Opening the Wells

                                     © Photographer: Ansebach | Agency: Dreamstime.com

                                                      (Post originally published in 2010)

It was a true privilege to attend a recent OK Legislative Interim study on adoptee access to original birth certificates.

Hearing the hearts of the amazing people who spoke on the importance of restoring the human right of all adoptees to know their identity and histories was an inspiration and joy.

Thank God for the opportunity to be there, know them, and work beside them. Even though it wasn't heavily attended, it felt right.

We were able to dispel some common myths surrounding adoptee access, sharing the good news that in the states which have implemented this law, abortion rates have actually declined more than the national average, and that birth mother "confidentiality" was also a myth perpetuated by the adoption industry.

Birth mothers were never promised (nor asked for) confidentiality by law.   

The TN and OR Supreme Courts have both ruled on this issue.
"Sealed records" were not implemented until 1939 in OK ~ to protect the newly formed adoptive family, not birthmothers.

In fact, even today, if a birthmother relinquishes her child for adoption, but for some reason the child is never adopted and remains in foster care, his/her original birth certificate is never sealed or amended.

I returned home so thankful to be able to spend time with my son and husband for a few hours that evening before bedtime. It was one of those nights of light sleep with many dreams, but not really remembering any of them.

When I woke up the next morning, "Genesis 26:18" was impressed on my heart and mind. Having to get up quickly and prepare my son for school, I didn't give it much thought, but briefly wondered what it meant.

Later that morning, as I sat in a Women's Bible Study I have attended for several years, I remembered the scripture reference, and quickly looked it up, curious as to what it said. I froze in disbelief when I read it, almost too shocked to believe what I was reading, but so encouraged.

"He reopened the wells his father had dug and restored the names his father had given them."

This scripture hit me so strongly, after just attending the interim study the day before, and waking up with this reference (which I've never read before) in my mind and before my eyes. Could it be that God is encouraging us? That He is the One who stands with us on this issue?

After all, names and genealogy are extremely important in Biblical text, and God is renown for restoring and redeeming (buying back) the lives of those separated from their God-given identities and people ~ Moses, Joseph, and a host of others.

Proverbs 23:10-11 says,

"Don't stealthily move the boundary lines
or cheat orphans out of their property (identity),
For they have a powerful Advocate
who will go to bat for them." (Message Bible)

As I read on in Genesis 26, I noticed that the entire rest of that chapter was concerning "rights":

"Isaac’s servants also dug in the Gerar Valley and discovered a well of fresh water. 20 But then the shepherds from Gerar came and claimed the spring. “This is our water,” they said, and they argued over it with Isaac’s herdsmen. So Isaac named the well Esek (which means “argument”). 21 Isaac’s men then dug another well, but again there was a dispute over it. So Isaac named it Sitnah (which means “hostility”). 22 Abandoning that one, Isaac moved on and dug another well. This time there was no dispute over it, so Isaac named the place Rehoboth (which means “open space”), for he said, “At last the Lord has created enough space for us to prosper in this land.”

Several U.S. states have passed Adoptee Access Legislation (supported by The Child Welfare League of America) restoring the unconditional right of adult adoptees to access their original birth certificate, just like every other American citizen.

Wouldn't it be a miraculous wonder if Oklahoma became the next state to restore the identity rights of it's adopted citizens ~ a new beginning, setting a national example for restoring the dignity of over six million adoptees and their families. After all, Kansas, our neighbor to the north, has NEVER sealed obc's to adult adoptees.

It was really interesting to me the way the chairman of this committee ended the interim study. Even after listening to middle-aged (or older) adults speak for over an hour about the human right of identity, and how "sealed records" in adoption made adopted people "perpetual children" in the eyes of the law, she sincerely thanked us for coming and then went on to share how "special" adopted "children" are, being "chosen" in our families. (In reference to the term adoptees hear often, "chosen child".)

As I sat in Bible Study that morning, I thanked God for giving me this dream. It was such an encouragement in the midst of the journey. We left Bible Study that morning with these words and a prayer.

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him through all generations forever and ever! Amen."

Adoption: The Solution to "Orphan" Care?

                                       © Photographer: Icefields | Agency: Dreamstime.com

There is a growing trend towards "Orphan Care" in the Church in America.

In fact, I've seen posters all over town this week advertising "Orphan For A Night," a fundraiser to raise money for the adoption of "orphans".

 There's even an upcoming conference in Austin entitled "Together for Adoption".

I am so saddened by the popular teaching in today's Church inaccurately equating God's "adoption" of His children to the same "adoption" we know of in our society.

The original Greek language (in Scripture) translated "adopted" (as God's children) could have been more accurately translated as "reunited" as God's children.

As an adoptee (and Christian) I am thankful that God is my loving Father & Creator, not just an "adoptive" Father. When adoptees are expected to believe it was God's perfect will for us to be "chosen" to fulfill a new identity & role in our adoptive families (hence, lose our original family & identity) it plants confusion & distrust into our very souls.

