Attachment, Trauma, And Conflict Of Interest

 

 

 

 

 It seems like every day my sweet son decides he wants

to "be" something different when he grows up. 

The other day he came home from school
proclaiming he wants to ride bulls...
what every mother wants to hear! 

 

As I sat through an all-day seminar entitled,
"Trauma: How it Affects Growth and Development in Children,"
hosted by the OK Adoption Coalition,
I felt as if I was getting a taste of my son's desired profession.





Being adopted is quite a ride in itself. 
Then we hear "professional" commentators give the "play by play,"
with no riding experience of their own. 
Adoptees are left to dismount and clean up
after the animal ourselves.




Does adoption, the way it is viewed today,
truly serve the child, 
or those in the business of "building" families?

"Attachment Theory" labels a child 
if they fail to "attach" to their care-giver 
(who get's to define this concept?),
because, as the speaker stated...

 

"It's not in their DNA...
babies will 'indiscriminately' attach up to six months old. 
That is why it is SO important to terminate parental rights
as quickly as possible and provide 'permanence' for these "kiddos". 

 

We are not ducks who will "imprint"
on the first person we see after hatching from the egg. 

We are humans who experience profound life-long loss
when separated from our mothers and families.   

 

If DNA and genetic mirroring were not essential parts of our human experience in relational development...
why is the internet full of searching adoptees and first families?

 

And what of this:
 

 

 

This is a visual of a theory which the adoption industry
works hard to dismiss. 
Nancy Verrier, a psychologist and adoptive mother, says...

"There exists a great need for legislative action and concern for the rights of adoptees.
Few dare give voice to that which they know in their hearts: that the connection between biological family and child is primal, mystical, mysterious, and everlasting.
Far more than merely biological and historical, this primal connection is also cellular, psychological, emotional, and spiritual."

I can't tell you how difficult it is to live in a society
which dismisses the very humanity of adoptees.

If we want to be truly trauma-informed,
we must acknowledge the adoptee's reality.

 Changing a child's name,
sealing their genetic identity and history from them,
and then asking them, as well,
to fulfill a "role" in their "new" family...with which 
they share no genetic connection;
with caretakers who need to be 
legally and emotionally known
as "Mother and Father", 
only serves to disenfranchise an adoptee's
 trauma and loss, 
and piles on added layers of complex loyalty issues.

The only valid "connections"
according to some behavioral health "experts" 
are made in court-created "legal" families through adoption. 
Mentions of natural families are made in 
condescending tones,
referring to "the bios" which are, of course, 
the source, and only source, of the child's "trauma."

What about the trauma of changing a child's identity
and expecting them to play a role 
for which they were not created to fulfill? 

A defining moment during this seminar, 
occurred when the entire room erupted in applause 
after the speaker made the assertion...

"'culture" is only defined through 'relationship'".   

 

"Best interest" of a child cannot be undermined in the "name of culture".    

 

It was obvious, everyone was thinking of the Baby Veronica case and the role ICWA played in that long-drawn out tragic battle over a child's very identity, family and personhood.

Veronica Cappobianco is living her life separated
from the family and blood that created her,
the connections that could have, and did, nurture her very core. 
All because of this theory, unethical adoption practices, 
and the power it has garnered by an adoption community 
that still sees children as "blank slates" and, unfortunately, possessions.

When will America wake up and ensure an end to the commodifying of children and conflict of interest in our adoption and child welfare systems?   

The inherent right of a child to be raised by
his/her own family is often thwarted by a system
which gives agencies and foster/hopeful adoptive parents
the legal ability to draw out a contested adoption in court
and then argue "best interest" of a child to stay
with the "only family they have ever known".

We need to ensure ethical adoption laws which
protect natural families. 
Every child deserves his/her own attorney.       

Adoptees are viewed as perpetual children in the middle
of a never-ending game of keep away. 
We are marginalized by being labeled "bitter" 
if we speak of the injustice of having our names changed, identities sealed, or families separated through coercion or conflict of interest. 
Sealed records in adoption not only strips adoptee's of their identity, but it also fails to ensure ethical adoption and child welfare practices. 
A lot can be hidden behind a sealed record.

I once spoke to an adoption attorney who asserted that a new "amended" birth certificate and name must be assigned to an adoptee in order to prevent them from being seen as "second class". 
The more I thought about it, the more I realized, that it is the act of changing and sealing our identities that actually makes us "second class".

It gives the message that adoptee's are not
accepted unless "amended".

This could be the real reason why
a child struggles with "attachment". 

Yes, "attachment" to a caregiver is necessary for survival,
but for an adoptee it feels like holding on for dear life,
while dangling over the edge of a cliff.

The last thing we need is a lucrative adoption industry
feeding society myths and flawed theories
which disenfranchise and exploit
the very ones they claim to be serving. 
Yet these same "experts" are the ones who seem
to have the ear of our court systems, DHS, legislators
and behavioral health services. 
The ones making policy decisions.
 
We now have "professionals" contracted by those who earn their living
 by adoption, defining terms such as "best interest", "psychological parent", "permanency", and "attachment"
based on the perceptions of adoptive parents,
rather than protecting the inherent right of a child
to their identity, family history and connections.

With flawed theories of "attachment" expressed in the quote below,
no wonder adoptee's live a life-time of disenfranchised grief.   

  

Since "child placing" agencies are contracting
with behavioral health "experts"
who perpetuate these myths
(and many others)
to legislators, policy makers,
and foster and adoptive parents,
whose interests are we serving? 
 
Children deserve better. 

We need to start honoring the child,
not who the child can become to complete a new family.

The fact foster and adoptive parents
don't have a biological understanding of their child,
foster and adoptive children are more at risk of being
abused or drugged just to conform
to unrealistic expectations. 

 When a child doesn't have any mirroring of their own self
 through their family, they struggle with anxiety and hyper vigilance. 
It often presents as ADD or even sensory issues. 
Yet it is termed as "attachment issues" or "RAD"
and the child is given a label for a truly natural response,
rather than the problem being placed on the system
that put the child in the unnatural situation in the first place. 

 

My heart went out to one mother who stood up asking for help
for her eighteen year old adopted son. 
She said he had gone through all "the therapy"
and was still struggling. 
What could she do? 

Out of an entire room full of self-asserted "expertise",
she got no help whatsoever. 
Instead of given resources that could have really helped her family and son,
she was given a "band aid". 

The speaker described an exercise they do with "traumatized" children which consists of giving the child a band aid and asking them to put it on their body. 

