Last Night...

Last night I had a dream...so vivid, detailed, real.

It started out hazy, but with each scene became more clear.

I was watching a baby in a huge yard, just learning to crawl. She looked like any normal baby ~ beautiful, innocent, voiceless. But it was like I could get inside this baby, and inside, she was lost with no way to express herself. She crawled aimlessly, reluctantly, in circles, like in search, but could not find. She kept going from one stranger to the next, looking up, and realizing it wasn't right. All the while, the adults in this hazy picture were unaware, talking and laughing, and thinking the baby was just so cute. I finally picked her up and held her in my arms and comforted her. She smiled at me with a knowing smile.

The next scene in the dream was in a courthouse. With the baby still on my shoulder, I peered through a window, like we weren't supposed to be part of the happenings. It wasn't our business. I could see three young women sitting on the front row. They were all beautiful ~ the middle one had short curly red hair, the other two had black shiny hair. But all stared with blankness in their eyes. As if sitting in a line-up.

All of a sudden I KNEW I had to give this baby to her mother, but I didn't know which one. I felt they needed to be together, if even for a moment. Nothing could stop what I did next. I opened the courtroom door and walked through. Me and the baby.

My eyes were riveted on these three women. I wished I could hand the baby to all three, but couldn't. So I handed her to the one closest to me, on the end of the bench. She acted as if she couldn't take her from me, but let the baby fall gently onto her shoulder, unspeakably grateful. Immediately the baby curled into her like a glove and the women began to weep.

Then all three women cried uncontrollably, like a dam had been released in their souls, and they couldn't help it. Like someone had finally seen them.

I sat next to the woman and the baby on the bench as we watched the proceedings go on; like clueless foreigners, not able to understand the language being spoken. We just knew it was about us.

At one point I leaned over and whispered in the woman's ear, "You know you can change your mind, don't you?. You don't have to do anything today." She looked at me with surprise on her face, not able to believe it, and then answered back, "but wouldn't I just have to do it tomorrow?"

Scene 3 ~ I was in the backseat of a car being driven from the courthouse. It was packed full of people, driven by a sullen adoption worker. The mother was holding her baby in the front seat. We all sat quietly, but you could cut the air with a knife. The baby lifted her head off her mother's shoulder long enough to look back at me briefly, kind of like she was doing a double-take, and realized I was the one who had taken her to her mother. She sighed, like she had not breathed deeply in a long time, and smiled. Then snuggled her head back into the crook of her mothers neck. The mother seemed relieved too, as if it was dawning on her that she was a mother, and this was her child, whom she felt deeply.

The only conversation going on in the car was taking place between the driver and another woman who was leaning over the backseat as they whispered in concerned tones, snarls on their faces, carefully watching the mother with child.

This seemed to make the woman nervous, but she was relishing these moments snuggling close to her baby.

I tried to break the ice by casually talking to the mother and pointing out the amazing likeness she and her baby shared, even down to their beautiful hair. She was amazed too, how they just seemed to fit together. Like she never realized how her daughter would take after her so much.

After awhile, she glanced warily at the authority figure beside her, and finally burst out, "Why is everyone trying to pressure me?" She knew things were going too fast for her mind or emotions to keep up with, and was completely overwhelmed.

It was at this moment in the dream that I realized I had to do something. I could no longer just sit quietly and hope for the best, no matter how hard it was to open my mouth and speak. In the next few minutes I found myself telling my story with great urgency and emotion.

"I was adopted as a baby, and although I loved my adoptive family very much, I have always been searching and longing for what I lost so long ago and could never find. The connection to Myself, through my Mother."

I so wanted the baby in my dream to have that chance. So I kept speaking, through shaking voice and tears. Then, not knowing the outcome, I thought silently, "Please hear me", as the car pulled over and I stepped out onto a busy downtown street.

Strangely, I watched myself walk away, carrying a book bag at my side. And then I woke up.

