February 24, 2008

# The Beauty of Math #

Color pencils on a math
© Photographer: Karenr | Agency: Dreamstime.com
* Beauty of Math!**

> > **1 x 8 + 1 = 9**
> > 12 x 8 + 2 = 98
> > 123 x 8 + 3 = 987
> > 1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
> > 12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
> > 123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
> > 1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
> > 12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
> > 123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
> >
> > 1 x 9 + 2 = 11
> > 12 x 9 + 3 = 111
> > 123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
> > 1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
> > 12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
> > 123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
> > 1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
> > 12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
> > 123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
> >
> > Brilliant, isn't it?
> >
> > And look at this symmetry:
> >
> > 1 x 1 = 1
> > 11 x 11 = 121
> > 111 x 111 = 12321
> > 1111 x 1111 = 1234321
> > 11111 x 11111 = 123454321
> > 111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
> > 1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
> > 11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
> > 111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321

> > Now, take a look at this...

> > 101%

> > From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

> > What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
> >
> > Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

> > We have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER
> > 100%.

> > How about ACHIEVING 101%?

> > What equals 100% in life?

> > Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer these
> > questions:

> > If:
> >
> > A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

> > Is represented as:
> >
> > 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

> > If:

> > H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
> > *
> > *8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

> > And:
> >
> > K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
> > *
> > *11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%**

> > **But:**
> >
> > A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
> > *
> > *1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%**

> > **THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:**\

> > L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
> > *
> > *12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%**

> > **Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:**
> >
> > While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
> > get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!*

February 22, 2008

"Grateful Adoptees"

Warm-hearted
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Just to clarify about the term "grateful adoptee" ~ Here is an exerpt
from the essay posted below defining this term in regards to how the adoption
professionals have termed it. Many times adoptees who openly speak out about open records and life-long implications of adoption experience are termed "angry" or "bitter" adoptees. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Unfortunately, it is another way adoption "professionals" who make their living by brokering adoptions have "coined" the term to protect their personal interests.


...the "good" adoptee (grateful adoptee) is one who does not question

adoptive ties and "… is sensitive to his [adoptive] parents'

needs to make believe he wasn't adopted" (Lifton,

1979, p. 54). Under this definition, "good" adoptees

are grateful for having been saved from orphanhood

and may believe that they do not have the right to feel

dissatisfied in any way simply because they are alive

and have been adopted by people who love them

(Lifton, 1979). Unrestrained curiosity about one's

biological background is not in keeping with the

image of the "good" adoptee. The "bad" adoptee (or "bitter, angry

adoptee"), in contrast, openly communicates his/her interest in

genealogical information. Lifton (1979) argues that

adoptive parents often experience this curiosity as a

betrayal or rejection, due to their unresolved infertility

issues.

Unique Issues of Adult Adoptees

Falling Puzzle
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Unique Issues of Adult Adoptees
by Jennifer Carizey