This supposedly helps the child feel more comfortable to "unload their baggage" because through acknowledging they have an "owie" somewhere on their body, they will acknowledge "heart" issues more easily. 

 

How can an adopted person honestly find their heart in the midst of loyalty issues?

Adoptees must live an identity and narrative defined by others.
That script is skewed based on societal myths
perpetuated by an adoption system that serves the "demand"
for adoptable infants and children.

The sealing of our records steals
not only our identities,
but also any accountability over the "professionals"
who profit from us.  

 Federal adoption incentives influence child welfare philosophy
and adoption policy, when states are rewarded monetarily
for each adoption completed, but not for services towards natural families, family preservation, and reunification efforts.  

"Swift Adoption" programs and "Bridge" foster parents 
whose ultimate goal is adopting, adds to the conflict of interest
in a child welfare system whose goal should be preservation
 of kinship and natural families.

We need to ensure that "permanency" isn't influenced
by financial incentives and tax credits
which adds money to state budgets 
each time they encourage "adoption" placements
over reunification efforts with a child's natural family.


An adopted child's mastery of developmental and relational tasks 
are stunted because of myths perpetuated by an adoption industry 
that splits us apart.  

  
 
I could only accept myself when I was able to know, 
and embrace my dual identity...
by both birth and adoption.
  
When I found the courage to grieve
the losses that had been disenfranchised,
I was finally able to feel and fully experience 
both the good and bad in life.

Only then, as a whole person,
could I embrace myself and my families. 

The only other adoptee I knew in the building that day
 was a darling infant boy dressed in business casual
being cooed over and passed around the table like fresh meat. 

I pray for him, and for the eighteen year old son of the concerned mother. 
And for all of us.   

Bosu's & Bottoms

I really should start blogging more about my everyday life.

 

It can be pretty funny, especially since my little one has started talking.  Coming up with intelligent and age-appropriate answers for an endless stream of questions is a whole other story. That's why I don't write more about my life on the blog, actually. My brain is fried trying to keep up with him!  

Today we were driving home from "social skills" group (WHY don't they have these for adults?) when I heard Andrew in the back seat singing a happy little song. I made a point to remember it because it was so comical...it went to the tune of "London Bridge" but the words came out: "da da da da, fluff your bottom, fluff your bottom, fluff your bottom, da da da da, fluff your bottom, fluff your little bottom". Stay tuned...by the end of this post, I figured out how he got this song.    

Every so often something will happen in every day life that starts a post brewing in my mind, and the only way I can stop thinking about it is by getting it out in writing.

Today was such a day.

Even though I'm ONLY (lol) in my early 40's I fit in VERY well with a wonderful group of ladies I exercise with every Tuesday & Thursday at a "Senior Fitness" class at the local city park complex. Although these ladies range in age from 50-something to 80-something, I can BARELY keep up with them. And the aerobics instructor is amazing. She truly cares about her class and works hard to help us increase in strength and flexibility. She is so upbeat, and makes everyone aspire to her positive attitude and cheerfulness, just by being there.

I love this class, not just for the way it helps make me stronger and relieves my stiffness, aches, and pains (now I'm sounding pathetic, I know), but also because I'm surrounded by a room full of "Mothers" who just love it that I join them and am trying to get in shape (notice I said 'trying'). They have kind of "adopted" me as their own. I have to admit I like it. It feels good to surround myself with their years, sweet caring, and wisdom. And I feel much more at home than in a class full of 20's and 30-somethings that make me feel more like a grandma than a mom.

Today we got a special treat of working out on bosu's. I'd never heard of such a thing, but quickly realized what a challenge they are. They look like those big round exercise balls, but cut in half and with a flat bottom on the floor, so you can use them to step up and down on. But as one cute little 70 year old said when she got up on it today, "I don't feel very stable on this!" ~ it is a workout just to balance on this squishy, shifting air-filled mound. We were all sweating by the end of the hour just trying to balance and hold ourselves together on these things. Fun, fun! lol

I had to laugh at the thought this afternoon as I was driving my son to his appointment and multi-tasking as usual. With one hand, I grabbed my lipstick & pulled down the mirror; twisted the lipstick out too far ~ and as soon as it touched my lips, half of it broke off and landed somewhere between my legs in the seat. I tried to "feel for it" and not bring attention to myself from the drivers all around, but it was to no avail. I still couldn't find the thing. So my next move was to use the new Bosu technique I had just learned earlier this morning to save my rear from getting lipstick smeared everywhere, and lifted my glut's as fast as possible! Talk about feeling funny, attempting to pull in at the next turn-off in that position, opening the door and exiting the car! All the while, my son is freaking out in the backseat yelling, "WHAT'S WRONG MOMMY, WHAT'S WRONG???" in somewhat of a panic. All I could do was laugh, so that put us both in a giggling fit. So funny! Can't wait to tell my aerobics teacher how glad I am for strong glut's!

Anyway, back to my story. I was actually kind of excited to go to my son's social group today because I was feeling a little ornery from an experience I had earlier in the day. You see, all the Mom's of the kids sit around and talk while waiting for the class to end, and I have learned quite a bit over the last few weeks just sitting and listening. I am quieter than most of the Moms in this little group (as is true about every "group" I'm in) mostly because I was a little discouraged because Andrew is not quite as far along in his skills as the other kids and sometimes I feel like I have very little in common with other Mom's anyway, so it makes it hard. I mean most Mom's don't have kids who weighed a pound at birth and all that goes a long with that. But that is life.

Even before I became a Mom, I felt "different" anyway. People don't realize how being adopted affects a person their whole lives through. It affects our life story, our family dynamics and history, and hence, not only our close relationships, but even just normal "chit-chat" with people we meet on a daily basis. So I'm used to it.

What I've realized over the years is that my reality makes others very uncomfortable. So if I share my true self with others, it causes great discomfort for those around me. And therefore, I usually choose to keep quiet or focus on others rather than myself. But that truly does get old the older you get, and you yearn for realness and the ability to share and be embraced for the person you really are. It is lonely.

So today was one of those days I decided to be courageous and actually share alittle bit of my real self with the ladies from my exercise group. We had all gone to eat lunch together after class to "get to know each other better" and after months of exercising and laughing and having fun with these women, I felt comfortable enough that I wanted to risk sharing more of myself in order to have authentic friendships. But as usual, I may have been wrong in doing it.  I guess I won't really know until I see their reactions the next few weeks. But I left second-guessing myself as usual.

