back, he still sometimes screams for me to "go away, Mommy" and our reunions (even after short separations) are very distraught with negativity. But even those are getting better. He's becoming a "Mommy's boy", and I'm so happy, not only for myself, but more for him. It means he is learning to trust!

Another interesting behavior I see in my son, which makes me completely identify with "The Primal Wound" is his misuse of pronouns. He gets them all mixed up, especially when talking to me. He will call me "I" and himself "you". And alot of the time it is simply "we". Like his little mind and spirit can't distinguish between himself and me, his Mother. When he was younger, if I got upset or cried or even shed one tear, he would literally come undone. He looked to me for his "ok-ness" and if I wasn't "ok" he was at a complete loss in total panic. I could see it all over his face, as he frantically wiped my tears away while holding in his own. He still won't hardly cry. Ever. He's the "bravest" child I've ever seen, but I so wish he didn't have to be. My Mom says "he's independent, just like you used to be."

It reminds me of my "pre-awakening" days versus "post-awakening" regarding my true "self". Before, I tried to "appear" confident, overly "useful", and "strong". It was easier to focus on helping others (all the while hiding behind a little bit of hidden judgement) than to look within (too painful) and work on myself. It wasn't until I allowed the fearful, abandoned child in me to "wake up" and feel, that I became extremely vulnerable. But, not only did I finally acknowledge overwhelming grief; walking through it also enabled me to truly feel and embrace the joy and the love in my life. With both my families. Another benefit has been the ability to feel deeper compassion for myself and others.

Almost nothing, however, has been more healing for me than having my own child. He is my only "flesh & blood" relative I have the privilege of living life with in a natural family relationship. I find that he is the only person I can totally "let go" emotionally with and embrace with abandon. I don't find myself "pulling back" like I do with other people, even those who I am close to. I think we are both helping each other, actually, learn to trust nature and fold ourselves into each other, the way a mother/child relationship is intended at birth. That may sound strange, but I am learning that which I lost and never experienced, and I'm so thankful. Not that I don't still battle fear of loss. It overshadows everything. But I'll never give up contending for wholeness, for healing.

My son just woke up from a four hour nap. He is very active, more so than most kids. But he also needs alot of sleep, which he sometimes fights. He seems always on alert, needing extra reassurances and expending a lot of energy dealing with these anxieties. As an adoptee, I'm completely exhausted just writing this post. So I know a touch of how he feels.

"A recurring message throughout the book is that adoption should be in the best interest of the child and not the adults, something that I think very few people would argue against. But should the adoptees feelings always trump everyone else's in the triad, even when that adoptee is a grown up?"

If the above question was hard to address, this one is even harder, especially just coming down from watching 48 Hours last night, "The Lost Children." Until adoption becomes what it is intended to be, adoptee's feelings are not only disrespected, but their rights are too. Completely.

The very reason we even need books like "The Primal Wound" is because of the unethical and abusive practices against humans we call "adoption" in America. If even the medical field of neonatology recognizes and changes their practices based on knowledge now readily available and accepted regarding the "primal" damage done to humans infants by early separation from their mothers, then adoptees should not have to spend one more minute having to defend themselves or their right to own their history, feelings, or experience.

We should not have to wince every time we see mind-boggling "advertisements" recruiting pregnant mothers. Friends, adoption is a business, with HUMAN-BEINGS being bought and sold as products. "Owned". It's run by the principles of "supply & demand" and rakes in billions of dollars every year. All the while, adoption agencies and attorneys ("professionals") FAIL their "clients" by dismissing "The Primal Wound" as being unfounded and extreme. Something is wrong with this picture. Why is there so much "controversy" about this theory? Because it threatens the business, the abuse, the laws. As it should.

Until adoption does not involve ONE PENNY exchanged for the transfer of a human-being; until "Dear Burfmother (incubator), give ME "the" baby (no worries, I promise you can still see it) Letters" are deemed illegal (marketing for infants); until adoption is considered a last resort and not touted as "just another way to build a family", and mothers and children are encouraged and supported to remain together, instead of recruited for "options counseling" by agencies whose "business" it is to procure "available" children for their clients (PAP's) ~ adoption is unethical.

Individual states deem it "financially unfeasible" to even keep an accurate count of adoptions, making adoption the largest "unregulated" business in America. DA's hands are tied when attempting to fully investigate complaints, because attorneys and agencies are legally permitted to hide misdeeds and coercion through handy "sealed records" statutes.

Until there are no longer "amended" (falsified) Certificates of Live Birth or "sealed records" and EVERY adult adoptee is guaranteed the same right as all American citizens to their original (and accurate) birth certificate ~ "adoption" is just another word for child-trafficking.

I so hope for change, and am thankful for people like Nancy Verrier who had the courage to not only acknowledge the issue, but also to write a classic. A book which finally validates millions of "adaptees". It has helped us find our voices and has brought some much needed healing. We deserve better. We deserve our truth, our history, our records, as well as our feelings, without being dictated "how to" process or explain our adoptions through politically-correct "positive" adoption language. More questions we need to be asking are "Who does adoption truly serve?" and "Exactly whose records are they?"

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.
http://www.examiner.com/x-13701-open-adoption-examiner%7etopic444333-book-tour?selstate=topcat#breadcrumb