August 31, 2008

Adoption = Abuse?

Cash
© Photographer: Nikonite | Agency: Dreamstime.com
International adoption creates conditions for child abuse -
UN agency

29 August 2008 - The intercountry adoption business in Nepal has
created a culture of child abuse including the abduction, trafficking
and sale of children, the United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF) and
a non-governmental organization (NGO) said in a report released today.
"Child rights, not profit, must be at the centre of all adoptions in
Nepal," says the study by UNICEF and Terre des Hommes (Tdh), an
international NGO.

"An industry has grown up around adoption in which profit rather than
the best interests of the child takes centre stage," said UNICEF Nepal
Representative, Gillian Mellsop.

Only four out of every 100 children adopted in Nepal are adopted by a
Nepali family and many children put up for adoption are not orphaned
but are separated from their families.

Of the some 15,000 children in orphanages or children's homes, a
significant number of admissions in these homes are a result of fraud,
coercion or malpractice, according to the 62-page report.

The report's main recommendation is the cessation of intercountry
adoption until safeguards are in place protecting the rights of
children in orphanages and significantly raising their standard of
care.

"The vast majority of children in centres don't need to be there,"
said Joseph Aguettant, Tdh Country Representative in Nepal.

"They have family... The first priority, therefore, should be to
reunite
80 per cent of the children in institutions with their families, not
to re-open intercountry adoption."

Although UNICEF and Tdh welcomed the news that the Government will
ratify the Hague Convention on Protection of Children and Cooperation
in Respect of Intercountry Adoption (1993), they emphasized that
ratification and enactment of domestic legislation should take place
before intercountry adoption procedures resume.

August 29, 2008

Whose the REAL Culprit?

Thieves are everywhere series
© Photographer: Yvanovich | Agency: Dreamstime.com
Below is a news article detailing the indictment of Melissa Christensen by a federal grand jury. My only point to blogging about this, is that the very climate of adoption in America literally ASKS for fraudulent behavior. If ALL financial transactions, and inhumane child-hunting, supply-demand mentality were eliminated from adoption and ethical child-centered adoption laws were enacted and enforced, we wouldn't see articles like these.

Adoption in America is NOT about finding homes for children who truly need them. Foster children languish in foster care, while thousands (if not millions) of "waiting" parents and adoption "professionals" seek infants by pursuing young, vulnerable pregnant mothers (the internet is inundated with "Dear Birthmother" letters literally begging for a newborn), with unenforcable "promises" of "on-going contact" with their child, housing, college-educations, and gushes of how "heroic and selfless" the mother would be if she would just "give her child a better life" and "bless a couple who can't have their own" with HER baby. Since when should it be legal to advertise to purchase a human-life? Yet that is exactly what our culture does, without regard to the children involved.
Baby costs
© Photographer: Starfotograf | Agency: Dreamstime.com
Desperate potential adoptive parents, willing to part with thousands of dollars, unethical adoption "marketing", "counseling" (recruitment) of 'birth mothers', and financial incentives naturally create an environment for unethical dilemmas in adoption. Stories like this only prove to shed light on its inherent problems in the first place.

The ones who truly suffer are NOT the poor potential adoptive parents who experience a "failed adoption" because the "birth mother changes her mind." It is the child who is caught in a web of greed, unethical laws and societal myths regarding how a family can be magically "built" through a legal transference of a human-being's very identity, (financially motivated business-deal) resulting in a baby being traumatized & separated from it's Mother, God-given identity, family, heritage, history, and even an accurate original birth certificate ~ all based on archaic "sealed records" laws perpetuating adoption as we know it.

Why aren't adoption agencies and attorneys being held to the same strict "non-directive counseling" statutes as other mental health professionals? Why aren't they being indicted for separating mothers and infants through subtle counseling/coercion/shame-based tactics which fail to acknowledge research-based outcomes regarding the life-long impact of adoption loss on all parties involved? Why are adoption "professionals" who make their living by transacting adoptions even permitted to provide "counseling" in the first place? Isn't that a blatant conflict of interest?

Why aren't adoption "professionals" who are caught red-handed in unethical practices indicted for child-trafficking, instead of given a "slap on the hand" and given a "get out of jail" card, by promoting political lobbies to state legislators willing to reduce child-trafficking charges so that they WON'T be held accountable through potential felony violations? Yet this is the story of American adoption. State by state.

I say that Melissa Christenson is no more "guilty" of adoption fraud than those "professionals" who participate in the billion-dollar industry of supply/demand-based, unregulated adoption "business" that already permeates our society. Something stinks.

http://www.rivertowns.net/daily/pch/c080828/

Pierce County woman indicted in adoption scheme
A federal grand jury in Madison has indicted a Maiden Rock woman on charges of wire fraud in connection with an adoption scheme.

According to the U.S. Attorney's office for western district of Wisconsin, Melissa Christensen, 31, has been charged in a 16-count indictment this week by a federal grand jury.

The indictment alleges that Christensen told several individuals that she was having a baby and wanted to put the child up for adoption. The indictment alleges that she never intended to provide a baby.

The indictment also alleges that Christensen received money from the victims for phone bills, travel, and other items.

According to the indictment, Christiansen contacted individuals in Texas, Arkansas, Virginia and Ohio about the adoption.

If convicted, Christensen faces a maximum penalty of 20 years in federal prison on each county.

The case was investigated by both the Pierce County Sheriff's Department and the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

August 23, 2008

"The Locator"



Why Troy Does What He Does
I never intended to spend my life reuniting families. It happened by chance (if there is such a thing) when I met a guy (I'll call him "Tom"), who had been adopted and was successful in locating his biological family. Having grown up watching my own mother search (unsuccessfully) for her own biological family, I asked Tom if he could help me help my mom. He agreed, so one Saturday morning, I gathered up everything my mother had ever accumulated in her search efforts and spread it out on a table for Tom to review. He and I worked through the material for five hours, making calls, sending faxes and suddenly...it was done. He slid a small scrap of paper across the table to me and said, "This is your mom's mother's phone number." My heart began to pound as I realized what was about to transpire.
I picked up the phone and called my mom to tell her I had found her mother. As I told her, I could hear her breathing get more rapid, and suddenly she began to weep. She wept in a way I've never heard her do in all my life. It moved me — it touched me at the center of my core.
At that moment, I turned to Tom and said, "There must be thousands, maybe millions of people who are desperately seeking a missing loved one!" At that instant, I knew what I would spend the rest of my life doing. Reuniting families became my life’s work that Saturday afternoon in 1990, and 18 years and more than 40,000 reunions later, I continue to be as excited about reuniting people as I was that very first time.
I believe I have one of the best jobs in the world — second only maybe to Santa Claus! As long as people continue to seek loved ones, I will be helping people find peace by finding their missing pieces.
— Troy Dunn

August 22, 2008

"Activism's NOT for sissies!"



In honor of an online friend and great woman who said, "activism's not for sissies!" and blogs over at "Family Preservation" Blogspot (www.familypreservation.blogspot.com ~ linked above) I'd like to re-post some of her favorite inspirational quotes here...