The discussion took place between myself and two other women left at my table and it was toward the end of our time together anyway. So that may be part of why the one lady, especially, got up and left pretty quickly. She seemed to get pretty jittery and nervous and I felt sorry for her. She is the lady I usually exercise by, and we have always seemed to "hit it off" in conversation. We both enjoy writing and art and talk about it frequently at class. So I guess that is why I felt bad that she seemed so ready to leave right after the discussion went the way of adoption search and reunion.

I mean she had been the one to ask me about my education, what I did and what I would like to do in the future. So I shared...I am interested in adoption reform. I got the usual blank looks, and then had to explain it of course. Blah, blah, blah...adopted as a baby, found my "birth family" (hate that word, but how else will people know what you're freaking talking about?), and am passionate about the psychology of adoption.

"Did you actually enjoy meeting these people?" she asked in a defensive tone.
"Yes I did, and I believe it was a tremendous help to building my identity as an adult."

That's when she started looking disheveled and nervous and said, "Well, I need to get out of here" and excused herself. Quick goodbyes. Ouch. The lady left at the table with me changed the subject too. Thank God it was at the end of lunch or I don't know how it would have felt. Sheesh. I'm still reeling a bit.

So out to the car I go to pick up my son from school and had to call an adoptee friend of mine to try to calm myself. Only another adoptee can understand sometimes. Literally.

By the time for "social group" I was ready. I had decided that if I survived one adoption conversation today, I could go at it again, by goodness. Out of five kids in the social group, two of the kids are adopted. I've sat through several weeks now listening to adoption "stories" as a silent observer. Chomping at the bit sometimes to speak up, but not daring. Not to be rude or anything. Just to share my own adoption "story". Adoptees have stories too, you know. And I've mainly just wanted to share some good resources with these people. They need 'em! (ie., "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish" ~ why haven't most adoptive parents heard about these anyway? It's an interesting question to ponder.)

Sometimes when I suffer through awkward moments in every day life brought on by adoption, I just get downright ornery and decide it's about time others feel uncomfortable instead of me. But darn it, the one day I'm revved up and ready for the challenge, adoption was not mentioned once! lol I'm always kicking myself for waiting too long and missing my chance. I should have spoken up weeks ago when it was the flavor of the day and offered my own connection to the fluff bottom topic of adoption. (My new word for it ~ "rainbow farts & fluff bottoms", thanks to the creative songs of my only son and blood-relative).

*I just figured out he probably came up with that song after watching Mommy's "glut" trick earlier. 

I guess my point is, being adopted is lonely.

There are countless examples I could share. They happen every single day actually, in some way or another. But it is just something I deal with as an adoptee. Like the awesome women's conference I went to this past weekend, where several Mother/Daughter pairs were reminders of the fact my own Mother and I lost that precious connection and time together. I sometimes just feel downright motherless. I know that sounds harsh. But it is true. It doesn't negate the fact my Mom (adoptive) and I love each other very much. But watching other Mothers and Daughters brings pain because they look, sound and act so much alike. They share the same likes and dislikes. They just belong together. They usually don't experience such a big age difference either. And they don't walk around the huge pink elephant of adoption in the middle of everything.

The lie that love is all that is needed. The lie that there is no loss (when it is staring them both in the face). The lie that even birth certificates declare as "normal" what is not. The lie that misinforms and causes life-long misunderstanding and isolation.

Yes, I so want to speak up during the plethora of adoption stories I seem to encounter so often in my daily life. My heart aches for the adoptees being discussed as if voiceless. Because they are. I am.

That is why I love blogging. It is a safe place to dismantle the uneasiness of being adopted in a world where adoption is idolized instead of understood. A very uneasy world indeed.

Case in point: Below is a picture at my wedding. That is my first father walking me down the aisle (he walked me half-way down, symbolizing to me the new relationship we were blessed to begin). Notice the women on the first row. For several years, I literally could not look at this photograph because of the pain it triggered. It was easier to hide it away, like the feelings I also stuffed instead of faced. The pain on their faces is so real.

(First is my Mom (adoptive), then Nanny (adoptive), and my Great-Grandmother and Grandmother by birth, who I had just been reunited with. My maternal (birth) Grandmother and Aunt were sitting a few rows behind. My first mother passed away at the age of 32, while also searching for me).

It hurts to see such pain surrounding my very existence, my life, my story, and my "family". But it is reality for the adopted. No wonder adoptee's silently struggle through their birthdays, their "gotcha" days; through every day for that matter.   

And by the way, let us not forget to "fluff our bottoms" ie. kick a.. (however you may want to take that). lol

As my beloved Nanny used to say, "might as well laugh to keep from crying!" : )

Infant-Maternal Separation Has Lasting Effects

© Photographer: Dmccale | Agency: Dreamstime.com

"Separation in early life is associated with changes in

hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) responses to stress [38], transient and

long-term changes in immune competence in non-human primates [39], and reduced

maternal-infant attunement [40]. The impact of maternal-infant separation during
the sensitive period may permanently alter affectional ties [23], and may
consequently influence developing organ systems, including the nervous system[8].

 

Events that affect the ability of the mother to attend to her infant shape
the capacity of the newborn to tolerate stress, since the immature nervous

system is unable to regulate states of high arousal. Events occurring during

labor and delivery that may affect the mother or the infant's ability to bond

include early separation, pain in the mother or infant, the use of medication

such as anesthesia, and anxiety, among others [23]. Whereas healthy newborns

demonstrate more rapid returns to baseline cortisol following exposure to stress

[41], babies born following mild obstetrical complications have less optimal HPA

responses [42] as well as decreased habituation and sensitization to stressors

[41]. Maternal-infant separation following cesarean sections is common and

appears to negatively impact quality of maternal-infant interactions [43-46] as

well as frequency of breastfeeding [46]."

http://www.veroniquemead.com/somatic_early.php

 

"CONCLUSIONS: Skin-to-skin contact, for 25 to 120 minutes after birth, early

suckling, or both positively influenced interaction 1 year later

when compared with routines involving separation of mother and infant."

***NOTE: If a ONE HOUR PERIOD of bonding with mother influences

relationships a year later, then what does mommy disappearing do???

My friend and fellow advocate (a first mother) Lori also pointed out in her comment a revealing article from Psychology Today:

An infant, due to the amount of time in the womb, and until the discovery of motor skills such as crawling, usually around 9 months old, is unaware that they are not a physical part of their mothers.

 

*Being both an adoptee as well as mother to a preemie who spent his first four months in a neonatal intensive care unit, reading these studies 'explain' the issues and behaviors so readily apparent in both myself and my son, and also saddens and angers me. Dr. John Bowlby and others have researched the importance of the mother/infant bond for years.