Happy Adoptees

© Photographer: Agg | Agency: Dreamstime.com

Happy Adoptees
By Julie A. Rist

I am not the happy and grateful adoptee that you want me to be. Don’t get me wrong. I was happy and grateful for almost 45 years – or so I believed. Had you asked me then how I felt about being adopted, you might have heard something like, “Great! I am so grateful to my (adoptive) parents for all they did and, no, I am not interested in finding my ‘real’ family. My adoptive family is my ‘real’ family, thankyouverymuch, and they are a wonderful family. I’ve had a wonderful life. Of course, I am grateful to my natural mother for giving me life. Oh, you’re adopting? How wonderful!”

I enthusiastically expressed that view all those years because I needed to convince myself that my life was normal and right and that I was okay. I did it because everyone else wanted me to feel that way, too. And I thought I would die if I ever looked deeper.

Happy children

You’ve seen adopted children who seem to be perfectly happy, too. They smile and have fun just like those whose families are intact. They act happy and, occasionally, they are.

Yes, adopted children smile and laugh. Did you stop smiling after you lost a loved one? Didn’t you still laugh when someone said something funny? Weren’t you still capable of having some fun?

Did you ever smile and act happy to hide your grief?

Of course you did. But even when you smiled, those close to you knew it didn’t mean you were happy. Those close to you accepted and expected your pain and sadness. They did not expect you to be happy about your loss. They gave you something most adoptees do not get: acknowledgement of, empathy for, and permission to express your grief.

What grief?

In the early ‘50s when I was adopted, little was known about the power of the bond between mother and child. Society still accepted Locke’s theory of tabula rasa – that we are born as blank slates. John Locke died in 1704, yet his theory survived until the mid- 50s. Now, however, we know that even before birth babies are intelligent, remembering and aware beings with their own personalities.

We know that much of who we are today was created in the womb. We know that mother and child are a single entity, profoundly connected physiologically, emotionally and spiritually – even through early infancy. A baby does not understand that he or she is an individual until at least 9 months after birth.

Through their research, authorities have determined that, when the mother/child entity is split, it causes an acute and lasting trauma in both mother and child. The repercussions are ominous and tenacious. Though they become buried deep inside, the repercussions follow both mother and child throughout the remainder of their lives.

It is difficult, emotionally, to imagine a tiny baby’s very real feelings about the loss of his or her mother -- the terror of losing all that is familiar, all that is comfort – the unique heartbeat, scent, taste, voice, rhythms and vibrations. Babies are born needing and expecting these familiar things which only their natural mothers can provide.

Even with this knowledge which has accumulated over the past 20 years, there remain those in our society who sever the mother/child entity as casually as they would cut a common earthworm in two.

Ignored trauma is another trauma

A child’s first experience in the adoptive family is usually joining in everyone else’s happiness over his or her tragedy. The child’s first trauma is ignored or dismissed, perhaps in the belief that enough love will make it disappear. It will not. In essence, the adoptee is expected to dance along with everyone else on his or her own mother’s virtual grave. Most experts in the fields of adoption psychology and trauma consider this dismissal to be the adoptee’s second trauma.

The first and second traumas are the root causes for a number of issues and for additional traumas, which accumulate one upon another (what Betty Jean Lifton calls “Cumulative Trauma”).

We may not want to imagine these things because it is uncomfortable to do so but, to act in a child’s best interest including protecting his or her emotional health, we need to suffer through such discomfort.

Denial

Over 14 years ago, I began 9 years in therapy, struggling with a boatload of issues that are utterly classic in adoptees. I didn’t accomplish much. The problem was that I did not connect them with my adoption experience. In all fairness, my therapist encouraged me to recognize the connection, but I was so deep in “De Nile” that I could not see it – indeed would not see it. I needed too desperately (like most of society) to believe that my adoption experience was the positive part of my life – not the source of my problems.

Denial is powerful and, in many ways, a gift. It is a state we create in order to avoid feeling the pain of seeing the truth. When a baby’s world is gone, he or she does whatever it takes to survive. If the child does not get empathy and permission to grieve, he or she has no choice but to psychologically deny the trauma. And that includes smiling to hide the grief. The child begins to believe that his or her feelings are unimportant – even wrong. The child learns how not to feel.