The problems we face will not be solved by the minds that created them ~ Albert Einstein

I would not waste my time on friction, when it could be turned into momentum. ~ Frances Willar

Rebels and dissidents challenge the complacent belief in a just world, and...they are usually denigrated for their efforts. While they are alive, they may be called "cantankerous", "crazy", "hysterical", "uppity", or "duped". Dead, some of them become saints and heroes, the sterling characters of history. It's a matter of proportion. One angry rebel is crazy, three is a conspiracy, fifty is a movement. ~ Carol Travis

The people are the only ones capable of transforming society. ~ Rigoberta Manchu

First they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. - Gandhi

All truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. ~ Schoepenhauer

Every great achievement was once considered impossible. ~ H.J. Brown

Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. ~ Voltaire

Be careful when you battle monsters lest you become one. - Nietzsche

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. ~ Bishop Desmond Tutu

All that the evil forces need to win the world is for good men to do nothing. ~ Edmund Burke

Too see right and not do it is want of courage. ~ Confucius

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed individuals can change the world. Indeed it's the only thing that ever has. ~ Margaret Mead

The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not deter us from support of a cause we believe to be just. ~ A. Lincoln

You cannot cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. ~ R. Tagore

I never gave them hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell. ~ H. Truman

Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for. ~ Chief Justice Earl Warren

Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope. ~ Robert F. Kennedy

When anyone steps out of the system and tells the truth, lives the truth, that person enables everyone else to peer behind the curtain too. ~ Walter Wink

The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future. ~ Oscar Wilde

I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something I can do. ~ Edward Everett Hale

No one knows what he can do till he tries. ~ Publilius Syrus

There is only one thing more powerful than all the armies of the world, that is an idea whose time has come. - Victor Hugo

If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back and get it right-side up again. And now that they are asking to do it the men better let them. ~ Sojourner Truth, 1851

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. ~ Dave Barry

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones. ~John Cage

You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete. ~ R. Buckminster Fuller

Use what talent you posses; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best. ~ Henry van Dyke

The world in which you were born is just one model of reality. Other cultures are not failed attempts at being you. They are unique manifestations of the human spirit. ~ Wade Davis

Speak your mind - even if your voice shakes. Well-aimed slingshots can topple giants. ~ Maggie Kuhn, Gray Panthers

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. ~ Oscar Wilde

And the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. - Anais Nin

Separate reeds are weak and easily broken but bound together they are strong and hard to tear apart. ~ The Midrash

Success is not to be measured by the position one has reached in life, rather by the obstacles overcome while trying to succeed. ~ Booker T. Washington

You can look at a scar and see hurt, or you can look at a scar and see healing.Y ~ Sheri Reynol, "A Gracious Plenty"

How simple a thing it seems to me that to know ourselves as we are, we must know our mothers' names. — Alice Walker

When a mother is forced to choose between the child and the culture, there is something abhorrently cruel and unconsidered about that culture. A culture that requires harm to one's soul in order to follow the culture's proscriptions is a very sick culture indeed. ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes "Women Who Run With Wolves"

In life, pain and suffering are inevitable; however, being miserable is optional. Anon.

The greater the loyalty of a group toward the group, the greater is the motivation among the members to achieve the goals of the group, and the greater the probability that the group will achieve its goals. ~ Rensis Likert

Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion. ~ Hebbel

In modern society we are seeing that its just not enough to have truth on your side. You need to let people know about it. ~ Nick Matzke

Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage: anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they don’t remain the way they are. ~ St. Augustine

Celebrity Adoptees

Hollywood License Plate
© Photographer: Nruboc | Agency: Dreamstime.com







~ watch at your own risk ~

Scary Movie Night
© Photographer: Mathieuviennet | Agency: Dreamstime.com
Because I am not the most computer proficient blogger around, I just wanted to post the email addresses (links) for some great adoption-related videos on YouTube. You may have to copy/paste the addresses into your web browser to be able to view them, but I hope you enjoy them as much as I have. The music, pictures, and messages are worth the watch! Hope everyone is having a wonderful week!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UknFCgunhV8 ~ "Unlocking the Heart"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVnKs ~ Adoption Truth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXl_EmCi-RU ~ Lost & Found

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvO75R-QrqA ~ Bitter Winds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNFVUlJ2YBU ~ Letter from an Adoptee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaD-cR3mIdw ~ Letter to a First Mom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrQOWhNnRlk ~ Reunion

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amoGJUyU7iQ ~ Child I Cannot Claim

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OX7aZm2ZVhI ~ Find Your Wings

August 19, 2008

Dust Bunnies

Cleaning housewife
© Photographer: Patrick | Agency: Dreamstime.com
How true!!!! lol I have to admit, this joke is ME! And almost 20 years later, I have to think real hard to remember that "romance" part, too...lol

You might as well laugh, to keep from crying! Right?!?! Please tell me I'm right...

"After the Honeymoon"

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like Dust, Wash, Iron, and Cook..."

-----------------

Laugh a lot! It delights your friends and confounds your enemies!

August 18, 2008

The Mayonnaise Jar

Girl inside jar
© Photographer: Davidedutto | Agency: Dreamstime.com
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 Hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. T he pebble es rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full..

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and Favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
So... Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play With your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
'Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. '

One of the students raised her hand and inquire d what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked'.It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of
cups of coffee with a friend.'

And NOW For YOUR Viewing Pleasure...

Clowns 3
© Photographer: Lastdays1 | Agency: Dreamstime.com
The 1st Annual Hollywood "Adoption Circus" Parade...






"I always wanted my own 'rainbow coalition'" ~ Steven Speilberg



And last, but certainly not least ~ The sexy Dad we ALL LOVE who "went on to have his 'own'"...

Emmy-Award Winning Actor Discovers He Has a Son



http://www.usmagazine.com/emmy-award-winning-actor-discovers-he-has-a-son

EXCLUSIVE: Emmy Award-Winning Actor Discovers He Has a Son
THURSDAY AUGUST 14, 2008
December 18, 2006

Actor turned turned radio personality Jay Thomas (who nabbed two Emmys
for his role on '90s sitcom Murphy Brown) has discovered he has an
illegitimate son.
Thomas' son, John Harding "JT," who is the frontman for the band JTX,
found his father after years of searching.

"I was told by my adoptive parents, 'I joined them as a family member
as an infant and my biological dad was 'different' and not like the
rest of us," Harding tellsUsmagazine. com. "Those remarks often caused
me to fantasize and wonder about just me who my birth dad really
was... A monster? A member of the traveling circus?"
See celebrities that have adopted.

At 17, Harding, left his home in Detroit, Michigan, to look for his
biological dad while pursuing a music career in Hollywood, CA, where
he'd frequently see Thomas' face on advertisements. Finally, Harding
connected with his birth mother who revealed who his father was.
Harding's reaction?
"He was the guy on the billboards!" Harding tells Us.

Harding, 28, and Thomas, 60, met for a Fat Burger and immediately
bonded.
“It was like meeting myself 30 years ago," Thomas tellsUsmagazine. com.
"He’s got a different talent but same drive and passion and certainly
the same sense of humor."
Thomas jokes, "Obviously if I knew he was going to be this successful
I would have kept him!"


Thomas, host of the Jay Thomas Show on Sirius Radio, famously played
hockey player Eddie Lebec, who made Carla a widow on Cheers when he
was killed by a Zamboni machine.
Thomas and his wife Sally Michelson are parents to sons Sam, 17, and
Jake, 15.

Following in his pop’s footstep’s, Harding's career is taking off.
Listen to Harding’s first single, "(I'm Gonna) Party Like a Rock Star."
"I've got two families to cheer me on to help me achieve my musical
dream! Harding gushes.
Thomas and Harding will share their story on Howard Stern's "Howard
101" on Sirius Radio, on August 15.

August 15, 2008

Nancy Verrier Interview Pt 1



I got to meet Nancy Verrier (author of "The Primal Wound"), at an AAC conference a few years ago. She was so approachable and truly caring. I so appreciated the chance to talk with her briefly, and have her autograph my copy of her latest book, "Coming Home to Self." As an adult adoptee, it is like inhaling a breath of fresh air, or a cool drink of water to finally find an author who truly "gets it" and who validates and defends the feelings of adoptees (deep inside). It makes us feel like we can finally "come out of hiding" emotionally and really experience and accept the "hidden" part of who we are.