 

Yet both the medical and adoption communities have been either too slow or completely unacknowledging of the ABUSES they have committed against human lives.
Taking an infant away from mother immediately after birth is damaging to a child. Yet it is practiced daily in hospitals everywhere, and applauded in "open adoption", all for the benefit of waiting adoptive parents. Furthermore, research like this is avoided during "options counseling" when adoption agencies spout the "benefits" of adoption in marketing pregnant mothers. These conclusions are certainly not provided to prospective adoptive parents either.

 

How can we call "counseling" provided by the very "professionals" who make their living in adoption non-directive or ethical?
 

I recently attended the "grand opening" celebration of a new NICU in our local Children's Hospital and could hardly hold back the tears touring this beautiful "mother/child" friendly facility. Each room is completely private, with a warming bed/incubator, a comfortable recliner, and even a pull-out bed. The best-practice philosophy in neonatal care is "family-centered" where the mother (rightly) becomes an integral part of her newborns care from day one, including "kangaroo care" (skin to skin contact) as much as possible. I would have given anything for this environment when my son was born. He lived in a "pod" of open space with numerous other babies within just a few feet. I sat for four months propped on a tall bar stool by his side, with no privacy, noise and traffic surrounding us continually. The "alarms" alone were enough to send even an adult through the roof at times. What did they do to tiny, under-developed nervous systems? Just thinking back to this experience causes my heart to race with anxiety.

Last night I snuck away to a women's meeting at my church and then went out to eat with a dear friend afterwards. I got home after my son was already in bed asleep. Mind you, he is 4 years old now and has come a long way after his traumatic start in life. But this morning, he threw a huge panicked fit, ordering me to "GO AWAY!!!" over and over again. He was still reeling from my (just a few hours) absence last night. This is very typical for him and it has been so hard. It hurts me to see him hurting - dealing with high-anxiety and insecure attachment. All because he was separated from me for so many months at the beginning of his life.

True, I got to hold him when he was two weeks old and then on, but only for minut periods of time. Getting to hold him for even an hour a day was a privilege that we didn't get to partake of until he was well past 2 months old. His vital signs calmed, and so did mine. But even that was not enough to give him the foundation he needed. God comforted me with a verse in Isaiah 66 which promises, "I will comfort you as a mother comforts her child" and I literally lived and breathed this to keep going.

I am so thankful the medical community is finally beginning to "catch up" with the known research of maternal/infant health.

 

Yet, the adoption community continues to ignore and contradict these important studies for their own benefit.

 

According to the research above, not only are children affected emotionally and psychologically by being separated from their mother, their physical health is detrimentally affected as well.

This growing body of research can't be ignored much longer. We call upon ethical professionals to take these studies seriously and use the knowledge to change policies and laws surrounding adoption. To protect voiceless children who are caught in the web of a financially, supply/demand driven adoption industry. Even puppies are not separated from their mothers until well after the time of weaning ~ for a reason. Shouldn't human children be given this same respect and more?

While finally allowing myself to grieve the loss of my own mother through adoption (several years before the birth of my son) I wrote several poems. The feelings of a human-being who experiences the trauma of pre-verbal separation from mother run so deep, it is truly fearful to acknowledge and experience them (especially in a society which disregards them, causing further trauma,'disenfranchised grief'). Yet, that is exactly what is necessary to bring healing. That which is kept in the dark and is never exposed to the light can never be healed. You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. That is why "sealed records" in adoption is a crime, perpetuating painful shame for all involved.

Here I Lay

Alone in the nursery I lay
Cries ring out like radar
Searching, searching, searching
In circles around my bed they reach
Striving to find the woman I know
Her breath, her hair, her touch
No where.

Alone in the nursery I lay
The ceiling so far away
Arms flinging hoping to find
Nothing but emptiness I feel

Where is she? Why isn't she here?
I am lost and alone. I can't feel.
The cries stop. There is no use
She is long gone
She or me? I do not know
Here I lay in the nursery alone.

National "Human-Trafficking" Prevention Month

© Photographer: Michaeldb | Agency: Dreamstime.com

For those who are not aware, in addition to Mon being a Nat'l awareness day, President Obama issued a proclamation designating January National Human Trafficking Prevention Month!

BELOW is an excerpt from the President's proclamation:

Fighting human trafficking is a shared responsibility. This month, I urge all Americans to educate themselves about the signs and consequences of human trafficking. Together, we can and must end this most serious, ongoing criminal civil rights violation.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim January 2010 as National Human Trafficking Prevention Month, culminating in the annual celebration of National Freedom Day on February 1. I call upon the people of the United States to recognize the vital role we can play in ending human-trafficking, and to observe this month with appropriate programs and activities."

* I would be very curious to find out the number of victims of child-trafficking who are also victims of "dissolved" adoptions in America. I have a feeling we would all be very shocked.

As horrific a crime as human-trafficking is, there is a component of this subject that few acknowledge or validate. Millions of adoptees in America whose civil rights are violated through archaic "sealed records" laws born from corrupt adoption practices. Before the 1940's adoptee's had the same civil right as every other American to obtain their original birth certificate in adulthood. Today only six U.S. states grant adult adopted individuals the same priviledge as non-adopted citizens to obtain this important personal document and information about themselves.

Even today, when a mother relinquishes her child, or has her rights terminated, the child's birth certificate remains intact. It is not until an adoption is finalized that a new (falsified) Certificate of Live Birth is issued, and the child's original (factual) birth certificate is permanently "sealed" from them and their children after them. This "amended" birth certificate lists the new legal parents (adoptive) as actually giving birth to the child. A legalized lie. The adoptee's civil rights are violated because they must live their entire life (along with their children and grandchildren after them) with a falsified record of birth. That equates to a false genealogy, false family medical history, false identity ~ even throughout adulthood.

A more ethical and truthful option would be to issue a "Certificate of Adoption" much like other countries, such as Australia, do. The only other time in American history when human's were denied their identity and personal documents was during the time of slavery.

Until these archaic laws are changed, adoption in America is essentially government-sanctioned identity theft.

Adoption has sadly become a billion-dollar industry for which brokers (attorneys, agencies) advertise and market for human-lives. Competition abounds for every healthy young child who can be made "available" for adoption. While true orphans (mostly older, special-needs children) are passed by. This supply & demand, financially-driven industry in human-lives (we applaud as adoption) sets up a climate for gross conflict of interest and unethical practices across our country and around the world.

I pray for the day we can look back as a society upon the years of "sealed record" adoption law and celebrate the restoration of adoptee's civil right to KNOW and OWN their personal histories and birth certificates.

