Merry Christmas ~ Heaven's Gift

Heaven's Gift

by Sandra A. Popp

Heaven's gift has come to man.
Mortal fate rests
Within tiny hallowed hands.
Shepherds singing, a shining star,
Angels proclaiming,
Kings bearing gifts from afar.
A scene of serene glory,
The weight of a holy hush,
The meaning of heaven's story,
'Twas God's first CHRISTmas gift to us.

Who would recall the power of that day,
At the time when He was led away,
Bearing a crown, a robe, and fateful wounds?
Was He not the gift from heaven's womb?

Shall we turn from that holy day
And walk away unchanged?
Will we allow it to envelope our souls
Only to let it slowly slip away?

Through plastic, tinsel, parties and gifts,
Shopping, planning, and Christmas lights lit,
Can the simple gift be heard or seen,
Or does it quietly fade behind holiday sheen?

Let us not forget that He loves us so.
He loves us too much to let us go.
He sent a plan with His sacrifice
To forgive and cleanse and give us life.

Embrace the greatest gift of all;
Don't let your sense of the manger wane.
The gift of heaven is yours to receive.
It was the true reason He came.

Free Hugs!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4 ~ This will make you smile!

"Lullaby" by Josh Groban

Hush now baby don't you cry
Rest your wings my butterfly
Peace will come to you in time
And I will sing this lullaby

Know though I must leave my child
That I would stay here by your side
And if you wake before I'm gone
Remember this sweet lullaby

And oh, through darkness, don't you ever stop believing
With love alone, with love you'll find your way
My love

The world has turned the day to dark
I leave this night with heavy heart
When I return to dry your eyes
I will sing this lullaby
Yes I will sing this lullaby

"Adoption has ouched my Heart"

© Photographer: Metoo | Agency: Dreamstime.com
Ok, so I was driving my baby in the car today trying to get him to go to sleep, listening to his favorite "naptime" CD, "Awake" by Josh Groban (great music, by the way) ~ when I happened to stop at a 4-way stop sign behind a mini-van.

Lo, and behold, my eyes lit upon a profound bumper-sticker, indeed! It said "Adoption has ouched my heart" ~ literally! lol

It had a beautiful picture of a frilly heart ~ and somehow the "t" was COMPLETELY missing from the word that I assume was orginally "touched" ~ making it "OUCHED" instead ~ WOW ~ how interesting.

The license plate was personalized also, saying something about "TheKids" ~ probably referring to the children in this family mini-van, who may very well be adopted.

Wonder if one of them performed a little bit of a "freudian slip surgery" to the bumper sticker subconciously?????

Adoption, INDEED, touches hearts ~ no doubt about that. But it also "ouches" hearts and every adoptee needs that respect and acknowledgement in healing.

Mom & "Nanny"

What to say ~ I have been thinking lately about writing in honor of my Adoptive Mom and Grandmother. Being raised in my adoptive family, in part, made me who I am today. I gained much from them, including the gifts of perseverance and strength. My family taught me how to be a strong woman because I watched strength in them, as well as a great sense of humor. Looking at this picture with them when I was a teenager reveals alot ~ quite a grip there, eh?

It is strange how children believe for the longest time that their parents are perfect. I think this adoptee held on to that thought for longer than needed simply because it helped me feel secure. It wasn't easy to allow myself to see their imperfections and even sins, and go through that journey to the other side ~ through the awareness, the emotions, etc. ~ to see their humanity, frailty, and embrace again the beauty and gifts they have and gave me.

My "Nanny" ~ maternal grandmother ~ was full of life and vitality, stubborness and will. She had a dry sense of humor that was perfectly "on" all the time, even during hard times she had. She taught me to laugh.

My Mom is adored by my son ~ it is great to see her enjoy being his "Grandma" ~ and it warms my heart as his Mother that he has a loving, attentive Grandma in his life. Alot of times the way she interacts with my son, however, does bring up memories and emotions of the ways in which I wish my Mom and even her Mother could have done things differently with me as a child. In fact, it was emotional abuse, many times. This has been hard to admit to, but also has helped me to accept myself and worth to some degree as an adult. She loved me to the best of her ability, I'm positive of that. And provided me with a lot of positive things, too. A whole lot.

BUT, her "look" could send chills of disapproval to my very core ~ and I don't want my son to feel that ~ because I think it affects a child's self-esteem. I want him to ALWAYS feel accepted and worthy and loved ~ even during the times he is not "acting" perfectly. I now realize how very delicate a dance parenthood is ~ bringing with it great joy, as well as great vulnerability and responsibility.