I am comforted by the words of a famous Bible hero, Joseph, who was separated and later reunited with the family of his birth. He profoundly concluded, "What the enemy meant for evil, God turned for good."

God is not the author of tragedy. Adoptees were not necessarily "meant to be" members of their new adoptive families. They landed there through profound loss, and should not be expected to celebrate with "Gotcha" parties and hurtful theological statements on how "lucky" they are to be "adopted". This just adds yet another layer of disenfranchised grief they must work through utterly alone, if ever, to become whole adults.

We also need to be very wary of the mentality in "saving orphans" by adoption (erasing & sealing their original identity) when the supply/demand princples in the business of adoption create an environment for gross conflict of interest and clouded ethics.

Adoptees are the only citizens whose identities are "amended" on their very birth certificates.  Archaic "sealed records" laws in adoption strips their God-given right to obtain their original identities indefinately.  Six US states have passed legislation restoring the unconditional right of adult adoptees to their original birth certificates, restoring their dignity and identities for not only themselves, but also their children and grandchildren. 

Are the "orphans" we are "saving" true orphans? 

UNICEF reports that the number of true orphans (the loss of both parents) may be lower than originally thought.

Are some children made "legal" orphans (on paper) for the purpose of making them "available" for adoption, when they have living relatives who could raise them?

Why is adoption so expensive? Could that same money and energy be used to help families of origin remain together?

Are children served best by being stripped of their original identity & culture or would it be more Christ-like to develop ways in which to care for orphans within their own homeland?

 These are just a few of the questions we need to be asking before the Church blindly accepts an over-simplified philosophy of "saving" orphans through "adoption".

Deal?

“What is the price of five sparrows...
two copper coins?

Yet God does not forget a single one. 
 So don’t be afraid...the very hairs on your head are all numbered.
 
You are more valuable to God
than a whole flock of sparrows."
Luke 12:6-7

(originally written in '09) 

Rushing out the door this morning to get my son to school, my hands were full.
It's been a rough few weeks and his separation anxiety looms.

Just like every other morning, I tucked my son into his car seat,
 and turned to lock the front door
(our driveway goes right up to the door,
where he never loses sight of me)...

when panic set in 

Terrified that he would be left alone,
my son grabbed on to me for dear life; 
 completely overcome by fear. 

 

Realizing he couldn't hear a word I was saying,
I finally just settled into his grasp, 
letting him know I wasn't going anywhere.
He calmed down enough to finally get his words out,
and this is what he screamed...

 

"Don't go...DEAL?"

 

"Deal!", I passionately reassured him.
With this, his little body finally relaxed.

 

Falling into the front seat of the car completely exhausted and in tears
...it hit me.

What a beautiful gift.

My precious son is teaching me...
to take the time
even when I feel rushed,
to really listen 
to my own needs and those I love...
no matter how long it takes.
 

Suddenly I felt a wave of comfort...
a flood of peace which had eluded me for weeks.

God's compassion towards us is even greater
than the overwhelming love we feel for our own children.   

When my son struggles, the last thing I feel is anger;
knowing he needs most my gentleness, closeness and mercy.
But how often I'm afraid that God is mad at me
for not being able to fully trust or surrender...
even when I truly want to. 

It breaks our hearts when we see our children suffer...
How much more must our Creator desire to deliver us.  

My Father gently reassures that even when I'm panicked
and not functioning at the level I wish I could...

when I'm fearful or living in numbness,
that He loves me and understands my needs.     

 

Lord, thank you for your mercy and love.
For teaching me so gently.
 

Thank you for holding me
 when I need your calming reassurance..."Deal?"

The Shadow Self

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

Originally posted on October 22, 2007

I went to church yesterday and came home with 3 different "revelations" of God's love.  

They all pertain to adoption issues, because my entire life is affected by them.
I even danced with my own shadow.

The first happened during praise/worship ~ the regular worship leader was not there because her Mother had just passed away this week after a long battle with leukemia. She had lived for many, many years longer than the doctors predicted and she had a wonderful quality of life with her children/grandchildren for years through God's sustaining power.

Half-way through praise & worship I saw Aimee come in and immediately she walked up to the front row (it was dark in our church during song time) and approached the senior pastors. They saw her coming and put their arms out in big all-consuming hugs and kisses over her, just holding her and letting her cry. It was very touching, as I saw the love of this couple envelope this young praise leader and bring comfort and unconditional love over her while she was grieving. I began to cry....and then it hit me.

Adoptees lose their mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles and cousins (their very identity and place in their God-given family). 
They lose everything their lives revolved around and identified with ~ the only place, the only love they ever knew, felt, smelled, and was enveloped by, in complete warmth. 

But adoptees are probably NEVER, NOT ONCE, given a hug of comfort for this devastating loss we all carry inside our entire lives. We are not validated or accepted for who we truly are ~ we are only given acceptance as the ones we are engineered by adoption to be ~ our adopted selves. 
Our adoptive identities, lives, families. 