"Unlock Our Lives". Adoptee access legislation is years past due and is simply the right thing to do for millions of American's dignity and freedom.

Happy Adoptees

© Photographer: Agg | Agency: Dreamstime.com

Happy Adoptees
By Julie A. Rist

I am not the happy and grateful adoptee that you want me to be. Don’t get me wrong. I was happy and grateful for almost 45 years – or so I believed. Had you asked me then how I felt about being adopted, you might have heard something like, “Great! I am so grateful to my (adoptive) parents for all they did and, no, I am not interested in finding my ‘real’ family. My adoptive family is my ‘real’ family, thankyouverymuch, and they are a wonderful family. I’ve had a wonderful life. Of course, I am grateful to my natural mother for giving me life. Oh, you’re adopting? How wonderful!”

I enthusiastically expressed that view all those years because I needed to convince myself that my life was normal and right and that I was okay. I did it because everyone else wanted me to feel that way, too. And I thought I would die if I ever looked deeper.

Happy children

You’ve seen adopted children who seem to be perfectly happy, too. They smile and have fun just like those whose families are intact. They act happy and, occasionally, they are.

Yes, adopted children smile and laugh. Did you stop smiling after you lost a loved one? Didn’t you still laugh when someone said something funny? Weren’t you still capable of having some fun?

Did you ever smile and act happy to hide your grief?

Of course you did. But even when you smiled, those close to you knew it didn’t mean you were happy. Those close to you accepted and expected your pain and sadness. They did not expect you to be happy about your loss. They gave you something most adoptees do not get: acknowledgement of, empathy for, and permission to express your grief.

What grief?

In the early ‘50s when I was adopted, little was known about the power of the bond between mother and child. Society still accepted Locke’s theory of tabula rasa – that we are born as blank slates. John Locke died in 1704, yet his theory survived until the mid- 50s. Now, however, we know that even before birth babies are intelligent, remembering and aware beings with their own personalities.

We know that much of who we are today was created in the womb. We know that mother and child are a single entity, profoundly connected physiologically, emotionally and spiritually – even through early infancy. A baby does not understand that he or she is an individual until at least 9 months after birth.

Through their research, authorities have determined that, when the mother/child entity is split, it causes an acute and lasting trauma in both mother and child. The repercussions are ominous and tenacious. Though they become buried deep inside, the repercussions follow both mother and child throughout the remainder of their lives.

It is difficult, emotionally, to imagine a tiny baby’s very real feelings about the loss of his or her mother -- the terror of losing all that is familiar, all that is comfort – the unique heartbeat, scent, taste, voice, rhythms and vibrations. Babies are born needing and expecting these familiar things which only their natural mothers can provide.

Even with this knowledge which has accumulated over the past 20 years, there remain those in our society who sever the mother/child entity as casually as they would cut a common earthworm in two.

Ignored trauma is another trauma

A child’s first experience in the adoptive family is usually joining in everyone else’s happiness over his or her tragedy. The child’s first trauma is ignored or dismissed, perhaps in the belief that enough love will make it disappear. It will not. In essence, the adoptee is expected to dance along with everyone else on his or her own mother’s virtual grave. Most experts in the fields of adoption psychology and trauma consider this dismissal to be the adoptee’s second trauma.

The first and second traumas are the root causes for a number of issues and for additional traumas, which accumulate one upon another (what Betty Jean Lifton calls “Cumulative Trauma”).

We may not want to imagine these things because it is uncomfortable to do so but, to act in a child’s best interest including protecting his or her emotional health, we need to suffer through such discomfort.

Denial

Over 14 years ago, I began 9 years in therapy, struggling with a boatload of issues that are utterly classic in adoptees. I didn’t accomplish much. The problem was that I did not connect them with my adoption experience. In all fairness, my therapist encouraged me to recognize the connection, but I was so deep in “De Nile” that I could not see it – indeed would not see it. I needed too desperately (like most of society) to believe that my adoption experience was the positive part of my life – not the source of my problems.

Denial is powerful and, in many ways, a gift. It is a state we create in order to avoid feeling the pain of seeing the truth. When a baby’s world is gone, he or she does whatever it takes to survive. If the child does not get empathy and permission to grieve, he or she has no choice but to psychologically deny the trauma. And that includes smiling to hide the grief. The child begins to believe that his or her feelings are unimportant – even wrong. The child learns how not to feel.

I do not use the word “denial” in a damning or judgmental way. It is a normal and natural human survival tool. I not only acknowledge it but, knowing intimately the pain that comes with shedding that denial, I am reticent to nudge others out of it. Denial can be a trauma victim’s most effective tool for survival, because revisiting the event that caused the trauma can feel literally life threatening.

The downside of denial unfortunately outweighs the upside. Denial prevents us from understanding and effectively managing all the issues that stem from the disintegration of the mother/child entity. What are the most common issues?

Identity

Issues of the adoptee are barely acknowledged by society and then only in those who are of a different race than the adoptive family – as if physical differences are the only ones that matter. But there are reasons why we see repetitive generations of lawyers, healers, scholars, actors, artists, etc. in natural families. It is not just a matter of continuing a family business or tribal tradition. It is a matter of like characteristics being perpetuated, generation after generation, being nurtured by genetic mirroring.

Even if we are not transracial or biracial adoptees, we still do not get the genetic mirroring that we so desperately need. We don’t know how tall we’ll get, or whether our hair will get darker or lighter, our skin clearer, our bodies thinner or thicker. We don’t know who we’ll look like when we’re older. Our own natural characteristics are unfamiliar, so we don’t know what we should or should not choose to develop.

Although such things may seem inconsequential to those around us, they are monumental to us, and serve to make us feel even more alienated, more lost.

When an adoptee’s characteristics do not fit those of the adoptive family (or the extended adoptive family), there can be trouble. In my case art, writing and psychology were all frowned upon by my adoptive family. Yet those characteristics run happily in my natural family. Though my adoptive parents meant well, I grew up feeling like a bad seed. Out of desperation for approval, I pursued career paths that I thought would please them but even those successes were never enough to overcome their disappointment.

Carrying the surname of someone else’s family also contributes to identity problems. The child is expected to embrace the adoptive family’s ancestry, as if his or her own is immaterial -- as if living in the dark is no big deal.

Low self-esteem

Identity issues can explain some low self-esteem, a classic adoptee problem. Another cause is some adoptive parents’ – and society’s – (unmistakable yet unspoken) low opinion of the stereotypical “birthmother.” Not only is this an unfair and incorrect judgment about our mothers, but adopted children incorporate these attitudes into their own self-image.