I do not use the word “denial” in a damning or judgmental way. It is a normal and natural human survival tool. I not only acknowledge it but, knowing intimately the pain that comes with shedding that denial, I am reticent to nudge others out of it. Denial can be a trauma victim’s most effective tool for survival, because revisiting the event that caused the trauma can feel literally life threatening.

The downside of denial unfortunately outweighs the upside. Denial prevents us from understanding and effectively managing all the issues that stem from the disintegration of the mother/child entity. What are the most common issues?

Identity

Issues of the adoptee are barely acknowledged by society and then only in those who are of a different race than the adoptive family – as if physical differences are the only ones that matter. But there are reasons why we see repetitive generations of lawyers, healers, scholars, actors, artists, etc. in natural families. It is not just a matter of continuing a family business or tribal tradition. It is a matter of like characteristics being perpetuated, generation after generation, being nurtured by genetic mirroring.

Even if we are not transracial or biracial adoptees, we still do not get the genetic mirroring that we so desperately need. We don’t know how tall we’ll get, or whether our hair will get darker or lighter, our skin clearer, our bodies thinner or thicker. We don’t know who we’ll look like when we’re older. Our own natural characteristics are unfamiliar, so we don’t know what we should or should not choose to develop.

Although such things may seem inconsequential to those around us, they are monumental to us, and serve to make us feel even more alienated, more lost.

When an adoptee’s characteristics do not fit those of the adoptive family (or the extended adoptive family), there can be trouble. In my case art, writing and psychology were all frowned upon by my adoptive family. Yet those characteristics run happily in my natural family. Though my adoptive parents meant well, I grew up feeling like a bad seed. Out of desperation for approval, I pursued career paths that I thought would please them but even those successes were never enough to overcome their disappointment.

Carrying the surname of someone else’s family also contributes to identity problems. The child is expected to embrace the adoptive family’s ancestry, as if his or her own is immaterial -- as if living in the dark is no big deal.

Low self-esteem

Identity issues can explain some low self-esteem, a classic adoptee problem. Another cause is some adoptive parents’ – and society’s – (unmistakable yet unspoken) low opinion of the stereotypical “birthmother.” Not only is this an unfair and incorrect judgment about our mothers, but adopted children incorporate these attitudes into their own self-image.

Along with this message, adopted children are often told that, essentially, their mothers loved them so much that they gave them away. This makes no sense. If my mother really loved me that much, she would have kept me -- therefore there must be something wrong with me. This creates low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem leads to people-pleasing. Adoptees are exemplary people-pleasers. That is why we so often appear to be happy and are pleasant to be around. Lots of smiling! Our original purpose as adoptees was to fulfill the desires of others, to make them happy. Early on, our authentic selves are sacrificed to fill those needs.

Powerlessness and control

For many adoptees, it is easy to fall into despair and feel powerless over circumstances that emotionally healthy people can overcome with relative ease. This is rooted in our separation experience, when we felt powerless, helpless and hopeless. Paradoxically, we can become obsessed with controlling other parts of our lives, those things and events that we can control. This is conflict waiting to happen.



Depression

Often, depression can come from the sheer exhaustion of maintaining pretense (being in denial). No matter how much love and care we are given, the truth is that we are (and will always be) someone else’s children. Yet we exhaust ourselves emotionally, pretending otherwise because we believe it will ensure our survival and prevent another abandonment.

We also expend a lot of energy fantasizing about our natural mothers, and a lot of energy burying our authentic selves in favor of people-pleasing. All these things take a great deal of energy yet offer little reward -- fertile ground for depression.

Trust

One of our most common problems is that of trust. The original disintegration of the mother/child entity can literally destroy a baby’s nascent sense of trust. Once lost, it can never be recovered. Only a tentative sense of trust can be painstakingly built by the adoptive family, yet it will always be difficult and sometimes impossible. Again paradoxically, we tend to casually trust anyone and everyone. It is when deep trust is required, as in intimacy, we tend to fall short.