We go through life completely numb/shut-off to the PAIN of losing our very selves as connected to our mothers and family line, our first and most significant love, truth and self.

I so yearned to be able to run into the arms of real people as I stood there in church crying over the loss of my own Mother and all she represents. 
To receive the same immediate acknowledgement of my pain, validation, and comfort. 

Aimee wasn't afraid to run to the front of the church, the light, and receive unconditional love ~ she knew grieving was necessary and accepted because of losing her beloved Mother. It was expected and completely understood.

Adoptees emotionally sit at the back, in the dark, scared to feel, because they receive a sentence of life-long shame and unacknowledgement ~ if they DARE look deeper into their own feelings and tap, even lightly, into the pain.

  No one in society is comfortable with this pain ~ because ADOPTION is the big cure-all, the blessing, the win-win, the building of a family
~ FROM THE DESTRUCTION OF ANOTHER ~ THE DESTRUCTION OF IDENTITY ~ an amended birth certificate, parents who did not birth, names erased and re-invented ~ and pasts erased ~ at least legally. 
All at a huge price.

NOTHING can erase the spiritual reality, the emotional reality and connections within a human being to their lineage, their core, their pain.

Aimee, I cried for your loss today. And on the backrow, I cried for mine as well. I lost my Mother, too ~ twice ~ and I know how it feels. 
Bless you, my friend.

Is God My Adoptive Father?

© Photographer: Billysiew | Agency: Dreamstime.com

Many Christians assert that we are "adopted" by God as His children.
 

They don't realize that comparing the original language and translation of the scriptures to our westernized concept of "adoption" can actually alienate an adoptee's heart from fully trusting in their Creator God. 

"For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. For you have not received the spirit of slavery again to fear; but you have received the Spirit of "sonship" (some translations say "adoption") , whereby we cry, Abba (Daddy), Father. The Spirit of God Himself bears witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God."

Romans 8:14-16

 

Let us take the Greek word sometimes translated "adoption" apart.
It is huiothesia.

 

The first half is huios, the common noun for an adult son.

The latter half is thesia, a setting of a person or a thing in its place. 

(John 1:12; John 1:13;  Gal 4:1-5;  Romans 8:1-39)   

 

 This speaks of our inheritance as son's and daughter's of God's grace and mercy through salvation.

 

Titus 3:7

...so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

I once heard a Pastor by the name of Dick Bernal (from San Francisco) preach a sermon about this very subject. He wisely pointed out that the original Greek language that was translated "adopted" in these scriptures could more accurately be translated as "reunited". It describes the beautiful picture of a "reunion" between God and His Creation ("sperma", "offspring"), or children.

I John says that we are BORN of God ('sperma').
If we are BORN of God, we do not NEED to be adopted by Him ~ we are "reunited" with Him in salvation, our Creator, Our Savior, Our Perfect Father.

 

As an adult adoptee, I take GREAT comfort in the fact that I don't need to be adopted by God in the same sense I was "adopted" in the natural. 

 In biblical culture, mainly adults were "adopted", but names were not changed.  Lineages remained intact.

God is not my adoptive Father.  He is simply my Father.    

 

He cries with me in my grief of losing my first family.  He understands my pain. 

 It certainly wasn't His perfect plan. 

Joseph (who was sold), when reunited with his family, allowed God to heal him, and "what the enemy meant for evil, God turned for good."

In fact, the Bible says that our Savior came to "ransom" or "redeem" us, which means He "bought us back" from the enemy. Ransom is only necessary when a person has been kidnapped. To be "bought back" implies that we were originally God's creation, His offspring, and He paid a dear price (His own life), a "ransom" to get us back to Him, our Home, our identity, our intended place.

He bore the pain of my broken heart.

  Out of emptiness he came, like a tender shoot from rock-hard ground.
He was despised and forsaken,
    a man of suffering and grief.
    He was despised, forsaken, and we took no notice of him.
 Yet it was our suffering he carried,
    our pain and distress.
He endured the breaking that made us whole.
    The injuries he suffered became our healing.
We all have wandered off, like sheep without a Shepard,
    scattered by our aimless striving and endless pursuits; He took upon Himself the sins of us all.   

Isaiah 53:1-12
 

 He even offers me another "birth" experience.

 

“Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again. 

 “How can someone be born when they are old?” Nicodemus asked.

 “Surely they cannot enter a second time into their mother’s womb to be born!”

Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit.  Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the

Spirit gives birth to spirit.  

When I believed on Him as my Savior, I was in a very real sense, born again.  This time, born of perfect Love.  In perfect truth. 

Even when I struggle with trust issues or fall out of fellowship with Him, I am His child.  His heart wants to be near mine. 

 The Prodigal Son in scripture was not the 'adopted' son of his father, he was the ("sperma"), full-blooded son of his Father, who waited with open arms for him to find his way back home.

 

I resonate with this beautiful analogy so much, because I can
 "BE" who I was created to be. 