www.luc.edu/socialwork/praxis/pdfs/vol4_chapter4.pdf

Abstract
The experience of being adopted creates unique life
cycle issues that have been the subject of recent study.
According to the psychodynamic literature, the factor
that has the greatest influence on an adoptee’s life cycle
is the early loss of a primary object (Mother). This loss frequently
affects an adoptee’s ability to form attachments and
develop a coherent adult identity. This paper addresses
the various intrapsychic responses to early loss that
adults who were adopted as children may have, the
unique obstacles they face in forming an integrated
sense of self due to feelings of “differentness” and divided
loyalties, and the impact of the current societal
emphasis of biological ties in definitions of kinship.
Clinical considerations are discussed using self psychology
and object relations frameworks.
Introduction
Traditionally, American culture has communicated
to adopted children that aside from the fact that they
are “chosen children,” their lives and experiences are
just like that of those who are raised by their birth
parents (Silverstein & Kaplan, 1998;Wegar, 1997). In
more recent years, however, theorists, activists, and
adoptees themselves have contested this perspective
and argued that the experience of being an adopted
person is unique and worthy of attention
(Brodzinsky, Smith & Brodzinsky, 1998; Rosenberg,
1992; Wegar, 1997). Numerous studies have
addressed the implications that adoption has on what
has been coined “the adoption circle,” the permanent
and unavoidable interconnectedness of the child’s,
birth parents’, and adoptive parents’ lives (Rosenberg,
1992; Silverstein & Kaplan, 1998). This paper will
focus on the experience of adults who are adopted as
children, the implications that their modified life
cycles may have on selfobject structures and identity
formation, and the influences of the larger sociocultural
context on the experience of being an
adoptee in America. Clinical issues are discussed in
relation to these topics using self psychology and
object relations approaches.
Self psychology is particularly applicable to clinical
work with adult adoptees because of its emphasis on
the repair of injuries resulting from early selfobject
failures. According to self psychologists, the healing
process in psychotherapy begins with the client
using the therapist as a source of soothing selfobject
experiences and ends when structures for self
soothing have been internalized, and the client has
developed the capacity to seek out appropriate selfobjects
in her environment (Cooper & Lesser,
2002). Self psychology recognizes three main types
of selfobject experiences that every person needs in
order to develop a coherent sense of self – twinship
selfobjects, mirroring selfobjects, and idealized selfobjects.
These concepts will be further described in
relation to the identity formation issues with which
adoptees often struggle.
Object relations theory is also useful in psychotherapeutic
work with this population, especially
due to its focus on how the internalization of early
selfobject disappointments impacts one’s psychic
structure. When a person experiences early object
failures or loss, object relations theorists argue, he is
at risk for internalizing these “bad objects” and
developing attachment difficulties. The emphasis
of treatment is to create a therapeutic holding
environment in which the therapist provides a new,
positive object relationship experience for the client
(Brandell & Perlman, 1997).
Loss of a Primary Object:
The Primal Wound
Although circumstances vary according to the age
at which a child is adopted, the holding environment
created by the adoptive parents, and the natural temperament
of the child, the one universal feature of all
adoptions is early loss of a primary object, an experience
referred to as the primal wound (Lifton, 1990;
Rosenberg, 1992). Some researchers argue that
attachment begins in utero and that the loss of a birth
mother due to adoption is experienced as a real loss of
object (Rosenberg, 1992). Others argue that while an
adoptee may not have experienced an intense attachment
to her birth mother before the adoption and
may not, therefore, be consciously aware of this primary
loss, one’s adopted status, alone, contributes to
Fall 2004 • Volume 4 28 PRAXIS
Unique Issues in Psychotherapy with Adult Adoptees
by Jennifer Pineda Carizey
feelings of loss, rejection, and abandonment
(Kirschner, 1990; Rosenberg, 1992; Silverstein &
Kaplan, 1998).
An adoptee’s separation from his birth parents may
cause difficulties in subsequent relationships in terms
of attachment. Some adoptees form attachments to
others in an almost immediate and indiscriminate
manner (Samuel, 2003). In other cases, they may
respond to the loss of a primary object by developing
avoidant defenses that serve to protect them from
future losses or rejection, a pattern that is especially
common among persons who are adopted at an older
age, due to multiple placements or abuse (Silverstein
& Kaplan, 1998). The following narrative from an
adult adoptee illustrates the low intimacy tolerance
experienced by many adoptee clients, regardless of