Abandonment

Abandonment is the most common issue of the adoptee. Despite the true circumstances of the separation from our natural mothers, we experienced this emotionally as abandonment. Even with later knowledge of those circumstances, the early emotional experience of abandonment never leaves us. Relationship troubles abound. Other issues such as trust, identity, low self-esteem and control compound these troubles.

Many people have abandonment issues. For adoptees, however, abandonment is not just painful. It can feel like annihilation.

“Only eyes washed by tears can see clearly.” – Louis Mann

Staying in denial, while it may be a refuge, hurts everyone involved. Although seeing the truth also hurts, don’t parentless children deserve what they truly need? How can society continue pretending that the smiles are genuine simply because it is easier than acknowledging the underlying problems?

For those who genuinely care about these children and want to take that first step toward seeing clearly, start with one of Betty Jean Lifton’s books, such as Journey of the Adopted Self or Nancy Verrier’s The Primal Wound. They offer insight into the issues of adoptees, adoptive parents, and of mothers who have lost children to adoption. Such knowledge and understanding can open our minds and hearts to alternatives that are even better than adoption.

Smiles as masks

Despite all these traumas and issues, adoptees smile. We smile to hide a world of hurt that neither we nor the rest of the world want to face. We smile because the world needs us to smile. They need to believe they are doing the right thing for us, to forget those silly “issues,” and call us “happy.” By smiling, we help them do that.

Next time you encounter a “happy” and “grateful” adoptee who had “wonderful” adoptive parents and a “wonderful” life, look a little closer.


Ms. Rist is an artist, writer, and adoption alternatives activist living in Phoenix.

Article by J. A. Rist © Copyright 2002, 2003. All rights reserved.

Oklahoma Couple Want to Return Troubled Adopted Son

Oklahoma Couple Want to Return Troubled Adopted Son to State
11-year-old is Violent Towards Other Children, Has Killed Animals and Runs Away Regularly, Parents Say

By RYAN OWENS and SUZAN CLARKE
Dec. 21, 2009
(click on the title of post above to be linked directly to this Good Morning America/ABC news segment/video)

Melissa and Tony Wescott are afraid of their son. They're so afraid of the boy they adopted that they're trying to have Oklahoma law changed so that they can return him to the state's care.

"He tried to burn our home down. The note said, 'I'm sorry you had to die,'" Melissa Wescott told "Good Morning America."

She said she and her husband have found butcher knives under his mattress and lights hidden in his bedroom.

The Wescotts' 11-year-old son has been locked up in a psychiatric hospital in Tulsa, Okla., for nearly a year. But now doctors say he's not a danger to himself or anyone else, and the boy is scheduled to be released from the hospital next month.

Despite the doctors' opinion, the Wescotts say they are so afraid of having him back home that Melissa plans to stay awake at nights while her husband sleeps.


Adopted Son Diagnosed with Several Mental Health Disorders
The trouble started shortly after the couple -- who couldn't have children of their own -- adopted the boy in 2007. His behavioral problems became so severe that he needed inpatient care.

Within a year of the adoption, the Wescotts told the Tulsa World, the child was diagnosed with reactive detachment disorder, disruptive behavior disorder, major depressive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and fetal alcohol syndrome.

The parents said the boy became violent toward other children and nonresponsive to adults, hurt and killed animals and ran away regularly, requiring help from police.

So they're trying to return him to the care of the state's Department of Human Services, but the state says adoptive parents should be treated no different from birth parents.

Adoptive Parents Treated the Same as Biological Ones, State Says
"A parent is a parent," Karen Poteet, who runs the state's post-adoption program, said. "It doesn't matter where the child came from."

Poteet says all parents are warned that the children they are adopting were abused or neglected and that the symptoms of that treatment could manifest themselves years later.

Poteet, who adopted two sisters in 2001, knows that all too well.

"My children were abused from the moment of conception because their birth mother chose to drink the entire pregnancy. That's no fault of my children," she said.

But the Wescotts say their son needs more care than they can provide. They are afraid to let him back into their home. If they don't, though, they could face felony child abandonment charges.

"It's not like we are trying to return an itchy sweater," said Melissa Wescott, who said she loved her son "unequivocally."