I am fully born, loved, and reunited with Him, who I originated from.
 

No "amending" of my personhood is necessary. 
I don't have to hide.  No secrets.    

 

That is Heaven to this adoptee.

The first time I heard the song, "Born Again" by Third Day, I cried. 
It felt like the song of this adoptee.  An adoptee who had hidden my entire life, because I felt I had to deny my true identity and feelings. 
God knew my name all along.  Even before I did. 

He wasn't the author of my relinquishment or amended birth certificate. 
He was my Shepard.  My healer.  My Savior.  My Father. 
I didn't need to hide from Him or distrust Him any longer.

See this post I wrote about how God helped me open my heart to the tremendous grief I had buried, so He could begin healing me ~

"Losing Mother".   

I also wanted to share an amazing new blog written by a Pastor/Adoptee friend, Deanna Shrodes ~ Adoptee Restoration.

The Prince Of Egypt: "When You Believe"

I've been hesitant to write this entry, simply because there is much I would like to express ~ so many layers. I truly don't know where to start, or end.

To begin with, I PRAISE God for TEACHING me that He is trustworthy. Yes, even this adoptee with major trust issues. I cried out and He answered me, in so many ways. One way He has proven His love to me is through the miraculous birth of my son, six years ago. He was born on January 14th weighing only a pound, but was not due until April 8th.

A year after his birth, I was reading the Bible and happened to come across the story of the Passover in Exodus. It said that Passover was celebrated the "14th day of the first month" (my son's birthday!). It hit me like a hammer!

When my son was born we continually spoke God's Word over him, during the long hospital stay. We even put a tape in his incubator so healing scriptures would be playing for him 24/7. Although this adoptee was filled with fear, I asked God to please teach me to trust Him. We believed that the healing power of God's Word would infuse life in our son's frail body (Proverbs 4:20-23). Just like the Hebrew children in Exodus applied blood over their doorposts to be spared from destruction, (hence, evil "passed over" them ~ Passover) we put our faith in Jesus' blood to spare our son. 

It wasn't until a year later, and reading about this account in the book of Exodus did I noticed that my son's birthday was the "14th day of the 1st month" ~ the same day the Isrealites celebrated their deliverance from slavery and death.  I felt like God was telling me (yet again) that He knew when my son would be born, and had Life for him.

My son's due date would have been April 8th, and "WOW" is all I could say when I saw that in today's calender, Jew's celebrate Passover in April. Both dates were covered. God KNEW I would need double-confirmation that it was truly Him who planned my son's birth and deliverance. I write with overwhelming thankfulness and tears.

Adoptees, His banner over us is LOVE, and it covers us ~ from birth, through relinquishment, adoption, and search.

The day after my son's birth, I was sitting in my hospital bed with my Bible open, searching for comfort and strength. Amazingly I came across a scripture in Isaiah 66 which gave just that. It said "He will comfort you as a mother comforts her child". I was in despair, not being able to hold my son, feeling all those waves of relinquishment, loneliness, and abandonment wash over me in dread ~ so distraught that my son was alone, without his mother, feeling the same emptiness I had become accustomed to, as an adoptee. BUT GOD spoke to me through that scripture ~ He is able to comfort us just like our own mother would have, could have, should have. His comfort would fill that need for me, and for my son.

Moses was led by God to return to his family of birth (the Jews). He didn't cower from his "exodus", even though it would have been easier to. He couldn't deny his identity and his heritage. It was who he was. Adoptees can't deny who we are.

God will reveal the hidden things, and set our people free of sealed records, hidden identities, secrecy and shame.

I found my natural family years ago and was surprised to find out that I came from a huge Jewish clan. It has been amazing to find these roots and identify, finally, with my heritage. My son's heritage. God is truly about heritage and family. Even when families were separated (look at stories like Moses & Joseph) God brought reunion, reconciliation, truth, and miracles out of the pain people experienced. We just have to believe.

"The Prince of Egypt" is the story of Moses and the complexities of his adoption, search, reunion, and destiny. It is my son's favorite movie right now, so I've had the priviledge of watching it many times!

Here's just a few of the thoughts I could relate to in Moses' journey as an adoptee. One poignant quote from the movie was when Moses was confronted with his true identity and he fled in fear. He ran back to Pharoah's palace to surround himself with the only identity & familiarity he found comfort in. It took many days for him to slowly "wake up" to his true identity as an Isrealite and realize that the life he had lived was not his complete story.  He finally realized, "I did not see because I did not wish to see." How often adoptee's wander in a desert of isolation because fiercely engrained loyalty issues quench or skew our emotions, rather than being free to live in true authenticity?

In the midst of this emotional upheaval, Moses' burned with anger (a very real component of grief) and killed an Egyptian man (his adoptive heritage) who was attacking an Isrealite (his birth heritage). He couldn't forgive himself, and so he fled from it all into the desert. There, God sent refreshing waters to revive him, and he met and married Zipora, who helped restore his trust in "The Tapestry of Life" ~ in himself and his destiny.  THEN God gave him a burning bush experience and restored his lineage.  It was in both families that Moses' destiny was found, and only after going back to his land of birth was his calling fulfilled. 