their age at the time of adoption:
I think we Adoptees have trouble making
and sustaining relationships. We share a
vulnerability to the stresses and strains of
everyday interactions, have real difficulty
forming ties and connections. We need
security and dependency, but try to escape
from it. We seem to need freedom. We
don’t trust people. (Lifton, 1979, p. 65)
Filling in the Gaps: The Creation of
Fantasy Objects
Some adoptees who have limited or no information
about their biological background may experience
their birth parents as significant but elusive so that
they feel compelled to make conjectures about which
characteristics they have inherited from these biological
sources (Rosenberg, 1992). The adoptee may
have considerable difficulty coming to terms with the
loss of her primary object, and create fantasies in an
attempt to repair the unmet selfobject needs that
result from the primal wound (Freeman & Freund,
1998; Lifton, 1990). For example, an adoptee who is
athletic and grows up in a family of artistic intellectuals
may imagine that his birth parents share his
physical talents, thus creating a feeling of connectedness
to his fantasized birth parents.
Fantasy objects may manifest themselves in a
splitting process in which an adoptee attributes positive
characteristics to one set of parents and negative
characteristics to the other set (Kirschner, 1990).
Often, adoptees will create a fantasy involving idealized
birth parents and seek to differentiate between
themselves and their adoptive parents (Silverstein &
Kaplan, 1998). On the other hand, adoptees may
also experience their birth parents as disavowed,
abandoning objects and attribute the positive characteristics
to their adoptive parents. This splitting
between parental sets may impact adoptees’ formations
of self and influence them to disavow these
parts of themselves that they imagine to have inherited
from the “bad” set of parents (Kirschner, 1990;
Rosenberg, 1992). For example, an adoptee who
imagines her birth mother to be a sexually promiscuous
and irresponsible woman may deny her own
sexuality or punish herself for healthy sexual urges
(Rosenberg, 1992).
Existence of a Hole-Object: When the Gap
Remains
Sometimes the objects that adoptees create to
organize their primary loss experiences are vague
due to the lack of internal representations of their
birth parents. In such cases, the created objects may
be beyond conscious awareness so that they are
experienced as missing objects or hole-objects
(Freeman & Freund, 1998). Clients who present
with this hole-object phenomenon may appear to
have a lack of interpersonal attachment. They often
treat significant people in their lives as if they do not
exist or may respond to the loss of an intimate partner
or death of a family member with little to no
reaction (Freeman & Freund, 1998). This phenomenon
clearly impacts the adoptee’s ability to sustain
meaningful interpersonal relationships.
Attachment to Adoptive Parents
The quality of the attachment that develops
between the adoptee and the adoptive parents is a
critical factor in the repair of the primary loss
(Brodzinsky, et. al, 1998; Rosenberg, 1992). This
attachment varies according to the unique characteristics
of both the child and the parents who have elected
to adopt him. The decision to adopt usually occurs
following a certain loss on the part of the prospective
adoptive parents, in that most people choose to adopt
as a result of their being unable to conceive or carry a
biological child to term (Brodzinsky, et al., 1998;
Kupecky & Anderson, 1998; Silverstein & Kaplan,
1998; Rosenberg, 1992). Therefore, the degree to
which the adoptive parents are able to accept and
work through this loss has a strong influence on their
Fall 2004 • Volume 4 29 PRAXIS
Unique Issues in Psychotherapy with Adult Adoptees
ability to create a healthy holding environment for
their adopted child. Adoptive parents who maintain
fantasies about their idealized biological child may
inadvertently create an environment in which an
adopted child experiences rejection due to her inability
to meet the idealized expectations (Silverstein &
Kaplan, 1998), as illustrated in the following comment
from a woman with two adopted children:
I love my two children very much, but I
have an inner fantasy I would never admit
to other adoptive parents…I would like to
see the face and body of the biological
child I couldn’t have. We have gorgeous
people in our family, and bright people
with brilliant minds. I’m sure it would
have been a wonderful child. (Lifton, 1979,
p. 187)
Identity Formation
Identity formation is an issue that is often
addressed in discussions of the adoption experience,
especially that of the adoptee entering the
transition to adulthood. Early adulthood is regarded
as the life cycle stage in which people evaluate the
characteristics and values they have inherited from
their families of origin and decide which aspects to
maintain and which to discard (Urdang, 2002).
This can be a unique struggle for an adoptee.
One issue that is thought to interfere with an
adoptee’s development of a coherent sense of self is
the lack of others with similar physical characteristics
(Lifton, 1979). The capacity to understand