This was the 1st and only conference I have attended, and truly, I was blown away by the validation, the friendship, and the embrace I received, by so many. The last night of the conference was fun, because they had a big dance in the hotel ballroom. After several days of intense workshops and healing, it was great just to relax with some great tunes and have fun with my new friends. Friends who you don't have to "explain" anything to, because they already "know". The only dance I was brave enough to join in on was the "YMCA" ~ it was great looking over and seeing Nancy Verrier (my hero author ~ lol) dancing just a few friends over from me! I'd recommend AAC Conferences (along with the many other great conferences being held nowdays) to everyone "touched" by adoption. And their website has some excellent articles and up to date information about the work towards "adoptee access" legislation, as well. www.AmericanAdoptionCongress.org

OUT OF THE FOG

How I Lost Austin

This is a beautiful video from a First Mom...

"Puppy Size"

The girl with the puppy
© Photographer: Ulf | Agency: Dreamstime.com

~ Puppy Size ~

'Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this,' the mother told the volunteer.

'What is it she keeps asking for?' the volunteer asked. 'Puppy size!' replied the mother.

'Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for.'

'I know...we have seen most of them,' the mom said in frustration. ..

Just then Danielle came walking into the office

'Well, did you find one?' asked her mom. 'No, not this time,' Danielle said with sadness in her voice. 'Can we come back on the weekend?'

The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed. 'You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply,' the volunteer said.

Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. 'Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend,' she said.

Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversations with her.

They both felt she was being too particular. 'It's this weekend or we're not looking any more,' Dad finally said in frustration.

'We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size either,' Mom added.

Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.

Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted.

Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one, the dogs were brought out and she held each one.

One by one she said, 'Sorry, you're not the one.'

It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup.

The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.

'Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!' she screamed with joy. 'It's the puppy size!'

'But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks,' Mom said.



'No not size... the sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed,' she said.


'Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!'

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.

'Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the
right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms,' she said.

Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, 'Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!'

Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day.

They are the sighs of God! Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear.

'Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.'
May each of you feel and hear the sighs of God...

August 14, 2008

Rainbow over forest
© Photographer: Dmitryp | Agency: Dreamstime.com
Ten Guidelines from God
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

1. QUIT WORRYING:
> Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry.
> Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens
> and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over
> every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
> Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list.
> No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the
> one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until
> you turn it over to Me. And although My to-do-list is
> long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you
> put into my hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really
> known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you
> never even realize.

3. TRUST ME:
> Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to
> take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take
> care of all your needs, your problems and your trials.
> Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with
> finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional
> roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to
> help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
> Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm
> feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from
> here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now?
> It's simple.You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking
> care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my
> peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems
> back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them
> with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME:
> I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was
> making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because
> you know I'm in control. But there's one thing I
> pray you never forget. Please, don't forget to talk to
> Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want
> you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I
> want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer
> is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be
> your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:
> I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see
> from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what
> I'm doing. Trust Me; you wouldn't want the view from
> My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you,
> and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I
> have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so
> much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust
> be?

7. SHARE:
> You were taught to share when you were only two years old.
> When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with
> those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with
> those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those
> who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your
> tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your
> faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:
> I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have
> so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an
> adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many
> trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people,
> and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then
> when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle
> something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My
> timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire
> universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always
> rush, rush, rush...

9. BE KIND:
> Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love
> you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live
> the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to
> get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in
> some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical.
> Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF
> As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You
> were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and
> to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your
> neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache
> when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong.
> You are very precious to me.

Don't ever forget......
> Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of
> arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
> rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally
> worn out, and loudly proclaiming

WOW-- What a Ride!"

August 12, 2008

Pair Meet & Wonder



Pair meet and wonder: Could we be twins?

James Face and Gloria Becerra both have dark wavy hair, bad vision and the same way of fiddling with their fingers when they are stressed.

"She does it exactly like me," Face said.

They also have something else in common. Both were abandoned as babies on the same day in 1968 in nearby Central Valley towns.

Now they wonder if they have a connection deeper than their similar birth stories.

Becerra was abandoned on a lonely road in Oakdale. Face was found hours later in a Manteca parking lot 25 miles away, covered in ant bites.

At the time, no one made any connection between the two; no one wondered if they could be related even though the story of the two abandoned infants made the front pages of local newspapers.

They were adopted by separate families. Face grew up in West Sacramento and now works for Kaiser Permanente. Becerra was raised in Roseville and manages two medical practices in the Sacramento area.

Three weeks ago, they met for the first time – and there was an immediate connection, as if they had known each other for years.

Since then, they keep returning to the same question: What are the odds of two women giving birth and abandoning their babies on the same day?

"That's what we keep asking ourselves: What are the odds?" said Face. The two sit side by side on the living room couch in Face's West Sacramento home. "And we realize that the chances of that happening are pretty high."


An e-mail changes everything

Face had heard the story of his abandonment many times. Growing up, it had been difficult to deal with. He got into fights. He was suspended from school. He went through what he calls a "wild phase."

Face never knew another baby had been abandoned that day. Neither did his adoptive parents.

He first learned about the other baby a few weeks go. Vicki Craddock, his girlfriend, called to say a woman was looking for him on Craigslist. A couple of days later, there was a second posting, which Craddock answered.

She messaged: "Why do you want to see James?"

The e-mail reply stunned her: "I think I might be his sister."

Becerra always knew the story of her birth. She grew up in a loving family, "the best you can imagine," she said. Becerra had no intention of looking for her birth mother until she was asked about her medical history during her last pregnancy.

"That was the biggest reason, for my children," said Becerra, a mother of three. Knowing when and where she had been abandoned, she began to research her birth. Her work eventually led to an Oct. 2, 1968, article about two abandoned babies in the newspaper then called the Modesto Bee and News-Herald.

"I decided I had to look for the other baby," said Becerra.

With the help of online adoption resources, she learned about James Face. She wanted to contact him but agonized before posting it online. "What if he didn't even know he was adopted?" she worried.


Their first meeting

The two met with their families at a Roseville park and later went for pizza. They talked for seven hours. Both are single parents (Face has four children). They both have astigmatism. They have the same infectious laugh and quick tempers. What are the odds?

When it was time to go, they didn't want to leave each other. The two discussed getting a DNA test – and may still have one. But they say they believe there is a such a strong bond that they have to be twins.

Friends and family have welcomed the two into their lives. Becerra's adoptive father cried when he first met Face, and her mother calls him "mijo," Spanish for "my son." Both Face and Becerra's parents said they would have adopted the other if they had known.

Face's loved ones think of Becerra as his sister.

"He is so happy. I have never seen him this way, and for that reason I love her," said Craddock. "I hope for their sake they are related, but it doesn't matter because they share this wonderful connection."

Becerra's cousin, Yvonne McLain, said the family has welcomed Face and "it is what it is. I would think it was a really strange coincidence if they weren't related."

Neither Face nor Becerra expressed an interest in looking for their birth mother. "What would I say to a woman who left me to die?" said Face.


Mystery went unsolved

The Manteca police investigated the case in 1968, but those records are no longer available, said Rex Osborn, a department spokesman.

Forty years ago, Manteca was a small town, notes Osborn. He wonders if the birth mother may have been traveling through the area. If someone from there was pregnant one day and not the next, "it would have been the talk of the town," he said.

Osborn said it's unlikely there were two birth mothers.

"I've been at this 28 years and I've never heard of two women having children and abandoning them on the same day in such a small area," the police spokesman said.

Face and Becerra say meeting their birth mother would have been too emotionally trying. Right now, they are still learning about each other.

Last week, Becerra visited Face's West Sacramento home for the first time. When she arrived, she teased him about the directions. He scolded her for not calling over the weekend.

Later, he asked if it was OK if he called her "my sister."

"But only if you're all right with it," he quickly added.

Becerra teared up and nodded. "It's OK."

Face said later he is not a spiritual man. He has not been to church for years. But now that he's met Becerra, he's having a change of heart.