The Price

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You have all been redeemed at infinite cost: do not become slaves to men.

I Corinthians 7:23

 

As I was cleaning out my Mom's home during her recent move to assisted living, I came across some paperwork that made me stop in my tracks. Included, was the actual check she and my adoptive Dad wrote for the "finalization" of my adoption in 1968.

It even bore the stamp "Paid" across it.

Growing up I remember being very proud of my status as a "Chosen Child".

Now I realize it was a way of compensating for the uncomfortable feelings of "differentness" and subsequent questions lurking in my adopted mind. 

Unacknowledged thoughts and feelings that compounds the trauma of disenfranchised grief from which adoptees must disassociate in a society which views adoption as all party and no pain.

Yet sadly, in adoption, when money is exchanged and records of the child's original identity are sealed, it sets the environment for conflict of interest, as well as unethical and coercive activities.  It fails to protect the best interests of children and natural families.   It is essentially the buying and selling of children.

Adoptees are "chosen" = "bought" to fill a role.

Societal views of adoption are influenced by "professionals" (ie. brokers) who make their living off the business.

 

Truths of adoption are hidden behind the almighty dollar and adoptees are silenced into a fog of "gratefulness".

Very few adoption agencies will even acknowledge valuable works such as "The Primal Wound" which could actually educate society about the needs of adoptees. Why won't they?  Because it might damage their business.  

The OK Supreme Court case, "In the Matter of the Adoption of Baby Boy A" points out the lengths people will go to broker & procure a baby, including the use of private investigators, and objecting to the non-consent of natural parents.

In this case alone, $147,289.42 was paid in attorney's "fees" and adoption "costs" to obtain this precious commodity.  Baby Veronica, Baby Desirai and others...bought.  They are paying an even higher price than what was paid for them.        

 

Every adoptee's identity is bought, FOR a price...  

Birth certificates are "amended" upon the finalization of adoption to (inaccurately) state that adopters gave birth.  Identities are wiped out and changed so that adoptees will be "as if" born to another.  But is that truthful? 

 

Whose interest does that serve? 

 

Adoption law does not serve those who need homes, but those who want a child...and the brokers who use whatever means necessary to obtain the product.  Documents are falsified and original birth certificates are forever sealed from the very party it pertains to. 

As an adult adoptee, and a Christian, this all makes the spiritual concept of "redemption" take on a whole new significance. 

I'm so thankful our Creator God & Father paid the ultimate price to "redeem" us (means "to buy back" or "pay a ransom").      

My Man, Moses!

I wrote the blog post below in 2008, but the awesome Deanna Shrodes over at Adoptee Restoration reminded me of it today. 

"The Prince of Egypt" movie truly hit home for me ~ Moses' search and freedom ~ both his and his people. 

I'm in an awesome Women's Bible Study at my church.  We're studying "A Woman's Heart" by Beth Moore. Yesterday we learned about Moses (his name means "drawn out") and how God protected and defended him throughout his life. The little basket that was used to save his life was a symbol of the "ark" of God's salvation (sozo ~ to save, deliver, protect, heal, and preserve). The Bible says it was "pitched, within and without". This was a black tarry substance used to make the basket waterproof against the torrents of the water during Moses' trip down the river. The word used for "pitch" (Kapher) actually translates "atonement" or "covering" 69 times in the O.T. On the outside, it looked like Moses was enveloped in a sticky, dark, smelly mess ~ but that "mess" became a symbol of God's love and protection, even from infancy, for a lifetime.

As we all know, Moses was separated from his natural family and raised by Pharoah's daughter. He grew up an Egyptian, yet the blood coursing through his veins was Jewish. What comforts me so much about reading about Moses' awesome life, is that God's restoration was so complete and intimate for Moses. He was the one God chose to lead the Isrealites out of slavehood bondage, and in that process, Moses found freedom himself. So much so, that he had to veil his face because it shined so brightly after spending time with God ~ He reflected God's GLORY and walked with God on an intimate basis! In fact, when Moses died, God HIMSELF buried him. God LOVED Moses that much.
That just totally blesses me! Why? Because Moses was NOT a GRATEFUL ADOPTEE!

Moses actually left his adoptive family, searched for & reunited with his natural family and people.  Yes, Moses was a rebel.  He's the one who went before Pharaoh saying "Let My People Go", not just once, but multiple times. He would have never won a popularity contest, within either family, actually. Yet, he was instrumental in the plan of history to bring freedom and deliverance to an entire populace. And even more precious than that, is the RELATIONSHIPS he was brave enough to embrace, and the INTIMACY that grew with his Creator.