one’s growth into an individuated person is thought
to rely, to a certain degree, on the existence of role
models and twinship selfobjects to whom one can
relate. Twinship is a self psychology concept which
refers to selfobjects that provide a person with a
sense of belonging and sameness, confirming her
place in the world (Cooper & Lesser, 2002; Brandell
& Perlman, 1997). Basch (1992) contends that the
twinship experience is, in essence, the experience of
“being like” the other and is the most important of
the selfobject experiences.
Therefore, the inability of an adoptee to look to
an older adult with whom he may share some physical
sameness may impede the process of identity
formation. This is especially prevalent in cases of
interracial or interethnic adoptions, as illustrated by
the following example of an adult adoptee that was
born in Seoul, South Korea, but grew up in an
Italian American family:
Finding my way through this background—
Korean-Italian-American
adoptee—has been like swinging on a pendulum.
At different stages of my life the
pendulum has swung from my identification
with my Italian American roots over
to my Korean birth and then back again.
(Groza,Houlihan & Rosenberg, 2001, p. 198)
The confusion that results from an adoptee’s feeling
of “differentness” has been coined “genealogical
bewilderment” and refers not only to a physical dissimilarity
but also to a sense of not being with “one’s
own kind” (Lifton, 1979, p. 47). The lack of “being
like” experiences among adult adoptees is demonstrated
in the following narrative from an adult
adoptee:
I never thought I had much in common
with anybody. I had no mother, no father,
no roots, no biological similarities called sisters
and brothers…I wanted to go my own
way. That’s all I think I ever wanted…
(Lifton, 1979, p. 67)
When little information is known about one’s birth
family, the biological component of one’s identity is
missing so that a person effectively borrows the identity
of the adoptive family (Silverstein & Kaplan,
1998). However, adoptees sometimes have difficulty
developing an integrated sense of self without information
about their biological history (Rosenberg,
1998). This “need to know” often leads adoptees to
search for their birth families during early adulthood.
One adult adoptee who searched and received nonidentifying
information about her biological family
described the impact of her first experience with
twinship:
For the first time in my life, I felt physically
attached to someone. The information I
received told me that I look like both my
birth father and birth mother, suffer with her
allergies, and now I understand why I have
such an interest in music. (Schooler, 2001)
In closed adoption cases, adoptees frequently remain
cut off from their heritage and intergenerational line,
Fall 2004 • Volume 4 30 PRAXIS
Unique Issues in Psychotherapy with Adult Adoptees
potentially resulting in a sense of disconnect and
alienation from self (Brodzinsky, et al., 1998).
The development of an integrated sense of self can
also be a challenge in the case of open adoptions or
when a search for one’s birth family results in
increased medical, genetic, or ethno-cultural background
information. Because early adulthood is
marked by the complex process of embracing, modifying,
and discarding certain aspects inherited from
one’s family of origin, this process is further complicated
when a person must contend with two families
of origin – a birth family and an adoptive family. An
adoptee may feel that her life narrative is fragmented
(Lifton, 1990), and is faced with the difficult task of
either disregarding the identity inherited from one
family altogether or integrating the characteristics of
both the birth family and the adoptive family. As a
result, adoptees may feel divided by two identities that
cannot be merged (Partridge, 1991).
When the task of developing an integrated sense of
self is complicated by either a missing frame of reference
or by the existence of two competing backgrounds,
a person’s identity may become fragmented,
resulting in the formation of an adopted self (Lifton,
1990). Adoptees are often implicitly encouraged,
either by the biases conveyed through the closed
adoption system or by the unspoken pressures created
by their adoptive parents’ insecurities, to deny the
part of themselves that comes from their birth family.
This results in a kind of splitting of the self into two
other selves: the false self and the forbidden self. The
false self is the part that pretends to have been born
into the adoptive family and rejects the importance of
a birth heritage. The forbidden self is that part that
still longs for the truth in its quest for an authentic
consolidation of identity (Lifton, 1990).
The Created Meaning of Adoption: Good
Adoptee versus Bad Adoptee
Much of the adoption literature and research that is
available focuses on the way that this population differs
from the general public in terms of mental health,
social adjustment, and life cycle transitions. In fact,
some adoption experts have gone so far as to label
these identified differences in behavior and personality
traits as pathological, coining this phenomenon