"I have to believe that someone brought us together, right?" asked Face. "I feel so lucky."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Search for One's Roots



The search for one's roots
TheSpec.com - Opinions - The search for one's roots
New Ontario law gives adoptees the right to information about their past

Paul Zadvorny
The Hamilton Spectator

(Aug 11, 2008)
For weeks at a time, I have sat in Hamilton's Central Library, searching for my resemblance in the black and white pages of old yearbooks. My eyes have tirelessly scanned hundreds of headshots, looking for a girl I imagine has red hair, blue eyes and a smile like my own.

I know my birth mother's face is there, and until new Ontario law comes into effect, Hamilton's Class of '78 is my only hope of solving the riddle of my identity.

Searching for people and information held in sealed adoption records has been a notoriously difficult endeavour for birth parents and for adoptees in Ontario. I am but one of thousands of people throughout the province who have had to endure the indignity of being denied the right to know where we came from.

Last fall we won and lost the chance to know our past when the government passed the Adoption Information Disclosure Act, only to have it immediately stuck down by the courts. The government has now introduced new legislation that corrects its past failure and may finally provide answers, and perhaps closure, to thousands of adoptees like myself.

It's a bizarre sensation knowing that for a short time early in my life, I was someone else. In the few days that I spent with my birth mother, she named me Christopher Paul 'D.' Thanks to the current law, the Catholic Children's Aid can tell me little else about my background. I know my mother's family came to Hamilton from Scotland. They were Catholic, upper-middle class with three children, my mother the eldest. She was 16 and heading into Grade 11 when I was born in September 1976. I know even less about my father -- he was 17 and born to a German family -- and I'm unsure he even knows I exist.

When I was 10 days old, I became Paul Gregory Zadvorny, son to parents every child should have. My parents never hid the fact that I was adopted, and they have always been supportive of my search for my birth mother. But as a kid, and even now, I've hesitated to discuss my adoption with them. I fear that I might upset my mum, or make her feel as though she has somehow become secondary. Consequently, much of what I have done in regard to my search has been on my own -- which at times makes things emotionally difficult.

At an early age, my longing for information was sporadic -- often triggered by family functions and uneasy feelings of not belonging. As a teen I recall curiously digging through my dad's filing cabinets, in search of something, anything, to satisfy my need to know. Finally, lingering amid old receipts and tax forms, I discovered my adoption papers. I remember crying when I read Christopher Paul D. -- it seemed to finally make my adoption real. Still, my discovery gave me a clue and a sliver of hope that one day my search might end, that I would finally find my roots.

With a starting point, I began to explore my options -- immediately finding that they were limited. I requested non-identifying information (where all of the aforementioned details of my former life originated), and added my name to the Adoption Disclosure Registry. After years of waiting for a response, I hit a brick wall. I had exhausted the only active search option provided to adoptees in Ontario.

It became an onerous waiting game. The registry is a list consisting of tens of thousands of adoptees in search of their past, weighted against three provincial employees conducting the searches. A veritable needle in a haystack. Something had to be done.

In April 2005, Community Services Minister Sandra Pupatello introduced a bill that promised to finally give adoptees in this province the right to finally know where they came from. I was ecstatic, and celebrated a moment that I and many others had anticipated for some time. If passed, Bill 187 would allow adoptees over 18 and birth parents to get information that had been sealed, such as birth certificates and adoption orders that would inevitably reveal identities.

Included in the bill was a "contact veto," which was similar to a restraining order where a concerned party could request not to be contacted by his or her birth relative. However, the bill did not have a universal "disclosure veto" provision that would allow a party to stipulate that his or her identifying information not be released.

The bill seemed to address both the wishes of the adoptee and birth parent, and was readily supported by the numerous children's agencies and adoption groups. It would also have brought Ontario in line with Alberta, Newfoundland and British Columbia, the only three provinces to have open adoption records.

In September 2007, the bill was passed. I took comfort that the answers I sought would soon be available. Two days later, Mr. Justice Edward Belobaba of the Ontario Supreme Court struck down the law. The act, he ruled, breached the privacy provisions granted by the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. In an instant, the hopes and efforts of many were simultaneously quashed.

Revised legislation was introduced by the provincial government and became law in May. Its one critical amendment allows either party to apply for a disclosure veto to prevent the release of the adoption records if the adoption was finalized before this Sept. 1.

Adult adoptees and birth parents will be able to apply for copies of original birth registrations and adoption orders starting in June 2009. Disclosure vetoes, by either party, will be accepted by the province starting in September.

I am cautious about getting my hopes up once again, so in the meantime I will continue to scan through yearbooks and make phone calls to strangers hoping to solve my personal mystery.

There seems to be an unspoken bond between mother and child. It is an experience that most people take for granted, and one that I arduously work to attain. It exists between my children and my wife, and between my brother (who's not adopted) and my adoptive mother. The optimistic outcome of my search would be to one day experience that bond.

However, with every idyllic foreshadowing of how my search may end, I have obviously had to consider the contrary. I cannot begin to imagine the emotions and circumstances that my mother faced, and thus have had to empathetically consider things from her perspective. And as difficult as it may be if she chose to remain anonymous, I would respect and accept her decisions.

Still, I continue to hold onto hope that one day my search will come to an end.

It is impossible to predict the results of my efforts, so I have had to prepare myself for whatever the outcome may be -- a harsh reality, softened by the fulfilment of having tried.

Paul Zadvorny lives in Hamilton. zadvorny@hotmail.com

Adopted 90 Year-Old's Family Hunt



Adopted 90-year-old's family hunt
A 90-year-old woman who was born in Cardiff but adopted when only three-months-old is trying to trace Welsh relatives and a picture of her parents.

Rosamond Mary Hope, who now lives in Stockton-on-Tees, County Durham, was given away soon after being born on 28 June 1918 but has no idea why.

Mrs Hope had kept her adoption secret from her late husband William and their 14 children until recent ill health.

Her biological parents were called John and Beatrice Jones.

Mrs Hope, who was formerly known as Rosamond Mary Campbell Jones, was taken out of Wales by her adoptive parents Jessie and Edith Bundy while she was still a child.

They told her she was adopted at the age of four but would not explain why or how because it was not "her business".


When she was ill earlier in the year it was utmost in her mind
Elaine Hope

"I was told I had been given away and that was that," said Mrs Hope.

Her adoptive father Mr Bundy worked on farms and moved his family to different locations in Gloucestershire, Worcester before they settled in Leamington Spa, Warwickshire.

She then moved north to Stockton-on-Tees during the war with her husband William who was from that area.

One of her 18 grandchildren, Elaine Hope said Mrs Hope told her family earlier this year about her family history and that she wanted to find out if she still had Welsh relatives.

"She has a fantastic memory," said Ms Hope. "We are a very close family so we wanted to help her. She would love to see a photo of them.

"When she was ill earlier in the year it was utmost in her mind."

Mrs Hope's adoptive parents left no documentation in relation to the adoption and all she has is her birth certificate which states the names of her biological parents.

Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/uk_news/wales/north_east/7549934.stm

Published: 2008/08/11 05:55:16 GMT

In Adoptee's Search for Roots, Loss & Gain Collide



August 11, 2008
In Adoptee’s Search for Roots, Loss and Gain Collide
By SARAH KERSHAW

GALWAY, N.Y. — The phone rang on a Wednesday evening in February, and the voice sounded to Doris A. Weiland like a ghost, like her son, Michael. Or perhaps like what Michael might have sounded like had he lived to turn 50.

The man on the line said he was Michael’s twin. The boys had apparently been separated at birth, and they were adopted by different families.

The man, Mark Cellura, during a search for his birth mother, learned six months ago, at the age of 50, that he had a twin.

The twin was Michael, Mrs. Weiland’s adopted son, who died 21 years ago of AIDS at the age of 29.

Mr. Cellura, raised by a typographer and a waitress in Buffalo, started searching old newspapers in the local library at age 11 for clues about his birth family, and set out more seriously to find his mother nine years ago.