Moses chose authenticity and relationship ~ through the "exodus", the wilderness, and the fierce waters of the Red Sea. Adoptees have the enormous developmental task of finding their identity ~ that COULD actually be compared to walking down the MIDDLE of a parting sea of emotions that easily feels like mammoth, impending killer waves. Moses needed support to hold his hands up during that journey. He couldn't go it alone, that's for sure. And that's how much faith it takes to walk the path of authenticity ~ so many choose never to go there. But Moses was a HEROIC example of an authentic adoptee.

At the end of his life, I bet he could have very well called himself "grateful" and "adoptee", but those words, by necessity of an authentic life, don't really fit together. Just like Joseph, who was another Biblical character separated from his natural family as a child, and later reunited. Moses would have probably quoted his fellow adoptee "brother" (Joseph) in saying "What the devil meant for evil, God has turned for good." 

God's perfect WILL isn't adoption ~ sorry. Adoption is born from LOSS first & foremost, and God isn't in the business of WILLING a child to lose it's mother, father, identity, and intended life. YET, God can and does TURN situations for good ~ and for THAT I'm grateful.

The Door

So last night was I was on my way to a Women's Conference at my church...I was running late, it was kind of rainy, and I kept wondering if I should keep driving or just turn around and go home to help get my son in bed.  You know those "not sure what I'm to do" feelings...

Anyway, I was driving by one of my best friend's neighborhood on the way and decided to go by and see if she was home and might want to go with me, or just hang out and talk, instead of go.  Turns out no one answered the door ~ she wasn't home...I thought, well, maybe I'm supposed to go after all....

The meeting was powerful and refreshing....exactly what I needed.  So.glad.I.went.  It was all about unloading our "baggage" and letting God heal us.  The key is to be real and vulnerable with God ~ even question Him.  But so many times our hearts are too numb, shamed,  and even traumatized by rejection ~ that we turn from Him, instead of run to Him.  We don't trust him anymore than those in our lives who have abandoned us ~ and we suffer alone. 

During prayer last night, we were asked to close our eyes and think about painful events in our lives ~ then to ask God where He was and what was He thinking during those moments.  My mind went back to the day I was to leave the hospital as a newborn.  All of a sudden I saw a picture in my mind of a Man (Jesus) walking through the door.   He picked me up in His arms ~ looking down with a face full of love & security.  He was doting over me, just like a proud Daddy.  Gentle and warm.  Complete. 

Then, I noticed he had another babe in the crook of his other arm ~ a much smaller baby.  It was my son.  My beautiful one-pound miracle who spent the first 98 days of his life in the NICU, away from me.  The two most painful times of my life were instantly transformed when Jesus walked in.  His love was so real.

As I was pondering all this, I thought how thankful I was that my friend wasn't home.  I know if she had answered the door, I would have skipped the meeting, and missed so much.  Through all the pain of relinquishment, adoption, prematurity and utter aloneness ~ He has been here.  His Word even says "If your mother and father forsake you, I will take you up."  Oh, how He has.  Oh, how I've failed to trust Him.  Oh, how He loves me despite all this.  Because of all this. 

I remember my 18th birthday ~ I was in a singing group my senior year of high school and our group loaded on a big yellow school bus and drove to a music studio to record an album.  We were all very excited to be involved with such an exciting project.  I wore a white dress that day.  No one knew it was my birthday.  No one acknowledged it.  And I was too shy and embarrassed to tell.  Why would I, an adoptee, who struggled with feeling like I didn't have a right to exist, brag about my birthday?  Yet, I was sad and felt forgotten. 

On the way home that evening, it was very stormy.  I remember looking out the window of the bus at the dark, fearsome clouds hanging so low they looked as if they would almost touch the ground.  I prayed for safety and feared tornadoes the entire way.  When I got home, my family wanted to take me out to eat for my birthday, but I felt so lonely and tired, I wouldn't go.  I just wanted to go to my room and be alone.  Maybe it was the realization that I was now an "adult".  Yet not ready.

I never let myself think about adoption in those days.  It was stuffed too far down.  Although my mind couldn't understand those confusing feelings, my heart knew.  All too well.  It wasn't until four years later, upon graduating from college, that I allowed myself to begin my search.  My healing.  

I asked God tonight where He was that day ~ my 18th birthday.  It felt as if my heart would break, as He reminded me of the clouds and the rain.  He was there all along, hovering in the clouds above ~ crying too.  My Daddy's heart was feeling my pain right along with me.  Loving His little girl all dressed in white. 

A few weeks ago, our Pastor came to each person standing for prayer, looked us personally in the eyes, and said, "God has not forgotten you."  I found it very hard to make myself keep looking in his eyes.  I wanted to look away.  It was too close.  And I felt ashamed.  Yet, he was standing in as our earthly father who may not have shown us God's love.  His eyes were real ~ like the eyes of a Savior who longs for connection and intimacy with each of us. 

Thank you, Lord, for doors that are not always answered.  And for breaking through doors of uncertainty and fear.  Please teach us to trust you.  To see ourselves reflected in Your eyes and embraced by your heart of extravagant Love.  Help us answer your knock on our door. 