She said she believes loving him means letting him go.

Poteet said the last thing adoptive children need is to be rejected by another family, although that's rare.

Groups Tries to Change Law
There are 11,0000 children in Oklahoma's adoption system. This year, only 13 adoptions have been dissolved -- an expensive and lengthy legal process that's similar to a divorce.

The Wescotts can't afford it, so they're trying to have the law changed.

The Wescotts are part of a group seeking changes in state law that would allow adoptive parents to return custody of foster children to the state in certain circumstances.

"If a family can show that they have exhausted every resource ... every opportunity they can ... to save their families and this is what they're left with, then I think they should have this as an option," said Tina Cox of the Adoptive Parent Support Group. "No one should be held hostage in their own homes."

Adoption Issues Being Studied by Task Force
A Oklahoma legislative task force is evaluating issues involving adoptions of children in state custody.

Advocates of changing the law say adoptive parents should not be punished if their children have major disabilities that were not known or disclosed ahead of time.

"We knew what we could handle and what we couldn't," Melissa Wescott said, adding that they requested a child who wasn't "violent or acting out sexually."

DHS disclosure documents call the child "well-behaved" and "polite and well mannered." He is described as "respectful toward authority" and "makes friends easily." The papers say he has no "significant behavioral problems which would be considered abnormal for a child his age."

Poteet said adopted children have to have people who will stand up for them.

"If we don't do it, who's going to do it?" she said.

Such a heated issue here, but the bottom line is one of disclosure or lack thereof. This couple was not given full disclosure of the child's issues and was even told it was "normal adjustment" when they approached DHS with concerns before finalization. The OK "Swift Adoption" program (the name alone raises concern) has more than doubled the number of children adopted because of the financial incentives offered by the federal government for each adoption finalized. This entire financially driven adoption system in America sets a climate for gross conflict of interest and unethical policies which fail to protect the very children it claims to serve.
Misdeeds can be hidden behind archaic "sealed records" statutes which fail to protect any party in adoption other than the industry itself, which happens to make up 95% of the task force which recommends the laws.
The adoption industry fails to acknowledge or provide adoptive parents with important books like "The Primal Wound" which explains the traumatic severing of a child's early bond with the mother and how it creates life-long issues. They want to pretend a child is either "normal" (will have no issues with being adopted), or completely "blame" the child's biological heritage or parents. This is abusive to all adoptees because it is a "black and white" approach to a very complex trauma and so disrespectful of the reality of an adoptee. DHS as well as every other adoption broker should be required by law to provide full disclosure of the documented research now available in neonatology and the life-long damage done to children by separation from their mothers; as well as damage done through "sealed records" laws which amend a child's very identity and reality without acknowledging how it affects the adoptee. Adoption is a business in human lives and the voices not heard in these "contracts" are the voices of adoptees.

Couple say adopted son beyond their help

Couple say adopted son beyond their help

by: GINNIE GRAHAM World Staff Writer
Sunday, December 06, 2009

The scrapbook pages show a smiling 8-year-old boy on his first day of school, opening Christmas gifts and hanging around with new friends.

Melissa Westcott's hand-written messages next to the photos shower affection on her "little man" and "baby."

The pages don't show the turmoil that started brewing months after the adoption of the child from the custody of the state Department of Human Services.

The Tulsa resident and her husband, Tony, love the son they adopted two years ago, but now say he is too much for them to handle.

After the adoption, the boy became violent toward other children and nonresponsive to adults, hurt and killed animals and ran away regularly, requiring law enforcement help, they say.

Within a year, he received diagnoses including reactive detachment disorder, disruptive behavior disorder, major depressive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and fetal alcohol syndrome. He has frequented in-patient therapeutic facilities.

"We were told he was a normal boy who would have the normal adjustment issues any child in foster care would have," said Melissa Wescott. "We have been his biggest advocates and strongest fighters. But we are scared of him, and that hurts us."

The Wescotts are among a group seeking changes in law to allow adoptive parents to return custody of foster children to the state in specific circumstances.