Along with this message, adopted children are often told that, essentially, their mothers loved them so much that they gave them away. This makes no sense. If my mother really loved me that much, she would have kept me -- therefore there must be something wrong with me. This creates low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem leads to people-pleasing. Adoptees are exemplary people-pleasers. That is why we so often appear to be happy and are pleasant to be around. Lots of smiling! Our original purpose as adoptees was to fulfill the desires of others, to make them happy. Early on, our authentic selves are sacrificed to fill those needs.

Powerlessness and control

For many adoptees, it is easy to fall into despair and feel powerless over circumstances that emotionally healthy people can overcome with relative ease. This is rooted in our separation experience, when we felt powerless, helpless and hopeless. Paradoxically, we can become obsessed with controlling other parts of our lives, those things and events that we can control. This is conflict waiting to happen.



Depression

Often, depression can come from the sheer exhaustion of maintaining pretense (being in denial). No matter how much love and care we are given, the truth is that we are (and will always be) someone else’s children. Yet we exhaust ourselves emotionally, pretending otherwise because we believe it will ensure our survival and prevent another abandonment.

We also expend a lot of energy fantasizing about our natural mothers, and a lot of energy burying our authentic selves in favor of people-pleasing. All these things take a great deal of energy yet offer little reward -- fertile ground for depression.

Trust

One of our most common problems is that of trust. The original disintegration of the mother/child entity can literally destroy a baby’s nascent sense of trust. Once lost, it can never be recovered. Only a tentative sense of trust can be painstakingly built by the adoptive family, yet it will always be difficult and sometimes impossible. Again paradoxically, we tend to casually trust anyone and everyone. It is when deep trust is required, as in intimacy, we tend to fall short.

Abandonment

Abandonment is the most common issue of the adoptee. Despite the true circumstances of the separation from our natural mothers, we experienced this emotionally as abandonment. Even with later knowledge of those circumstances, the early emotional experience of abandonment never leaves us. Relationship troubles abound. Other issues such as trust, identity, low self-esteem and control compound these troubles.

Many people have abandonment issues. For adoptees, however, abandonment is not just painful. It can feel like annihilation.

“Only eyes washed by tears can see clearly.” – Louis Mann

Staying in denial, while it may be a refuge, hurts everyone involved. Although seeing the truth also hurts, don’t parentless children deserve what they truly need? How can society continue pretending that the smiles are genuine simply because it is easier than acknowledging the underlying problems?

For those who genuinely care about these children and want to take that first step toward seeing clearly, start with one of Betty Jean Lifton’s books, such as Journey of the Adopted Self or Nancy Verrier’s The Primal Wound. They offer insight into the issues of adoptees, adoptive parents, and of mothers who have lost children to adoption. Such knowledge and understanding can open our minds and hearts to alternatives that are even better than adoption.

Smiles as masks

Despite all these traumas and issues, adoptees smile. We smile to hide a world of hurt that neither we nor the rest of the world want to face. We smile because the world needs us to smile. They need to believe they are doing the right thing for us, to forget those silly “issues,” and call us “happy.” By smiling, we help them do that.

Next time you encounter a “happy” and “grateful” adoptee who had “wonderful” adoptive parents and a “wonderful” life, look a little closer.


Ms. Rist is an artist, writer, and adoption alternatives activist living in Phoenix.

Article by J. A. Rist © Copyright 2002, 2003. All rights reserved.

Happy New Year 2010

Wishing everyone a Bright & Blessed New Year 2010!

I wanted to share the blog of a new friend and great writer, Amanda, "The Declassified Adoptee". I think she made a most profound statement on her blog to start 2010:

"...a question that might help you decide in political matters that don't concern you: "would the world be a better place if EVERYONE were treated this way?" If it's not OK to treat everyone on a global level to be denied original identity, on-going family medical history and biological heritage, then it isn't OK to deny adoptees either."

That sounds a lot like "The Golden Rule" to me!

I had a nice New Year's morning surprise this morning when I happened to flip to a channel just as the Dr. Seuss movie, "Horton Hears a Who" was starting...got to watch it all the way through (for the first time). Adoptees, first parents, adoptive parents, and ethical professionals ~ let's work to bring our voices together and make enough noise this year to ensure our leaders hear us. This restoration of adoptee's dignity and right to obtain our unfalsified original record of birth is long past due. Millions of adopted individuals and those after us deserve it ~ Unlock our lives.

‘‘even though you can’t see or hear them at all, a person’s a person, no matter how small’’ ~ Horton

Second-class citizen?

Second-class citizen?
Letters to the Editor
12/30/2009
http://www.times-standard.com/letters/ci_14092609

All I wanted for Christmas was my civil rights back. (That didn't happen.)

California's adopted citizens are discriminated against and denied the simple
human right to look at their own birth certificates -- a right all others take
for granted.

The multibillion-dollar adoption industry perpetrates the myth that mothers who
relinquished their children were promised anonymity. This is a lie.

For the very small minority who do not seek contact, just say no. If that
doesn't work, there are sufficient laws to protect anyone from unwanted contact.
Adoptees and their original families need no special, additional protection from
one another. What they need is equality and a return of their civil rights that
have been denied to them since the 1940s.

California, get on track. Stop discriminating against people for having been
adopted. Let these adults decide who they want in their lives and who they
don't. Family genealogy and interactions between adults -- or not -- are
personal choices, and should not be legal issues.

Amended birth certificates (issued to all adoptees) are falsified "legal"
documents listing the adoptive parents as the biological parents. This is
discrimination against people who, as children, were adopted without their
consent and without legal representation.

I cannot trace my lineage, thanks to the state of California. I don't even know
my ethnicity, thanks to the state of California. I pay my taxes, yet I am
treated like a second-class citizen in the state of California.

Mara Rigge

An Adoptee's Christmas Wish

Thank you to Wraith at "Ramblings of a Shadow" for posting this amazing sentiment!

"Twas the night before Christmas
one wish in my heart
to be reunited
with one long apart
the agencies say no
the governments too
but all i ask for
is the same rights as you.
To know my past,
my blood, and my birth
to know my story
in all of it’s worth.
So this night I do wish
and hope for a sign
that one day I will know
the truth that is mine."

