November 18, 2010
“Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third”
~ Marge Piercy
I think this quote pretty much sums up the gift of reunion...I'm so thankful for my reunion with ALL my first family and both sides. I am so blessed to know them and to know myself. It took MANY YEARS to finally unthaw my emotions enough to FEEL, because I had held in the loss and unacknowledged pain for so long. I put on the tough front of being "Chosen"...
My family embraced me and for that I'm overwhelmingly thankful. It took me a long time to RECEIVE the love they were trying to give me. I was so scared of more rejection and loss. I was a "people-pleaser" deluxe to try to avoid it.
There is a scripture that says "In Him is light and there is no darkness at all". "We shall know the TRUTH, and the truth shall set us free." Everything hidden in darkness is not exposed to the light of healing. I had to open the dark, hidden, secret parts of my heart and let the light (search, reunion, truth) overwhelm me. Like being blinded and protecting my eyes from the pain of pure brightness. It hurts. But it also illuminates and heals.
I had a dream a few years back (during the time I was finally allowing my "search" and "reunion" feelings to surface ~ years after I "found"), that I have never, ever forgotten. It was one of those dreams that seems so real. I was venturing into the attic of a house (my house I now realize), and was filled with fear. It was chock-full, from ceiling to floor, side to side, of JUNK. But for some reason, this junk scared me and put fear into my heart. Like it was something I didn't want to look at and remember or face, even though it wasn't something I remembered ever seeing before ~ just familiar for some reason. I got lost in the attic because it was so big. Like a maze. I felt claustaphobic, like I wanted to escape ~ but also a curious longing to conquer something there. Very conflicted inside.
I dreamed about this same attic several times. I remember asking God to go into the hidden parts of myself and bring healing. I truly believe that He is the one who led me into this journey, even though I felt so very vulnerable for so many years.
And the most amazing part, is that none of this "awakening" took place until YEARS AFTER my reunion with my "first" family.
Life, Love, Understanding...the picture above is of me and my "first" family the first year of our reunion. On the outside it looks uncomplicated and beautiful (three generations of family together), but the hidden, unspoken journey is far from that. It took me going through those hidden, unacknowledged feelings to finally be able to truly embrace the beauty of what I have. Thank you, Jesus.