the adopted child syndrome (Kirschner, 1990; Wegar,
1997). To date, the available literature lends very little
attention to the ways in which current cultural values
and the social stigmatization of adoption may affect
the ongoing experience of the adoptee.
The life experience of an adoptee raised in America
is complicated by the competing socio-cultural values
that exist regarding the standards of familial loyalty
and the meaning of kinship. A thorough examination
of the adoptee, like the exploration of any human
experience, must be predicated on a person-in-environment
approach. In the case of the adoptee, the
existence of the adoption circle should be recognized.
That is, the interconnectedness of the adoptee’s, birth
parents’ and adoptive parents’ lives must be
acknowledged. However, even the adoption circle
can be understood only in the context of the socially
constructed meaning of the adoption experience.
American culture traditionally emphasizes the
importance of blood ties in the definition of kinship
and, therefore, pathologizes the adoptee experience as
“different” (Rosenberg, 1992). A common argument
in the literature is that “… genealogical knowledge is
necessary for the development of normal identity”
(Wegar, 1997, p. 68). Indeed, the discussion of
identity formation in this very paper has, as its
foundation, the premise that an adopted person’s
struggle for selfhood is markedly distinct from that of
a person for whom blood kinship is a given.
Central to a discussion about the meaning of
adoptee identity are the competing definitions of
the “good” adoptee and the “bad” adoptee which are
largely based on the debate between the adoptee’s
“need to know” and the birth parents’ “right to privacy”
(Rosenberg, 1992). These definitions are not
absolute, but nonetheless have an intense impact on
the way in which an adoptee approaches the task of
identity formation and creates meaning out of his
life experience.
Most adopted adults who are currently seeking psychotherapeutic
treatment were adopted in the closed
adoption system, which is marked by a lack of disclosure
about the adoptee’s birth family (Lifton, 1979;
Wegar, 1997). This system implicitly argues that the
“good” adoptee is one who does not question adoptive
ties and “… is sensitive to his [adoptive] parents’
needs to make believe he wasn’t adopted” (Lifton,
1979, p. 54). Under this definition, “good” adoptees
are grateful for having been saved from orphanhood
and may believe that they do not have the right to feel
dissatisfied in any way simply because they are alive
and have been adopted by people who love them
(Lifton, 1979). Unrestrained curiosity about one’s
Fall 2004 • Volume 4 31 PRAXIS
Unique Issues in Psychotherapy with Adult Adoptees
biological background is not in keeping with the
image of the “good” adoptee. The “bad” adoptee, in
contrast, openly communicates his/her interest in
genealogical information. Lifton (1979) argues that
adoptive parents often experience this curiosity as a
betrayal or rejection, due to their unresolved infertility
issues.
On the other side of the debate is the “search
movement” currently underway in America that
emphasizes the importance of biological ties in
the formation of kinship (Lifton, 1979;
Rosenberg, 1992; Wegar, 1997). Search activists
argue that in order to develop a coherent sense of self,
adoptees must search for and be given genealogical
information, thus appealing to the American value
that kinship is biologically based. Adoptees that lack
genealogical continuity are defined as “other” and
those who do not wish to search for biological kinship
are thought to be even more “different” (Lifton,
1979). Therefore, there is a belief among American
non-adoptees that those adoptees who choose to
search for their birth families are “more like us” in that
they share the “normal” desire for human connectedness
with their own kind (Wegar, 1997, p. 13).
This definition of the “normal” adoptee as one who
is curious is in direct contrast with the definition of
the “good” adoptee who has no interest in the identity
or background of his/her birth family. As a result
of these conflicting standards, adoptees often have
divided loyalties. They are told by American society
that they do not have true kinship in their lives and
are simultaneously discouraged from seeking such
kinship. These competing values may create ambivalence
in adoptees regarding their “need to know.”
Implications for Practice
Beginning Phase of Treatment
Early object loss can affect the treatment process
by influencing the development of a relationship
between the adult adoptee client and the clinician.
The intimacy avoidant ego-defense that can result
from this loss may impede the psychotherapeutic
process because developing trust with the therapist
and forming an effective therapeutic relationship
may be more of a challenge. On the other hand, as
previously discussed, some clients have a tendency
to attach to others quickly and indiscriminately.
This is likely due, in part, to their lack of a mirroring
selfobject during their early years. According to self
psychology, mirroring selfobjects are those which
respond to a person and confirm her innate sense of