But along the way, he found Mrs. Weiland. Their first phone conversation lasted two hours, the next one three hours, the next four. Soon, after she told him to stop calling her “ma’am,” he was calling her “Mama D.”

They met for the first time in June. He traveled to her farmhouse here in upstate New York and slept in his dead twin’s bedroom.

“I feel like my son’s been resurrected,” Mrs. Weiland, 73, a retired legal secretary, said the day after she met him. “I wanted Michael back. Then Mark blows in the doorway.”

She said she believed that the twins were identical, but Mr. Cellura is still trying to determine if that is true.

Mr. Cellura, a former vice president of Merrill Lynch who is single and has no children, said he had always felt “like an arm or a leg was missing.” Finding out he had a twin, he said, gave him a sense of completeness after a life of feeling frustrated and adrift.

Over and over after he found out he had a twin, he imagined their initial meeting: Michael would come visit him in Chesterfield, N.J., and stay in the room with the gold-painted walls; they would travel together to Europe; and they would dress alike and trick people into thinking one was the other.

“Where have you been?” Mark would ask.

“Where have you been?” his brother would ask.

“Looking for you,” Mark would answer.

In the course of six weeks, Mr. Cellura had found and then lost a brother. It was, he said, like riding a roller coaster: excitement, sadness, hope, longing.

Mr. Cellura is among a growing number of baby boomers who were adopted when the process was veiled in secrecy and are now hiring professional genealogists and harnessing the Internet to track down their birth families. Their quest to find their roots has fueled a thriving business in searchers, like the one Mr. Cellura hired after seeing her Web site, and driven a national debate over whether to open adoption records without birth parents’ permission.

Eight states allow adoptees access to their birth records, and legislation to do so is pending in five more, including New York and New Jersey. But critics say such transparency violates the privacy of birth mothers who may not want to be in touch with the offspring they gave up.

For people like Mr. Cellura, the yearning for a lost twin is particularly powerful, psychologists say.

“It opened up a wonderful new world of possibility for him,” Nancy L. Segal, a psychologist who runs the Twin Studies Center at California State University, Fullerton, said of Mr. Cellura’s search. “It’s one of the most exciting discoveries an adoptee can have. This changes his whole conception of himself, to think, ‘There is another one like me.’ ”

A Lifetime of Frustration

After a lifetime of wondering, Mr. Cellura, whose father died 10 years ago and whose 89-year-old mother has dementia, began contacting New York State in 1999 seeking his birth records. He signed up with New York’s Adoption Information Registry, created in 1983 to connect adoptees and birth parents if both parties are interested. He heard nothing. He also made a separate application for information about biological siblings, but heard nothing.

“I was always frustrated with not knowing more information,” Mr. Cellura said. “I would always say to my parents, ‘This is all we know?’ It was not about being unhappy with my family so I was going to find another one; it was about wanting to know my history.”

After writing in 2000 to the State Health Department, which maintains the sibling registry, he received a sheet of paper known as the “non-identifying information report.” It said that his birth mother was 18 when she had him and was Roman Catholic, that the pregnancy was normal, that he weighed 5 pounds 3 ounces, and that two other babies were born to her before him.

It was not until Mr. Cellura hired a genealogist in New Jersey, Pam Slaton, that he made real progress. Ms. Slaton quickly tracked down Mr. Cellura’s birth mother and, through talking to a neighbor of the birth mother, learned in January of the existence of the twin.

Ms. Slaton wrote to Mr. Cellura’s birth mother but she did not respond, and Mr. Cellura said he did not want to pursue her further.

At that point, they began a frantic search for Michael.

Ms. Slaton dug through records across the country, networked with other genealogists and called the parents of men named Michael who were born in New York on Mr. Cellura’s birthday, Jan. 14. At one point, Mr. Cellura, who was arriving at his offices across the street from the World Trade Center on the morning of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, looked on the Internet at all the photographs of the people who had been killed. He saw one man who looked like himself, but hesitated to call his family.

In February, Ms. Slaton found Michael: in the Social Security death index. The news could have marked the sad end of a long journey for Mr. Cellura. But it was, in a way, the beginning.

He learned that Michael J. Weise had been adopted by a family living in a small town in upstate New York, near Saratoga Springs.

He wanted to find out who his twin was, and in the process, he said, he would learn who he was, too.

Over the last few months, he talked regularly with Mrs. Weiland, whose second husband, Dick, is a retired state trooper.

“I think Mark needs a mother and I’m it,” Mrs. Weiland said. Later, she added, “There was a song Michael used to sing called ‘Somewhere Down the Road,’ by Barry Manilow. He used to sing it to me and send me tapes. I said to Mark, ‘That’s what’s happening. Somewhere down the road, there you are, you’ve appeared.’ ”

Mr. Cellura also quickly developed a close relationship with Michael’s sister, Mary Kay Groesbeck, 45, who told him, “You didn’t get Michael but you got the rest of us.”

Like Mrs. Weiland, Ms. Groesbeck said that she felt like she had Michael back, or some older version of him, or even a different brother she felt like she had always known.

Mr. Cellura, who retired this year after taking a buyout package from Merrill Lynch, spent long hours questioning the family about Michael — what was his favorite vegetable, his favorite color, who were his friends?

Mrs. Weiland liked that Mark seemed so responsible, that he had saved enough money in 28 years working for Merrill Lynch that he could retire at 50. Michael, an artist, had struggled with drug addiction.

“Mark could have saved Michael,” she said. “He could have seen the road he was taking and stopped him.”

Mr. Cellura, who likes to say now that he was “from the nerdy side of the womb,” said, “I could have grounded him and he could have lifted me up.”

Mrs. Weiland told him that one day, when he was 17, Michael came home and declared that from then on he wanted to be called Max, and he signed some of his paintings as Max. Mr. Cellura said he was shocked because when he was 18, he told his friends the name Mark was boring and that he wanted to be known as Max from that point on.

Ms. Slaton, an adoptee herself who has conducted thousands of other searches, said she was moved by the relationship between Mr. Cellura and Mrs. Weiland.

“He’s giving her a gift; she’s giving him a gift,” she said. “It gives him some kind of peace. He understands now what that void was about, that makes sense to him now.”

Fantasies and Ghosts

The search for birth relatives stems from the desire to replace fantasy with reality, some psychologists and people who are adopted say. Wendy Freund, a Manhattan therapist who specializes in adoption issues, says such a search can end the “ghost-fantasy life” that runs parallel to adoptees’ existence.

In this case the ghosts and fantasies have not been totally put to rest. Mr. Cellura now has a new fantasy built around the ghost of his brother, while Mrs. Weiland sees in Mr. Cellura a ghost coming back to life, creating new fantasies of the person she wished her son had become.

“It seems somewhat dangerous all around,” said Ms. Freund, who sometimes works with Ms. Slaton’s clients when they have found their birth relatives. “For the mother, it’s a constant reminder of her loss. And it puts a tremendous burden on the surviving twin to sort of repair this other family that’s so hurt and in so much pain.”

Mrs. Weiland said that she knew her son was a twin, but was told that his brother was not available for adoption. Michael knew, too, but he didn’t show an interest in searching for him, she said.

Mr. Cellura, who has a binder filled with notes on his search (“6/6/2008: Went to social services; original form mailed to Albany 11/17/1999; mother surrendered 8/7/1959”) is working on a timeline of his and his brother’s lives.

They were placed in foster care at birth and adopted at age 3; Mr. Cellura is trying to determine if they were together until then.

He has already spent about $10,000 on his search, and Ms. Slaton, who charges $2,500 per search, is still working to track down his birth father and the other sibling, a sister, who was listed in the state report. He is also trying to determine who made the decision to separate the twins, which is now considered unusual and harmful.