"The Primal Wound" Book Tour

                                    © Photographer: De-kay | Agency: Dreamstime.com

The Open Adoption Examiner is hosting an online "book tour" of "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Newton Verrier, a forerunner adoptive parent and psychologist. I've really enjoyed reading the questions/responses submitted by other bloggers and learn so much from them. Thank you for the opportunity to participate and learn! Here are some thoughts about the questions below:

There are a great deal of behavioral issues that Verrier attributes to the Primal Wound of being separated from ones birthmother and subsequently adopted. These range from acting out and testing the adoptive parents, to becoming detached, to future inabilities to maintain healthy relationships as an adult. To the adoptees, I'm curious if you identified with any of these traits. Further, if you answered "yes", do you think your adoptive parents would agree that you have these traits as well?

Let's see...ummm...yes, yes, and yes. As a child I hid feelings of differentness and insecurity, all the while putting on a smiling face to convince others and myself that I was "special" and "chosen" and therefore, almost superior to other kids. I HAD to make straight A's, be the teacher's pet, and make everybody like me, because inside, I didn't feel likeable. So I tried really hard. I said, "I love you" ALOT and made my Mom home-made cards for every conceivable holiday, always portraying the same message ~ "I'm so glad I have the BEST Mom in the whole wide world." Looking back I realize it was my way of not only trying to convince myself that I was perfectly happy being adopted, but also defending against my Mom's insecurities being my "Mother", loyally protecting her & myself.

I was the compliant adoptee for sure! The last thing I wanted was to "stick out" or be noticed in a crowd, because I didn't feel worthy of it. Yet, my Mom was SO proud of me, that she would make sure we were noticed. It truly humiliated me and caused me to go deeper into my shell. A shell which confounded my adoptive family. They couldn't understand the painful shyness (and did I mention, control) either. Yes, they would completely agree and I'm sure have much more to say than I. I just wish they had been given this book years ago, as I think it would have helped them understand my behavior a little better.

Becoming aware of these issues within myself is helping me become a better person, friend, daughter, spouse, and mother. Because my son deals with attachment issues of his own, my healing journey has provided the gift of "insight" into him, and will hopefully help him on his. I can allow him the freedom to rage and question and control, without the fear of being unaccepted, because I have walked through my own "ugliness" and learned to (a little better) accept myself.

It's hard to "admit" unsavory personality traits and relationship struggles because that brings up even more shame. The last thing I ever want is to "unknowingly" hurt those I love, or even knowingly do so through behavior that feels beyond my control. That's why I am so thankful for books that truly validate and educate, because they are a key that has the potential to unlock healing.

I still "numb out" and feel detached during times of stress. As a child I'd have reoccuring dreams where I'd be flying, feeling like my body and spirit was not grounded ~ searching for what? I did not know. But searching all the time. Restless.

Oh, and relationships. The same "detachment" can describe my relationships. Even my marriage of 19 years, as well as with long-time friends. I am the queen of "push/pull", always longing to feel close, but getting flighty and distracted when things get too close emotionally. Feeling alone alot, but it is getting better.

Even as an adult, before I read books like "The Primal Wound", I couldn't figure out WHY I was "the way I was". I remember going to a class at my church entitled "Boundaries" (great book by Cloud & Townsend) and discussing in the group how I "felt like a fake" but didn't know why. I didn't understand myself at all. All I got from the others, including the facilitator (interestingly enough, she was a social worker who worked for an adoption agency) was "your not fake, why would you feel that way?" I couldn't answer that. And felt even more isolated.

It wasn't until years after my "reunion" that I finally found some answers as to why I exhibited such contradictory emotions and perplexing behavior. On the outside, I seemed to have everything. An adoptive family who loved me immensely AND a first family who embraced me immediately. I remember telling others that I was "doubly blessed" because I had gained so much and lost nothing. Yet inside I fought feelings of extreme sadness that I couldn't explain. Why couldn't I just be happy, like my demeanor implied?

Then I happened across an "adoptee support group" on the web. I had NEVER known another adoptee, nor ever thought of myself as one, really. I had certainly NEVER thought of myself as an "orphan". It was like a slap in the face. I HAD a family. Yet I found myself weeping for days, literally. For the first time, I found books like "The Primal Wound" and felt validated, normal ~ what a huge relief. (Even through the intense crying and pain that made me feel like I was going to die.) It was like I "woke up" and became REAL. Thank God for books like "The Primal Wound", which finally put words to feelings that couldn't be explained. Truly pre-verbal. And so misunderstood.

I SO identify with the "false self" that Verrier describes. I mean, why wouldn't I feel "false" when my very birth certificate is false. We reap what we sow, even in adoption law. Which is sad. The only way my existence was validated or worthy was through a new identity, family, and "self" created to fill that role. My new "self" couldn't grieve the loss of my own mother or the "self" I was as connected to her. Because my adoption was a win-win situation that was joyously celebrated. What else was I to do? But create a "false self" that personified this new life, and deny that part within me that felt confused, undone, and unworthy. Or at least try.

"...the human child requires a period of a year after birth..to attain the degree of maturity that characterizes the young of most other mammals at birth...an uninterrupted continuum of being within the matrix of the mother is necessary in order for the infant to experience a rightness or wholeness of self from which to begin his separation or individuation process. The continuity and quality of this primal relationship is crucial, because it may set the tone for all subsequent relationships....the loss of the mother disallows the achievement of basic trust, the first milestone in the healthy development of a human being."

It is so hard to read or write about the question posed above. Not only do I identity with what is written, but I can see this so clearly in my own son. He was born three months premature, weighed 1.4 pounds, and was separated from me, alone, in a NICU incubator for four months. Emotions well up in me every time I take myself back to those days. The pain of leaving him there was almost too hard to bear. I could not only relate to his sense of complete and utter aloneness, nothingness, longing, but I could also relate to what my first mother must have felt with empty arms, and such strong hormones crying out to embrace and protect the one whom she carried and bonded with as her own flesh.

When I finally got to bring him home, I would hold and rock him close for hours on end, crying through whispered prayers for God to somehow heal his pain and help him feel secure in my love and His. As a toddler, he would anxiously resist touch and hugs; everything had to be on his terms. He is still very controlling and "jumpy", but is finally exhibiting improved affect and sensory regulation and even spontaneous joy.

My son will be five years old in just a few weeks and his latest milestone brings complete joy to my heart, just like every milestone has up till now. His new favorite word is "Why?" and it is like music to my ears. Interestingly, as his language has increased, his anxieties have become more clear. Not only did he endure early separation from his Mother, along with a premature nervous system, but he has also had four surgeries in his four years of life. This year is our first with no surgeries. Thank you, Jesus!

"Are the nurses coming today, Momma?" "Why did the nurses 'poke' me, Momma?"

No matter how much explaining I do, he seems to always come back with this:

"But Why?"