Things I Wish I Had Known

                                       © Photographer: Arneke | Agency: Dreamstime.com

 

Things I wish I had known:

   I didn't need to feel rejected as a child and young adult wondering HOW a mother could give her child away (ie. "place for adoption") because of "Love". 

I wish I had learned much earlier about the societal history of shame

(see Ann Fessler's book, The Girls Who Went Away),
and a financially driven, supply & demand based industry that explains the reason most babies become "available" for adoption.

My mother didn't "place" me because she loved me.
She certainly didn't reject me.
She surrendered her own motherhood/child because of a society that rejected her, and

only accepted me if I was removed from her and my original, true identity.

 I didn't have to be confused by the myth that it must be God's will for me to lose my mother, family, identity, and original life so I could be "chosen".
To gain my new family, life, love, and blessings.

I grew up trying to force this idea into my head & heart, but it was completely incongruent with life, truth, and the adoptee's reality.

I lived with emotions of extreme guilt for feeling disloyal, wondering how I could really love my adoptive family if I had feelings of loss and longing.

I was relieved to "wake up" and realize that, like Joseph, when he was reunited with his original family, I also concluded,
"What the ENEMY meant for evil (separation, loss), God eventually turned for good."

I didn't have to be fearful and distrusting of God anymore because it was impossible to understand (what adults tell most adoptees for their own benefit) how God PLANNED and WILLED for me to be adopted.
He didn't orchestrate it.

I once heard an eye-opening sermon by Pastor Dick Bernal ("Jubilee Christian Center"). 
 He was talking about scriptures in the New Testament that spoke of us being "adopted" as God's own children. After doing an in-depth study on the word translated into "adopted", he found that the original meaning in the Greek language more closely resembled "reunited" or "reinstated."

First John even uses the Greek word "sperma" to describe us as God's beloved children. The Prodigal Son certainly wasn't his Father's "adopted" son, he was his biological offspring. 

 It was comfort to this adoptee's soul to hear this revelation. 
 That God didn't NEED to "adopt" me as His child in the same sense "adoption" is used today.

The scriptures also teach that anything hidden in darkness and secrecy cannot be truly made whole.

Yet adoptees' records and birth certificates are sealed by laws which perpetuate this shame and injustice.
Even "open adoption" is not legally enforceable by law, and certainly doesn't negate the profound loss every adoptee experiences.

I wish I had known that, just like Wilbur Wilberforce, Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Jean Patton,  
that it takes a lot of courage, fortitude, and perseverance to keep voicing an "unpopular" opinion, but a lived experience.

That I don't have to feel like the lone duck and the odd-one-out.
 I can stand up to criticism, with courage. That someday the cost will be worth it.

Until the monetary & marketing aspects in adoption are removed, and every adopted individual in America is restored their God-given right to own their original birth certificate and identity, adoption will continue to be simply an enterprise of human-selling.
Children who truly need loving homes will be overlooked and discarded.

Loving and capable Mothers will continue to be pressured to "do the right thing" and relinquish their precious offspring to those willing to pay.

And adopted individuals will continue to be seen as perpetual children in the eyes of the law and society, being treated with contempt and shame for wanting the same right as every other American citizen, for themselves and their children after them ~ simply to know their true genealogy, identity, medical history, and family line.

What Adoptees Wish Church Communities Knew by Sherrie Eldridge

What Adoptees Wish Church Communities Knew from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.

The Right of Identity

The Right of Identity

The one resolution originating from the Diocese of Albany to go before the 77th General Convention of The Episcopal Church will be the one titled "A Right to Human Identity" sponsored by the Rev. Mark Diebel.

As reported in this blog when it came before the 2009 diocesan convention in Albany, the resolution aims to address the loss of history for both adoptees and persons born through artificial reproductive technology, including surrogacy parenting. The proposal was passed in Albany and referred to the 76th General Convention. There it was taken up by the Commission on Social Justice and Public Policy. That commission referred it, without change, for consideration by General Convention in 2012. The 77th General Convention will meet in Indianapolis this June.

The author, Mark Diebel, sees room for expansion of the resolution. He would like to see GC “undertake a study of the implications of artificial reproductive technologies for human identity and report their findings”. In fact, an amendment to that effect was proposed at the 2009 Albany diocesan convention, but was defeated before the main resolution was passed. Now Diebel says that the resolution "needs exposure and discussion in order to get understanding of it." Here is the resolution that will be considered at 77th General Convention, and explanation:

RESOLVED, the House of ________ concurring, that the 77thGeneral Convention of the Episcopal Church urge all dioceses to adopt the following statement: Personal history is a fundamental human right and knowledge of one’s entire parentage should be assumed as part of a person’s natural property, and be it further;

RESOLVED, that the 77th General Convention urge all dioceses to adopt the following statement: That all state legislatures be urged to establish procedures that would enable adoptees (upon reaching legal age) to secure current information regarding their historical heritage, medical history, and genetic derivation without the necessity of court action.
EXPLANATION

The Episcopal Church has had little formal conversation on issues related to the advances in genetic engineering, and their impact upon our daily lives. At the 76th General Convention, such an opportunity was missed as a similar resolution to this one was submitted. Though the resolution passed for debate, it did not get out of legislative committee in time for consideration by General Convention. The Standing Commission on Social Justice and Public Policy believes that a general debate is timely and of increasing importance to the wider Church. It is of note that the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, in its 2011 Church Wide Assembly received a social statement paper on Genetics.