With the help of Michael’s sister — an adoptee who last year tracked down her own birth mother and half-sister and began relationships with them — he is trying to locate and meet people who knew his brother.

A Second Funeral

After months of getting to know Michael’s family by phone, Mr. Cellura made a request: Could they plan a funeral Mass for his dead twin, since he had missed the first one? They agreed, saying they felt he should have a chance to mourn his brother.

On a Saturday in June, Mr. Cellura made the four-hour drive to the Weilands’ house here in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains. He spent a night in what had been Michael’s room, and, over dinner, introduced his own family to his twin’s sister, cousins and nephews. He spent hours with Mrs. Weiland, showing her his high school yearbooks, home movies and childhood photographs.

By their second day together, Mrs. Weiland was already teasing Mr. Cellura about how often he digresses. At one point, she slapped him on the wrist and said, “You’re like a tornado.”

On the morning of the funeral Mass, Mr. Cellura wore a black suit and sunglasses, rosary beads wrapped around his wrist. Mrs. Weiland hugged him and said, “You look nice, Mark.”

His adoptive sister, Rosemary, and her two sons, were there, and he pointed to a picture of Michael on the wall and told his nephews, “Kids, this is your Uncle Mike.”

Mr. Cellura had sent five flower arrangements to the small Catholic church: lilies, carnations and daisies. At the altar, he placed three of his brother’s artworks, including a self-portrait that portrays three identical faces forming one person. Mr. Cellura calls it his brother’s “picture of us.”

The organist asked whether he should play “Amazing Grace” or “On Eagles’ Wings.” Mrs. Weiland and Mr. Cellura looked at each other.

“Mama D?” he asked, touching her arm.

She said it didn’t matter; she would cry either way. They sat in different pews because they said if they sat together they would fall apart.

Mr. Cellura, alone in the front row, wept through most of the service. At the end he got up to speak and said, “My brother has been called home to be with the Lord.”

He also said that he was thankful “for the opportunity to have new family and new friends.”

When it was over, the families drove to the graveyard where Michael’s ashes were buried, and Mr. Cellura saw the grave for the first time. “That’s my big brother,” he said. (Michael was born a few minutes before him.)

Mrs. Weiland held a plastic bowl of water for the consecration, and Mr. Cellura handed everyone a red carnation, plucked from the arrangements at the church, telling them that he now knew that Michael’s favorite color was red.

He held three carnations, kneeled over the gravestone, crossed himself, kissed the stone and laid down the flowers.

After the funeral, the families went to lunch, and then Mr. Cellura went back to Mrs. Weiland’s house.

She teased him and said, “So Mark, how many more weeks are you going to be here?”

He asked if he could stay a few more days.

“I’ll be like gum on your shoes!” he said.

She told him to stay.

August 10, 2008

Return to Sender

Return to sender
© Photographer: Dxfoto.com | Agency: Dreamstime.com
http://www.altlaw.org/v1/cases/1088538

Here's a LONG Federal Supreme Court judgement regarding a family who SUED an adoption "entity" for fraud, after the child they adopted was found to NOT be the age they originally were told...therefore, they SENT HER BACK, for "re-adoption" (whatever that means)...they lost their case. But this is just a prime example of unregulated, mish-mash adoption laws in America which completely FAIL to protect the children involved...

In January 1995, the Regensburgers engaged the services of CAC. The Regensburgers explained that they wished to adopt a healthy two to two and a half year old from China. The Regensburgers had lost their second child to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and they were hoping to adopt a child who would be approximately the same age as their second child would have been. At that time Kenneth Lubowich advised the Regensburgers about the services CAC would provide and the steps necessary to complete an adoption of a child from China. Lubowich made certain oral representations to the Regensburgers. He assured the Regensburgers that he had special expertise with Chinese adoptions, that they would get the child they wanted, and that he had connections with the Director of the China Adoption Center ("the Center"). The Regensburgers relied on these representations.

In September 1995, the Center forwarded a referral of a three year old girl, Yang Chun Hua ("Yang") for potential adoption by the Regensburgers. The referral consisted of a medical report and a picture of the child. Lubowich forwarded these documents, along with a formal Consulting Agreement ("Agreement") to the Regensburgers.

Lubowich advised the Regensburgers that they had the right to refuse the referral, but that if they did so, he was unsure when the next child would become available. The Regensburgers accepted the referral and signed the Agreement with CAC.

On September 11, 1995, the Regensburgers used CAC's travel services to arrange a trip to China. On September 14, 1995, the Regensburgers went to China to adopt Yang. While they were in China, Lubowich's agent assisted the Regensburgers. The Regensburgers met Yang, and on September 20, 1995, they made a videotape of the orphanage director verifying Yang's birth date. On September 25, 1995, the Regensburgers called the orphanage to again confirm Yang's birth date. At any time, the Regensburgers could have refused the referral, but instead they formally adopted Yang. On September 28, 1995, the Regensburgers returned to the United States with their newly adopted daughter.

Between September and November 1995, the Regensburgers wrote and called many friends and colleagues, including Lubowich, to express their happiness with their adopted daughter. However, in November 1995, after taking Yang to several doctors, the Regensburgers learned that she was not three years old but was in fact between six and eight years old and mentally and physically delayed. The Regensburgers placed Yang for readoption in February 1996.II. ANALYSIS

CAC and the Lubowiches argue that they did not breach the terms of the Agreement because the Regensburgers, according to the terms of the Agreement, assumed the risk and waived liability for damages arising out of the adoption. The relevant contractual provisions read as follows:

[The Regensburgers] acknowledge and understand that there will be limited information or no information available concerning a child's history and Consultant makes no representations with regard to the accuracy of any information contained in the files of children identified by Chinese authorities; accordingly, the [Regensburgers] will decide the selection of their child based on limited information and [the Regensburgers] assume[ ] all risks attendant to proceeding on this basis.

[The Regensburgers] agree and acknowledge that the adoption process is subject to great risk considering the human and emotional and subjective factors which are present, and there can be no assurances of any kind, nature, or description concerning the outcome of an adoption, including, but not limited to, the child's health, intelligence, or other attributes which would be critical to [the Regensburgers].

In view of the aforesaid considerations, [the Regensburgers] hereby voluntarily, irrevocably and unconditionally release and forever discharge Consultant, its officers, directors, agents and associates from any and all claims, demands, causes of action, damages, judgments, decrees, costs, attorneys' fees, expenses or other liability arising directly or indirectly out of any alleged or actual breach of the representations, covenants and obligations of Consultant, its officers, directors, agents and associates as set forth in this Agreement or arising out of the relationship between Consultant and: (i) [the Regensburgers]; (ii) Agency; (iii) [the Regensburgers] and Agency.

The Regensburgers' arguments that the Agreement is void are similarly unavailing. First they argue that the Agreement is illusory. We take this to mean that CAC's promise of performance was illusory, and therefore the Agreement is void. An illusory promise is not sufficient consideration to support a contract.

"An illusory promise appears to be a promise, but on closer examination reveals that the promisor has not promised to do anything.... An illusory promise is also defined as one in which the performance is optional."

We find no illusory promises in the Agreement between CAC and the Regensburgers.

Next the Regensburgers argue that they were fraudulently induced to sign the Agreement by Lubowich's assertions that they would receive the child they wanted. Fraudulent inducement may invalidate a contract.

"In order to constitute fraud in the inducement, the defendant must have made a false representation of a material fact knowing or believing it to be false and doing it for the purpose of inducing the plaintiff to act. The plaintiff must also show his reasonable belief in and reliance on the statement to his detriment."

The Regensburgers fail under this burden. A party who could have discovered the fraud by reading the contract, and in fact had an opportunity to do so, cannot later be heard to complain that the contractual terms bind her.