A legislative Adoption Review Task Force is evaluating issues involving adoptions of children in state custody.

DHS takes the position that adoptive parents are the legal guardians and should be treated as any parent with a biological child.

Some say it is unfair for adoptive parents to be legally punished for not being able to care for a child if severe disabilities not known or disclosed are discovered.

"Do you know how many times we grieved for him? Grieved the loss of him?" said Wescott. "We want the best for him, and that is not in this home."


'Out of options'
The couple understand abused and neglected children will have some emotional issues but requested a child not experiencing severe trauma, said Melissa Wescott.

"We knew what we could handle and what we couldn't," she said. "We had to say no to children who were violent or acting out sexually. We have had experience with children facing physical disabilities and that didn't scare us. But severe mental health, emotional or behavior problems are more crippling for us."

In 2007, the couple found an 8-year-old boy who had been taken from his parents, who had chronic substance abuse problems. By then, he had spent about three years in DHS custody. The World is not disclosing his name to protect his privacy.

DHS disclosure documents call the child "well-behaved" and "polite and well mannered." He is described as "respectful toward authority" and "makes friends easily."

"He has no difficulty with attachments and he knows right from wrong, " the documents state. "He does not demonstrate any significant behavioral problems which would be considered abnormal for a child his age.

"(The child) has not received counseling services and these services have not been indicated as a need for him at this time. (The child) is developmentally appropriate."

While challenges arose the first few months, the couple considered it typical. But problems intensified after signing the DHS disclosure agreement, which states the agency gave all information available to the couple, and final adoption.

It became a daily battle as the child isolated himself and started a pattern of lying, Wescott said.

Several knives and fire-making materials were found under his mattress, and a trash can in his room had been set on fire. He soon was caught killing frogs by throwing them against a barn, and he hurt the family's pet dogs. He attacked a neighbor child with a board, and running away became common, she said.

"No discipline seemed to work," Wescott said. "It's like he had no sympathy or empathy for anything. We tried everything to bond with him, and it's like he's not capable. He has so much rage, anger and hurt."

The foster mother claims she informed DHS of the child's violent behavior, Wescott said. No DHS records reflect any claims made.

DHS officials do not comment on specific cases.

After he ran away in freezing temperatures and three law enforcement agencies were called to search, officers suggested several therapeutic facilities.

"They knew we couldn't do this anymore," she said. "We were out of options. I was scared to death for him and for us."

The Wescotts fear their son's release from in-patient care in mid-January, saying he has made little progress. They would prefer DHS regain custody and place him in a group setting.

The only options are to sue DHS, which they say is too expensive, or risk a felony abandonment charge.

"I believe every child should have a home," Wescott said. "But not every child does well in a mommy-daddy type home. It hurts us to see him like this, but he doesn't want to be with us. We didn't do this to him. This happened before us. We just want him to get the help he needs."

Thank you, Tulsa World, for printing the article about the Wescott family and bringing much needed attention to these important issues regarding adoption in OK. The OK Legislative Adoption Review Task force is comprised mainly of "professionals" who make their living doing adoptions. They are making the recommended changes to the law, not those who are actually touched by it.

The American Adoption Congress, the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, and the Child Welfare League of America all recommend that every task force be comprised fairly to include a majority of those who were either adopted, in foster care, birthfamily, or foster/adoptive families. That is the only way the true issues will be heard and acted upon. These organizations also strongly support the same legislation which six U.S. states have already passed ~ to restore the unconditional right of all adult adoptees to obtain their original birth certificate.

The fact that the federal government offers large financial "incentives" to increase adoptions, along with the misguided financially driven adoption industry, we have created a climate for gross conflict of interest and unethical practices. Pre- and Post-Adoption counseling is a joke, because the information provided is unbalanced and does not fully inform all parties involved about the life-long issues of separation from mothers at birth or childhood, bonding/attachment issues, and adoptee rights or lack thereof.