Adoptees in the United States are not necessarily granted knowledge of their parentage because state law in forty eight states seals their original birth certificate. There are no laws that protect the identity history of children born using artificial reproductive technology. Sperm, egg, and/or embryo donations may not be disclosed to the children so conceived. Similar concerns exist for children born of surrogacy parenting.

Theological grounds for knowledge of one’s origins maybe seen in scripture: a) Old Testament scriptural testimony is structured around genealogical narratives; b) the theological concept of adoption witnessed by Paul incorporates knowledge of one’s origins; c) Jesus’ birth narratives incorporate genealogies; d) the concept of fatherhood is retained in the New Testament. Furthermore, Church history has testified to the importance of blood line in canon law. The theological concept that a person may become a “child of God” by the “will of God” does not negate other origin narratives, but fulfills them. Narrative theology emphasizes the importance of the human narrative on personal and social levels.

The Episcopal Church has already declared in GC 1982-D082: “Resolved, the House of Bishops Concurring” that state legislatures be urged to establish procedures that would enable adoptees (upon reaching legal age) to secure current information regarding their historical heritage, medical history and genetic derivation without the necessity of court action..."

Royalty

© Photographer: Tyback | Agency: Dreamstime.com


Why is it so important to know where you come from and who you are?

For the same reason it was important for Moses to know...so he could embrace his dual identity and fulfill his destiny. You don't know where you are going, until you know where you've been. It is true.

Acts 7:23
“When Moses was forty years old, he decided to visit his own people."

Adoptees are arrested in emotional development because, not only is our true identity hidden from us, but we are also asked to fulfill an identity that is not truly ours. We shut down that part of ourselves that is disenfranchised by society to "become" who we are "adopted" to be ~ a false persona. What we really need is permission to be the person we are, but don't yet know. Even when we find our truth, it takes years to unthaw, grieve, and assimilate our origins and identity.

Then, and only then, can we begin to develop on an entirely new level towards wholeness ~ but it is a process.

I was embraced by my family of birth, but couldn't receive their love because I was still operating in a false persona, as a people-pleaser to gain approval, not able to receive or give (to others or myself) genuine acceptance or relationship. My relationship with God was also on this level. It wasn't until I opened my heart and allowed myself to grieve, that God has been able to break through this "heart of stone" and give me a real heart, a heart of flesh. And what a beautiful mess!

Isaiah 58:6-7
"Do not turn away from your own flesh and blood ~ THEN you will be healed."

What I'm learning now is that even after the intense journey of reunion, with family and with self, and feeling like Pinocchio ~ "Wow, I'm a real person" ~ I realize, even more, my deep need for a real Father who never leaves, and patiently teaches me His love and faithfulness (even in the midst of my unfaithfulness). No earthly relationship is enough. Humans are humans. They disappoint and leave us empty inside, a void that can only be filled by the Lover of our souls.

Jesus' own birth was shrouded in questions and controversy. He became flesh so he could identify with all humanity. John 7:5 says, "...for even his own brothers did not believe Him." Mark 3:21 ~ "His family said, 'he's out of his mind' and tried to take him away..." Jesus was rejected & abandoned. Even we rejected him, yet "while we were yet sinners, he died for us"...to give us life. Hope. Love.That.Never.Fails.

When Jesus rose from the dead, he made a special point to comfort those He loved who had hurt him the most, and needed His reassurance ~ Peter, who denied him three times, and many others. Mary Magdalene, whose life story was one of "manifested grief" and yet she was delivered. She appears in Jesus' very genealogical family line!

Then He went to James, his brother, who mocked him, yet later went on to write the book of James as a believer. As an adoptee, I resonate strongly with this statement in I Corinthians 15:8 ~ "Last of all, as if I had been born at the wrong time, I also saw Him."

During women's Bible study today, the leaders prayed over each of us, draping us in prayer shawls of different colors. As loving hands wrapped a beautiful silky red cloth firmly around my shoulders, a motherly voice whispered into my ear, "Beloved, you were born of royal blood...a daughter of God." Tears flowed yet again ~ another wave of healing.

All earthly blood lines fail us, whether we are brought up in them or not. They are only there to show us who we are, and who we are not. To point us to the only One who can fill the canyon in our soul. Perfect.Love. No matter how far we've been thrown, or run on our own ~ His Love pursues, awakens and heals. Our identity and worth is only secure in our Creator.

Ezekiel 16:6
"Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, “Live!”"