I have to admit that finally becoming a Mother myself, I can distinguish differences between being brought up by adoptive parents, and having my own biological offspring. There are many and even though other people may not want to believe it ~ I can attest there are differences that need to be acknowledged, in order for them to do LESS damage, possibly. In my opinion.

I lost my "Nanny" the same year my son was born, so it has been hard to grieve her passing ~ I was using all emotional reserves to care for my preemie. But she was such a big part of my life and I loved her very much. I miss her and the way she could make me laugh, even at the end of her life, living gracefully in spite of having to be in a nursing home.

My Mom is my Mom ~ and I just wanted to share how much I love and care for her. She was my best friend during my childhood, as I was an only child. Every Saturday we would go to "Crystals Pizza" and have Mom/Daughter day together. I used to make her elaborate "To the BEST Mother in the World" cards ALL the time.

Looking back, I think those cards were my way of comforting myself and trying to find security in holding on very tightly to my Mom ~ possibly because she felt insecure as my Mom. She had a poem framed and on her bedroom wall next to my picture ~ "Chosen Child" ~ it had alot of contradictory statements which is confusing to an adopted child. The first stance say's "I had to tell you, Dearest Heart, that you are not my own" ~ it goes on to explain how much she wanted and desired a baby and how we were brought together through adoption ~ then the last stance of the poem states that I am "her's, and her's alone". Now HOW can that be?

How can I NOT be her own, and also HER's alone? It doesn't make sense. My home-made cards were a desperate attempt to reconcile this in my own soul and possibly to help my Mom feel secure (and in doing so help me feel more secure) as my Mom. ????

Good Gads!

Anyway, as I got older I finally had to emotionally "cut the cord" with my Mom and boy, was it hard. I loved her so much, and in my 20's when she went through breast cancer and bone marrow transplant, I was terrified of losing her ~ she was my only security, as I had not yet grieved my own adoptee status and found myself in all the pain and joy that is. During my young adult years, when I should have been establishing my own family and life, I was consumed with making sure she and my grandmother were taken care of. They wouldn't accept help from others and sometimes this brought feelings of anger for me, which were also hard to cope with. "Boundaries for Healthy Living" (Cloud & Townsend) was quite a revelation ~ one long past due! lol

I happened to pick a Husband who also dealt with boundary issues in HIS family ~ so needless to say, we've had quite a journey and I'm so thankful we have survived.

She is my Mom and I love her so much. I'm so glad she is still relatively healthy and able to get around (with a walker). I'm very glad that she can be my son's "Grandma" because I remember as a child how important those relationships are. I pray she will be around for a long time to come. I worry about her a lot, still, even though I've finally separated enough to not let that worry consume me and dictate my entire existance. Of course, I feel guilty for that sometimes, too. But I literally wore myself down physically & emotionally in my "prime" years and I look back and grieve that along with losing my First Mother and family.

Adoption is FULL of contradictions, pain, blessings and love ~ all wrapped together in a ball of emotions that is almost impossible to unravel ~ it puts a great burden on adoptees. Just being honest. Burdens don't negate LOVE, though.

I feel old before my time. And this "oldness" came on suddenly ~ after years of being a perpetual "child".

All this came out of my desire to write a post in honor of my Mom ~ I feel as though I need to apologize or something. Bless my Mom, God, and bless her for all the years she put into my life and still does.

Shadow Dancing

The other day at church I literally got three different "ah ha" moments regarding God's love and healing for me as an adoptee. It was one of those really good days of insight and comfort.

As I went up for prayer time after the service ~ I noticed all these shadows on the wall beside me ~ outlines of all the people standing and singing/praying.

I'm normally not one to even notice something like that, but for some reason it really caught my attention. Then I got interested and wondered exactly which shadow was mine. I knew I was in the crowd on the wall, but couldn't distinguish my shadow from everyone elses, they looked so gray and similar. Just outlines of people ~ no depth or details.

While searching and trying to distinguish where I was, all of a sudden I realized that familiar moment of indescribable PANIC I felt right before putting everything into my adoption "search" ~ Where am I? Who am I? Am I really there?

I had to sway a little bit and move so as to find "me" among all the others. Then an instant feeling of RELIEF came over me when I finally found the right one ~ yes, I was really there!

It was a familiar feeling ~ of what I have felt my whole life ~ in "searching" mode.

