August 10, 2008

The Dream

Dream house
© Photographer: Rcmathiraj | Agency:

I didn't dream about my natural Mother for many years after finding out that she had passed away while searching for me. I pretty much just became an emotional rolly-polly and curled up in a fetal position inside, actually. Especially after (just a few years later) my a-Mom ended up coming down with the same type of cancer my nMother passed away from. It was very hard for me, because I so didn't want to lose both Mothers to this horrid disease. I dealt with a lot of guilt and loyalty issues, hoping that the stress of my reunion (which my AMom knew about and was part of) didn't "bring on" this struggle for her. Part of me even went through feelings of anger ~ at everything and everyone. How dare my aMom get cancer ~ was she trying to "out do" my nMother's tragedy somehow, to make me feel guilty for even searching? Crazy thoughts in this wonderful world of search/reunion...

Finally getting through several years (in my 20's) of helping my aMom recover through the surgeries, bone-marrow transplant, chemo/radiation, etc. ~ I was able to BEGIN the journey of emotionally dealing with the death of my nMother. My 20's were a heartbreaking time for me, actually, because of FEAR and unacknowledged grief I was trying to ward off in order to help my Mom & survive. I also ended up having to admit my a-grandmother into a nursing home during this time, because I was physically unable to take care of both of them at the same time. I lived with a lot of guilt...really sad to even think back on those years.

I'm so thankful for finally finding other adoptees & first Moms who helped me "wake up" to that part of me that so desperately needed attention. It was after I tearfully (feeling like the emotions coming out of me might actually kill me) made it through several great adoption books, that I started DREAMING about my nMother. One of these dreams was so PRECIOUS to me...the only one where I could actually see her face.

I found myself in my old neighborhood, where I lived growing up as a child. Yet I was now an adult. I was standing in a house that belonged to my nMother ~ and I suddenly felt a sense of security and protection, like she had been there all along, in my very neighborhood. We hugged and embraced ~ I felt like that hug was filled with an unseen energy of warmth and nurturing like I had never felt. I never wanted to let go...she whispered words in my ears, but I can't remember, really, what she said. Things that empowered me somehow, like she was preparing me for life without her. She whispered love into my ears, but ended with something like, "I can't complete you, you will have to..." her voice trailing off.

Key to my heart
© Photographer: Gvictoria | Agency:

Then, she pulled back, picked up her things and walked out the door ~ I ran to the window and watched intently as she slowly walked down the street, and finally out of sight ~ trying so hard to somehow "will" her back. Yet her embrace remained a part of me, and I somehow felt stronger, bigger, even through the unbearable sadness at watching her go. It was then that I looked down on the table in front of the window and found that she had left her keys. For me. Seeing them immediately brought comfort & hope to my heart.

She would someday come back, or I would find her again ~ even if in eternity. Her keys and personal belongings were there for me always, sitting on that table ~ to pick up and hold and use for my future. Until we were together again. I'm writing this through tears & sobs, but am so thankful for the dream ~ it felt so real, like we were truly living this.

I looked over and saw a man (don't know who this was, am still trying to remember the entire dream, actually). We began to talk, and immediately I noticed a significant difference in myself. I was taller and as I spoke to the man, I was able, for the first time in my life, to look directly in his eyes. I felt like I was on his level and it was an extremely nice feeling. I wish I could remember more of what we talked about, but all I can really remember is the wonderful feeling of being able to relate to him as an equal.

It is interesting that before my nMother died, she made sure that her brother and mother had written down the name of my natural father, and told them to never forget that I would someday come looking. I am barely 5 feet tall, so I am used to looking up at most people in my daily life. My natural Father, who I am now reunited with, is probably only 5'5, somewhat short for a man. I definitely know, now, where I got my short-stature. But this dream meant so much more than that. It felt like a divine infusion of love & healing from Heaven. My heart's desire to SEE my Mother, and feel her hold me, if even for a moment. It somehow gave me the ability to see myself differently afterwards.

I'm not sure what everything meant in this dream, to this day. But it was something I will always hold on to ~ that feeling of coming home.

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