October 22, 2007

Comfort in the Midst

My son, being born 3 months early and hospitalized for 98 days ~ well ~ needless to say, he has huge trust/attachment issues. He is always "on guard", pushing away, anxious, and seems to be in the "flight or fight" mode alot of the time. This has affected our relationship as Mother/Child. And I am heartbroken.

Ironically, I completely relate to him, being an adoptee ~ I feel his pain of isolation, comfortlessness, separation, walled off emotions looking like great independence, self-reliance. Yet, I so want him to trust me and receive my love, my comfort ~ I want to fix all that he experienced. And I blame myself.

And so I RAGE (not AT my son ~ but alone ~ and I know he still feels it) ~ and wreck myself with guilt ~ self-degradation ~ the works. And then blame myself for that, too, because I know it doesn't help, but hinders his healing.

I was going through this today and trying to pray, but keeping myself busy. Running from God ~ and then I realized something. I am treating God (Perfect LOVE) exactly like my son treats me. I actually said the words, "but you don't count" as I felt Him tugging at me to speak ~ I needed to let out my confession of guilt to someone tangible, someone who I could trust ~ and yet couldn't find. And I realized ~ God must cry and rage and do all He knows to do to get my gaze, help me to really look Him in the eye, to connect, and to TRUST His Love. His Love is so much stronger than any parent could ever have. Any human. It is all-encompassing, unconditional, without me having to DO anything ~ it just is - for me. Like my love for my son. Like my heartache so wanting to erase all my child's pain and restore all that he has lost. So I know God must want that for him (and me) too.

I want to look at you, God, and trust You. Please erase and renew and forgive and heal. Please fulfill your good plans in me and my family.

Isaiah 66:13 ~ "As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you, and you shall be comforted".
*(I remember finding this scripture when my son was only one day old).

Lord, please fulfill this scripture to us. Your mercies are new every morning and your compassions never fail. Take our pain (that you already bore on the cross for us) and replace it with your healing. Thank you for comforting me right now.

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