Adoptees deal with identity issues galore. And my little "shadow" experience at church was just a picture to me of the feelings I have "stuffed" and tolerated for many years ~ even after searching for and finding my birth family. For then I've had to search for who I am in that new-found truth, reality, of connection to them and to myself, finally.

What I realized is that I had based my entire identity on what I DID ~ not WHO I was ~ because I truly didn't really know WHO I was. It was like looking at those shadows on the wall ~ not real ~ no depth or detail ~ just a dim outline to go by.

I had to MOVE ~ DO Something ~ to feel real or to find my existance. I based my identity and worth on my work for many, many years. I was a social worker and put great pride in "helping" others ~ not realizing that I found comfort in focusing on and helping (even secretly judging) others because it protected me from having to look too deeply inside my own life, identity, pain, judgement, insecurity.

If I stayed busy DOING things that I thought were "good" then that MUST mean I was good enough, to compensate for the nagging emptiness, unworthiness, and rejection I felt but tried not to acknowledge, because it hurt too bad. After all, I spent my entire childhood telling myself the same thing I heard so often ~ "I am chosen" ~ and that certainly left no room to question or feel or examine or heal.

I once heard Joyce Meyer say that "God created us as human-beings, not human-doings for a reason." Isn't that the truth!

It wasn't until I found other adoptees who were courageous enough to be "real" and share their inner stories, that I could begin to become "real" to myself and face the "black hole" of terrifying emotions inside of me that no amended birth certificate, adopted name, or false-self could cover, no matter how hard I tried.

God knew I needed Honesty and Truth within myself in order to heal ~ and unfortunately "Adoption" as we practice it in Western Society ~ well, it's a far cry from being truth-based ~ secrecy, sealed records, high-powered marketing schemes begging for mothers to relinquish their God-given miracles & motherhood because of not having enough money, or for being too "young". All this, so their babies can fulfill the desires of those who desperately want and feel they have the right to be "parents" at the expense of other's trauma and loss ~ ignoring scientific-based studies regarding the inner-life of infants in their mother's wombs and the tragic effects of separation ~ not to mention, the honest writings of adult adoptees worldwide ~~~~~~~~~ YES, sometimes the truth is hard to hear, hard to accept ~ but that doesn't negate the truth and reality that is.

Psalm 51:6 ~ "But you desire honesty from the heart, so you can teach me to be wise in my inmost being."

Thank you, God, for DESIRING honesty in my heart, for being there when myself & others can't bear to believe or hear the pain that is there ~ for healing me and helping me every day, to BE the human-being you created me to be. My worth not based on my works or deeds, but on the true me who you help me to find.

Comfort in the Midst

My son, being born 3 months early and hospitalized for 98 days ~ well ~ needless to say, he has huge trust/attachment issues. He is always "on guard", pushing away, anxious, and seems to be in the "flight or fight" mode alot of the time. This has affected our relationship as Mother/Child. And I am heartbroken.

Ironically, I completely relate to him, being an adoptee ~ I feel his pain of isolation, comfortlessness, separation, walled off emotions looking like great independence, self-reliance. Yet, I so want him to trust me and receive my love, my comfort ~ I want to fix all that he experienced. And I blame myself.

And so I RAGE (not AT my son ~ but alone ~ and I know he still feels it) ~ and wreck myself with guilt ~ self-degradation ~ the works. And then blame myself for that, too, because I know it doesn't help, but hinders his healing.

I was going through this today and trying to pray, but keeping myself busy. Running from God ~ and then I realized something. I am treating God (Perfect LOVE) exactly like my son treats me. I actually said the words, "but you don't count" as I felt Him tugging at me to speak ~ I needed to let out my confession of guilt to someone tangible, someone who I could trust ~ and yet couldn't find. And I realized ~ God must cry and rage and do all He knows to do to get my gaze, help me to really look Him in the eye, to connect, and to TRUST His Love. His Love is so much stronger than any parent could ever have. Any human. It is all-encompassing, unconditional, without me having to DO anything ~ it just is - for me. Like my love for my son. Like my heartache so wanting to erase all my child's pain and restore all that he has lost. So I know God must want that for him (and me) too.

I want to look at you, God, and trust You. Please erase and renew and forgive and heal. Please fulfill your good plans in me and my family.

Isaiah 66:13 ~ "As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you, and you shall be comforted".
*(I remember finding this scripture when my son was only one day old).

Lord, please fulfill this scripture to us. Your mercies are new every morning and your compassions never fail. Take our pain (that you already bore on the cross for us) and replace it with your healing. Thank you for comforting me right now.