Me: "You had to come out of Mommy's tummy early and I'm so sorry, Honey. I wish you could have lived in Mommy's tummy longer. The doctors had to give you medicine to make you feel better. I'm so sorry they had to 'poke' you. Were you scared?" Yes, he was scared.

"But Jesus healed us and we got to be together again. I'm so glad we are together now..." This conversation has been repeated numerous times, because Andrew asks to hear it over and over. I think it is his way of trying to process his early experiences. And maybe his way of reaching out in trust, the trust he has had to work so hard to build, even with me, his own Mother. Tears.

He's learning about birthdays and "celebration", and loves his favorite video of the baby dinosaur being "born" out of the egg. So he comes over to me and says, "I want to be born, Mommy." We'll "act out" his birth over & over again. He'll hide his little head under my shirt on my stomach while I gush over how very much I love him. Then he POPS out and says "I'm born!" ~ we clap and cheer and sing "Happy Birthday". He loves it. Again, and again.

"Mommy, will you always take care of me?" is another sentence I hear a lot. "Yes, Honey, I love you and will always take care of you." All this is so good to hear, because I know he is building trust and feeling more secure. The insecure attachment is lessening, and he isn't quite as anxious when we go new places. The frustration and anger towards himself is lessening too. He still sometimes prefers my husband over me, though, which is a heartbreaking confession. It is usually when I have been away for awhile. When I come back, he still sometimes screams for me to "go away, Mommy" and our reunions (even after short separations) are very distraught with negativity. But even those are getting better. He's becoming a "Mommy's boy", and I'm so happy, not only for myself, but more for him. It means he is learning to trust!

Another interesting behavior I see in my son, which makes me completely identify with "The Primal Wound" is his misuse of pronouns. He gets them all mixed up, especially when talking to me. He will call me "I" and himself "you". And alot of the time it is simply "we". Like his little mind and spirit can't distinguish between himself and me, his Mother. When he was younger, if I got upset or cried or even shed one tear, he would literally come undone. He looked to me for his "ok-ness" and if I wasn't "ok" he was at a complete loss in total panic. I could see it all over his face, as he frantically wiped my tears away while holding in his own. He still won't hardly cry. Ever. He's the "bravest" child I've ever seen, but I so wish he didn't have to be. My Mom says "he's independent, just like you used to be."

It reminds me of my "pre-awakening" days versus "post-awakening" regarding my true "self". Before, I tried to "appear" confident, overly "useful", and "strong". It was easier to focus on helping others (all the while hiding behind a little bit of hidden judgement) than to look within (too painful) and work on myself. It wasn't until I allowed the fearful, abandoned child in me to "wake up" and feel, that I became extremely vulnerable. But, not only did I finally acknowledge overwhelming grief; walking through it also enabled me to truly feel and embrace the joy and the love in my life. With both my families. Another benefit has been the ability to feel deeper compassion for myself and others.

Almost nothing, however, has been more healing for me than having my own child. He is my only "flesh & blood" relative I have the privilege of living life with in a natural family relationship. I find that he is the only person I can totally "let go" emotionally with and embrace with abandon. I don't find myself "pulling back" like I do with other people, even those who I am close to. I think we are both helping each other, actually, learn to trust nature and fold ourselves into each other, the way a mother/child relationship is intended at birth. That may sound strange, but I am learning that which I lost and never experienced, and I'm so thankful. Not that I don't still battle fear of loss. It overshadows everything. But I'll never give up contending for wholeness, for healing.

My son just woke up from a four hour nap. He is very active, more so than most kids. But he also needs alot of sleep, which he sometimes fights. He seems always on alert, needing extra reassurances and expending a lot of energy dealing with these anxieties. As an adoptee, I'm completely exhausted just writing this post. So I know a touch of how he feels.

"A recurring message throughout the book is that adoption should be in the best interest of the child and not the adults, something that I think very few people would argue against. But should the adoptees feelings always trump everyone else's in the triad, even when that adoptee is a grown up?"

If the above question was hard to address, this one is even harder, especially just coming down from watching 48 Hours last night, "The Lost Children." Until adoption becomes what it is intended to be, adoptee's feelings are not only disrespected, but their rights are too. Completely.

The very reason we even need books like "The Primal Wound" is because of the unethical and abusive practices against humans we call "adoption" in America. If even the medical field of neonatology recognizes and changes their practices based on knowledge now readily available and accepted regarding the "primal" damage done to humans infants by early separation from their mothers, then adoptees should not have to spend one more minute having to defend themselves or their right to own their history, feelings, or experience.

We should not have to wince every time we see mind-boggling "advertisements" recruiting pregnant mothers. Friends, adoption is a business, with HUMAN-BEINGS being bought and sold as products. "Owned". It's run by the principles of "supply & demand" and rakes in billions of dollars every year. All the while, adoption agencies and attorneys ("professionals") FAIL their "clients" by dismissing "The Primal Wound" as being unfounded and extreme. Something is wrong with this picture. Why is there so much "controversy" about this theory? Because it threatens the business, the abuse, the laws. As it should.

Until adoption does not involve ONE PENNY exchanged for the transfer of a human-being; until "Dear Burfmother (incubator), give ME "the" baby (no worries, I promise you can still see it) Letters" are deemed illegal (marketing for infants); until adoption is considered a last resort and not touted as "just another way to build a family", and mothers and children are encouraged and supported to remain together, instead of recruited for "options counseling" by agencies whose "business" it is to procure "available" children for their clients (PAP's) ~ adoption is unethical.

Individual states deem it "financially unfeasible" to even keep an accurate count of adoptions, making adoption the largest "unregulated" business in America. DA's hands are tied when attempting to fully investigate complaints, because attorneys and agencies are legally permitted to hide misdeeds and coercion through handy "sealed records" statutes.

Until there are no longer "amended" (falsified) Certificates of Live Birth or "sealed records" and EVERY adult adoptee is guaranteed the same right as all American citizens to their original (and accurate) birth certificate ~ "adoption" is just another word for child-trafficking.

I so hope for change, and am thankful for people like Nancy Verrier who had the courage to not only acknowledge the issue, but also to write a classic. A book which finally validates millions of "adaptees". It has helped us find our voices and has brought some much needed healing. We deserve better. We deserve our truth, our history, our records, as well as our feelings, without being dictated "how to" process or explain our adoptions through politically-correct "positive" adoption language. More questions we need to be asking are "Who does adoption truly serve?" and "Exactly whose records are they?"

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.
http://www.examiner.com/x-13701-open-adoption-examiner%7etopic444333-book-tour?selstate=topcat#breadcrumb