One is under a duty to learn, or know, the contents of a written contract before he signs it, and is under a duty to determine the obligations which he undertakes by the execution of a written agreement.... And the law is that a party who signs an instrument relying upon representations as to its contents when he has had an opportunity to ascertain the truth by reading the instrument and has not availed himself of the opportunity, cannot be heard to say that he was deceived by misrepresentations.

The Regensburgers' final attempt to avoid the contractual language is to allege that the Agreement violates the Adoption Act. The Adoption Act provides:

No person and no agency ... except a child welfare agency as defined by the Child Care Act of 1969, as now or hereafter amended ... shall request, receive or accept any compensation or thing of value, directly or indirectly, for placing out of a child.

We find no evidence that CAC was engaged in "placing out" children. The Agreement specifically states that CAC is not a placement or adoption agency, and even requires the prospective parents to engage the services of an adoption agency. The Adoption Act was meant to "prevent profiteering in the placement of children and to eliminate so-called 'baby markets' and 'baby brokers.' "

CAC offers support and travel services for persons wishing to adopt children from China, but CAC does not act as the adoption agency for those children. While it is true that Schwartz states that "[a]ll others [than child welfare agencies] are prohibited from acting as paid intermediaries in the adoption process," the kind of service CAC provided does not fall within this meaning of "paid intermediary."

Based on the Schwartz court's interpretation of legislative intent, the Illinois legislature was targeting "baby brokers"--those persons who would claim they could secure a child from a family, or that they could find adoptive parents for a child, for a cost. Clearly that is not the kind of service CAC provided.

The Regensburgers paid only $500 for CAC's consulting services. The remainder of the monies paid to CAC was for travel arrangements and travel expenses; they paid no money for placement. This is a far cry from the "baby brokering" the Act was intended to target. The Agreement, therefore, does not violate the Adoption Act.

The Regensburgers' attempts to extricate themselves from the contractual language are unpersuasive. Thus the contractual provisions govern, and the Regensburgers cannot succeed on a claim for breach of contract.

We have held that the contractual provisions apply and therefore the Regensburgers have relinquished their right to sue CAC and the Lubowiches. Because we find the Regensburgers' arguments unpersuasive, we AFFIRM the award of summary judgment on all claims in favor of CAC and the Lubowiches. We Deny the motion for sanctions under Fed.R.App.P. 38

The Dream

Dream house
© Photographer: Rcmathiraj | Agency: Dreamstime.com

I didn't dream about my natural Mother for many years after finding out that she had passed away while searching for me. I pretty much just became an emotional rolly-polly and curled up in a fetal position inside, actually. Especially after (just a few years later) my a-Mom ended up coming down with the same type of cancer my nMother passed away from. It was very hard for me, because I so didn't want to lose both Mothers to this horrid disease. I dealt with a lot of guilt and loyalty issues, hoping that the stress of my reunion (which my AMom knew about and was part of) didn't "bring on" this struggle for her. Part of me even went through feelings of anger ~ at everything and everyone. How dare my aMom get cancer ~ was she trying to "out do" my nMother's tragedy somehow, to make me feel guilty for even searching? Crazy thoughts in this wonderful world of search/reunion...

Finally getting through several years (in my 20's) of helping my aMom recover through the surgeries, bone-marrow transplant, chemo/radiation, etc. ~ I was able to BEGIN the journey of emotionally dealing with the death of my nMother. My 20's were a heartbreaking time for me, actually, because of FEAR and unacknowledged grief I was trying to ward off in order to help my Mom & survive. I also ended up having to admit my a-grandmother into a nursing home during this time, because I was physically unable to take care of both of them at the same time. I lived with a lot of guilt...really sad to even think back on those years.

I'm so thankful for finally finding other adoptees & first Moms who helped me "wake up" to that part of me that so desperately needed attention. It was after I tearfully (feeling like the emotions coming out of me might actually kill me) made it through several great adoption books, that I started DREAMING about my nMother. One of these dreams was so PRECIOUS to me...the only one where I could actually see her face.

I found myself in my old neighborhood, where I lived growing up as a child. Yet I was now an adult. I was standing in a house that belonged to my nMother ~ and I suddenly felt a sense of security and protection, like she had been there all along, in my very neighborhood. We hugged and embraced ~ I felt like that hug was filled with an unseen energy of warmth and nurturing like I had never felt. I never wanted to let go...she whispered words in my ears, but I can't remember, really, what she said. Things that empowered me somehow, like she was preparing me for life without her. She whispered love into my ears, but ended with something like, "I can't complete you, you will have to..." her voice trailing off.

Key to my heart
© Photographer: Gvictoria | Agency: Dreamstime.com

Then, she pulled back, picked up her things and walked out the door ~ I ran to the window and watched intently as she slowly walked down the street, and finally out of sight ~ trying so hard to somehow "will" her back. Yet her embrace remained a part of me, and I somehow felt stronger, bigger, even through the unbearable sadness at watching her go. It was then that I looked down on the table in front of the window and found that she had left her keys. For me. Seeing them immediately brought comfort & hope to my heart.

She would someday come back, or I would find her again ~ even if in eternity. Her keys and personal belongings were there for me always, sitting on that table ~ to pick up and hold and use for my future. Until we were together again. I'm writing this through tears & sobs, but am so thankful for the dream ~ it felt so real, like we were truly living this.

I looked over and saw a man (don't know who this was, am still trying to remember the entire dream, actually). We began to talk, and immediately I noticed a significant difference in myself. I was taller and as I spoke to the man, I was able, for the first time in my life, to look directly in his eyes. I felt like I was on his level and it was an extremely nice feeling. I wish I could remember more of what we talked about, but all I can really remember is the wonderful feeling of being able to relate to him as an equal.

It is interesting that before my nMother died, she made sure that her brother and mother had written down the name of my natural father, and told them to never forget that I would someday come looking. I am barely 5 feet tall, so I am used to looking up at most people in my daily life. My natural Father, who I am now reunited with, is probably only 5'5, somewhat short for a man. I definitely know, now, where I got my short-stature. But this dream meant so much more than that. It felt like a divine infusion of love & healing from Heaven. My heart's desire to SEE my Mother, and feel her hold me, if even for a moment. It somehow gave me the ability to see myself differently afterwards.

I'm not sure what everything meant in this dream, to this day. But it was something I will always hold on to ~ that feeling of coming home.

August 9, 2008

### 3 Stings & You're OUT! ###

Bee on a pink flower 2
© Photographer: Achilles | Agency: Dreamstime.com
Isn't it wonderful to finally cross through the darkness, deal with deep, hidden issues, and gain the ability to look back and have some acceptance, closure, perspective, and even humor at the very pain that used to be unacknowledged, yet caused a strange, numb inability to function?

I'm finally able to recognize STUPID, "innocent" remarks & beliefs (regarding adoption) that people spew so easily. Adopted people must spend a LIFETIME stuffing and trying (somehow) to justify them. I realize now, that deep inside some comments would make me cringe, but I dutifully learned to ignore my feelings and voice for so long, that I somehow ended up feeling like something was wrong with me for not being totally comfortable when hearing them. For EXAMPLE, yesterday my a-Mom was here for awhile & within a two-hour period, I tolerated SEVERAL hurtful remarks. But THIS TIME I was thinking, "great blog material" as I laughed to myself...here are a few.

Baby girl - bee
© Photographer: Matka_wariatka | Agency: Dreamstime.com
Just a little background: For as long as I can remember, my Mom has been obsessed with babies. Literally. When we are in a store (any store), EVERY SINGLE TIME, her radar finds a baby in a stroller, approaches, and begins a "baby talk" conversation with it. It usually goes something like this (condensed version), "You're sure a cutie. Would you like to go home with me? You think your Mommy would let you come home with me? What do you think about that? Oh, I bet she wouldn't let us get very far, would she? She must be so proud to have such a cute, well-mannered little boy/girl."