Utah Couple Forced to Return Baby to Indian Tribe

NICWA responds to Brown’s comments

Story Published: Dec 22, 2008

Recently, national media outlets have reported on the case of an American Indian child who was placed for adoption with a non-Indian couple in Utah. The child is considered a member of the Leech Lake Band of Ojibwe Tribe, and the adoption was facilitated by a private adoption agency in Utah called Heart and Soul. Last week, a Utah state court recognized that the adoption was flawed, and on Sunday night the child was given to the child’s tribe for placement in a home with two of his other siblings.

Coverage by CNN, ABC, and other media concerns has been deeply flawed with ill-informed and sometimes deeply offensive rhetoric. We denounce these comments as the lowest point of journalistic endeavor. The true facts of this case speak volumes, beyond the frenzied attacks of irresponsible media spokespeople. Unfortunately, harmful utterances are common but the recent commentaries and coverage stretch outside the bounds of responsible journalism.

These comments do little to help the adoptive parents, the birth family, tribe, and children involved. The welfare of an American Indian child is at stake, and the painful experiences for all those involved were the result of inappropriate and illegal acts by those who were facilitating this adoption. We believe that once the facts in this case become widely available, viewers and the public will better understand the underlying reasons this event transpired.

Since the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA) of 1978 was specifically cited as a “ridiculous” law and presented in a foolish and negative light, we would like to address the role that ICWA plays and speak to its usefulness.

The National Indian Child Welfare Association (NICWA) – a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of American Indian children and families – deals with these kinds of cases on a regular basis. We have seen ICWA protect children and preserve and strengthen families. NICWA finds that when people who are making decisions that impact the lives of Indian children are committed to working together at an early stage in the private adoption process, these kinds of challenging and difficult decisions do not have to be made.

Following the straightforward adoptive requirements of ICWA is not difficult. It simply requires that the birth parent or parents wait 10 days after giving birth and then go before a judge to certify that the mother does understand and desires to give her child for adoption. After this, the law asks that a placement be pursued that considers the child’s relatives and other Indian families, which would usually mean talking with the birth family and child’s tribe. Following our inquiries into this specific private adoption and its chronology, at this time it appears that none of these actions, which are necessitated by federal law, were performed by the Utah adoption agency in this case.

The delicate issues surrounding adoption deserve every diligence and the free-flowing of information for everyone involved. NICWA is ready to have those conversations, and we remain a resource working with parents, tribal governments, case managers, adoption agencies, attorneys and adoptive families. Our children are a gift from the Creator, and they deserve nothing less than our cooperation, honesty and deepest respect.


Terry L. Cross, MSW, LCSW
NICWA Executive Director
Portland, Ore

Below is an interesting 5-minute listen, which interviews the experiences of
both the adoptive family & the birth mother.

A couple in Utah adopted a son 6 months ago, but the courts have forced
them to return the baby to his birth mother, a member of the Ojibwe
American Indian tribe, in a complicated and emotional case.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=98709433

*After listening to this NPR segment, what struck me the most was the fact that the natural mother of this baby CHANGED HER MIND immediately before or after the baby's birth, but she was still "convinced" by adoption "professionals" to sign the relinquishment forms. If a mother decides against adoption, she should not be influenced by "professionals" who make their living serving potential adoptive couples (their customers) and who benefit financially from adoption. Yet, unfortunately, this occurs more often than anyone wants to admit to. Under pressure of "doing the right thing for the baby" mothers are encouraged to "follow-through" with adoption plans, even when they have strong reservations and are feeling unsupported.

Can an "adoption professional" REALLY ethically counsel a pregnant mother without blatant disregard for the basic principles of "conflict of interest" and "non-directive counseling" which other professional counselors are ethically bound to? The answer is NO.

When natural mothers try to appeal in court, it is usually too late, (who exactly does adoption law serve?), and court proceedings are many times drawn-out to give the adoptive placement the advantage because of the months or years the child is in legal limbo ~ JUST long enough for the courts to determine that the adoptive placement is in the child's "best interest" so as not to disrupt the only home the child has "ever known". Is this really ethical for the child? To be separated & suffer that loss of their natural family when the mother has fought for her child from day one?

Does adoption law adequately protect mothers and children from this happening? NO.

Isn't something terribly wrong here?