Holy Crap. Just writing it out makes me shudder. Is that not a (guilt-ridden, child-greedy, infertile adopter's) Freudian slip of the tongue, or WHAT? Amazing. I have learned to just immediately walk off when I see this begin to play out. But, oh the joy! lol When my son was born, one of the first things my Mom said to me was, "you know he's not just yours, don't you? You have to share." She followed that lovely statement up with months & months of immediately asking, "And how's MY baby today?" As he grew older it morphed into her asking him directly, "Are you Grandma's boy? Or Mama's boy? Huh? Huh?" expecting a pre-talker to answer or something...

I'm not trying to put my Mom down. These type of statements bring me sadness, anger, the works. But they bring pity and sympathy too. It is hard to see her like that, so obvious that she is having a hard time with not having her own biological children. Even in her 70's ~ it shows. And it irritates and saddens and doesn't do anything positive for our relationship. It got more pronounced after I had my child. Like I was getting to experience something she never did, and I almost feel bad about that...but not enough to beat myself up about. Because I'm so thankful I have my son and the blessing of finally having my first "normal" relationship with my very own blood relative. It is like heaven.

Annoyed bee
© Photographer: Willeecole | Agency: Dreamstime.com

Back to yesterday. Mom was talking about an old friend she ran into who was telling her about her grandchildren. She said that the woman's daughter and her husband had nine, yes 9, children. So my Mom's friend was bragging about that fact ~ of having so many grand kids. But here's the kicker ~ quote, "she said four of them are 'their own', and 5 are adopted". Oh really? That's interesting. That the distinction was made. "Their own", versus "adopted." (There IS a difference, no matter how many people try to argue against it.) I'm actually PROUD of her for being honest, but couldn't help but feel a little STING of pain in my heart to hear it.

Boom, there was #1 Sting. Adoptees get used to living with these little "stings" from day one. They come from EVERYWHERE, because ADOPTION talk is everywhere. We aren't supposed to let it bother us, of course, because we are the CHOSEN ones. We are making some family SO happy, so we quickly fall into place and fill the role ~ at the expense of our own inner congruence. No grief ~ no questions ~ just celebration. By God, we are LUCKY, don't we know that?

Angry bee
© Photographer: Pitbull28 | Agency: Dreamstime.com

Well, then Mom goes on talking about another family friend. This friend has several young-adult grandchildren and (quote) ~ "another one had a baby ~ all but one of her grand-daughters have had illegitimate children", with her usual "matter of fact" style, oozing with disapproving judgement. Hence, Sting #2. I had to bite my tongue on that one. Instead of saying what I really felt like saying, I just quietly said, "well, maybe that is what they WANT to do ~ have children." And she wonders why I am so quiet usually.

I truly believe Mom is so judgemental about young women having babies, because she was unsuccessful at having one herself, and never really dealt with it, so she projects a lot of judgement on others around her. (Instead of looking inside, at her own pain and focusing on her own inner healing.) So many of us grew up with parents like this that we have a lot of "waking up" to do personally so we don't follow in the same path. I realize that "hurting people, hurt people" and my heart goes out to my Mom and breaks for her. She has gone through a lot in her life, including health issues & cancer (which required harsh, experimental treatments) & numerous surgeries several years ago. (I'm so thankful for God's mercy which brought healing to her ~ all of us).

One of Mom's friend's other grand-daughters (April) is, sadly, in prison. (She, interestingly enough, lost her own mother in a tragic accident, when she was just a baby and was raised by her step-father). April is in her 20's, had 2 daughters, and was living with the father of her second baby, when he, sadly, shook the baby and damaged her brain. April (of course) lost custody of both her daughters and is STILL serving a prison sentence for allowing this abuse to occur. I am not sure, but am thinking the father of the child may already be out of jail. This young woman LOVED her babies very much. She made a life-altering decision to temporarily tolerate an abusive partner, and sadly, lost her children forever. Her daughter also lost their mother, forever.

They were adopted by another couple, and her grandmother (my Mom's friend) gets regular updates about them. (I guess it is considered a semi-open adoption). My Mom was talking about April (the young mother, in prison ~ and by the way, I know she sounds like a monster or something, to let her child be abused. It was, unfortunately, more due to her being naive, a lack of self-esteem and not knowing how to keep herself & her kids safe, in the presence of an abusive man who she hadn't even known very long.

Mom snidely remarked that April would remain in prison for several more years, but her grandmother THINKS the couple who adopted the children are going to allow visitation rights to the grandmother, but NOT THE MOTHER. My Mom then added, (Sting #3), "it's only right, you know ~ why mess up their little lives. They probably won't even remember her, they were so young anyway." I sat there (yet again) speechless.

Who cares if they cognitively remember their Mother or not. They will need healing regarding these tragic events which led to forever separation from her, regardless. It brought such sadness, distress and anger to hear a total disregard for their pain in losing their mother ~ like their lives are totally "fixed" by their new family.

It has gotten harder to let "innocent" statements & beliefs just fly over my head, push down the feelings, and ignore the inner-sirens going off, when hearing such ridiculous comments about adoption. Especially from my own family, which is actually something I should be (and used to be) accustomed to. I truly don't think my Mom "gets it" and, therefore, is not intentionally trying to hurt me. I've heard the same type of remarks from even my first family (who I'm reunited with), as well as friends and people I don't even know. Just "innocent" statements that sting. My old, numb "adopted self" wasn't even phased by this type of disregard. Maybe that is why it took so long to allow myself to wake up ~ because I didn't want to feel.

bee teapot
© Photographer: Gelsomina | Agency: Dreamstime.com

Addition added later: Well, I just went back and read again what I wrote in this post and was taken back by how HARSH it sounded. Especially the part about "guilt-laden, child-greedy adopters". I know it sounds so harsh, but I need to make things clear. Just because my Mom says these things that bring discomfort to me ~ I still love her, and she loves me. We get together at least weekly and talk on the phone almost every day. It makes it hard, sometimes, because I feel like I have to "bite my tongue", in order to "keep peace" and not hurt her, but that is something a lot of families do. I know. It just really hurts and angers me to hear some of the statements that come from her. I'm sure I disappoint her a lot too, and for that I'm sad. But it is just good to be honest somewhere, and here is where I am. Maybe that's wimpy. Maybe not. Not sure.

I'm not implying that every person who adopts a child is "guilt-ridden" or "child-greedy" either ~ but a lot are. Face it. I was mainly just trying to express the fact that adoptees hear a lot of statements about adoption and sometimes we really have to ignore or stuff our feelings, in order not to hurt.

Some adoptees (and many adopted parents, I'm sure) would vehemently disagree, and that's ok. It should be understood that when I write, I'm writing about my OWN feelings, experiences, beliefs, and journey. I know that NO JOURNEY is alike and therefore, not everyone will agree with everything (or even anything) I have to say. That's ok and I understand that. So don't get offended if you don't agree with what I write ~ I'm just writing. Being honest inside, and expressing my own opinions. Hoping to grow and learn - and thankful for the avenue of blogs from whom many I've learned so much and received courage through. I'm not offended by comments that I don't agree with. Sometimes they even crack me up. It's time to stop being afraid to express our feelings and thoughts in order to make others not feel uncomfortable ~ I will talk about what it truly feels like (for me) being adopted, and let others feel the discomfort for once, if necessary. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, and this, in part, is how new ideas, concepts, and truth is birthed for each individual ~ through free-expression.

A blog is a wonderful way to do that. The last thing I want to do is hurt my Mom, because I know what it feels like to be hurt. I try not to hurt her, because I love her. I'm not always successful, but I try. She doesn't even have a computer, so I feel (mostly) safe about talking about these things on here, only because it is a safe way to express, reflect on, and hopefully learn and grow from them. There is so much of my life I don't feel comfortable sharing on here. So much that I haven't processed enough to even be able to write about yet. But it feels good to put some of it down, get it out, and share. Finally.