capableness, greatness, and perfection (Brandell &
Perlman, 1997; Cooper & Lesser, 2002).
An adult adoptee who has been deprived of a mirroring
selfobject or who continues to suffer from
the primal wound may respond to the therapist’s
empathic ear with an instant idealizing transference.
That is, the client may experience the therapist as “a
powerful and reassuring presence…to whom [she]
can look up [to]” (Brandell & Perlman, 1997, p. 71).
Ideally, a person will later merge with this idealized
selfobject in order to achieve an internal sense of
calm (Brandell & Perlman, 1997). When a person
develops an idealizing transference to her therapist
early on in the treatment, it can be very diagnostic
in regard to a possible lack of these experiences
prior to the therapeutic relationship.
Adoptees’ early object loss may also be a factor in
this population’s widespread tendency to transferentially
experience the therapist as their lost birth
parent or other long-lost relative (Bertocci &
Schechter, 1991; Kirschner, 1990). This can result in
the client experiencing considerable ambivalence
about the psychotherapeutic process due to their
simultaneously occurring desire for attachment and
fear of abandonment.
Middle Phase
The middle phase of treatment with adult
adoptees is often marked by issues of transference
and countertransference, splitting in identity formation,
and an ambivalence about addressing
adoption issues within the psychotherapeutic
process. Transference issues often arise in relation to
the client’s formation of fantasy objects. Fantasy
objects impact the psychotherapeutic process when
the client transfers them onto the therapist, thereby
experiencing the therapist as the “good,” idealized
birth mother, for example. A transference that idealizes
the therapist, however, can quickly change to a
negative transference of the rejecting, abandoning
birth parent when the therapist is unable to meet the
high expectations that have been created by the
adoptee’s fantasized objects (Rosenberg, 1992). The
transference of fantasy objects onto the therapist
often triggers countertransferential responses. At
times, therapists who are faced with clients who want
them to be good birth mothers find that this transfer-
Fall 2004 • Volume 4 32 PRAXIS
Unique Issues in Psychotherapy with Adult Adoptees
ence appeals to their “desire to provide them with
something good” (Samuel, 2003, p. 214), and creates
pressure to satisfy the needs left unfulfilled by
the lost object.
Transference issues may also arise in regard to
clients who present with a hole-object, or a sense of
a missing object. Since hole-objects lack concreteness,
they can manifest in the psychotherapeutic
transference as the client treating the therapist as if
he does not exist; this way of being related to can be
experienced by the therapist as a sense of unreality,
confusion, or a general feeling of disconnect during
interactions with these adoptees (Freeman & Freund,
1998). This, too, can be an obstruction to the maintenance
of the therapeutic alliance and can stunt
treatment progress.
When an adoptee develops an adopted self, which is
split into a false self and a forbidden self, the challenging
process of identity formation is further complicated.
A theoretical approach using object relations
may be effective in psychotherapeutic work with
adoptees who experience this kind of splitting, as this
school of thought holds as one of its primary goals
the modification of intrapsychic splits, including that
which involves the false self (Cooper & Lesser, 2002).
By providing new object experiences in a therapeutic
holding environment, the therapist can assist the
client in building new internal objects to create a
more authentic self.
The process of splitting between the birth parents
and the adoptive parents, often observed among adult
adoptees, can lead to a splitting mechanism in the
psychotherapeutic process as well. This pattern is
referred to as double transference, and occurs when the
client splits the therapist, experiencing her as “all
good” or “all bad,” just as he might experience the
exaggerated demarcation of the parental sets
(Brodzinsky, et al., 1998; Samuel, 2003).
Adoptees that present with identity formation difficulties
due to a fragmented life narrative or divided
loyalties may be helped with a self psychology
approach. A common goal of self psychology treatment
is the development of self cohesion (Pessein &
Young, 1993). Providing empathic attunement to an
adoptee’s selfobject needs may be an effective intervention
in offering a reparative experience in the face
of an adoptee’s early object loss and the subsequent
disintegration of identity (Pessein & Young, 1993).
However, when information on biological origins is
lacking, adoptees may experience obstacles in their
efforts to develop self-cohesion without gaining
access to historical information or actual interaction
with their birth families (Lifton, 1979;Wegar, 1997).
The contradicting societal messages that adult
adoptees receive about the nature of kinship and the
definitions of the “good” adoptee and “bad” adoptee
can create substantial ambivalence regarding the
degree to which their adoption status will be
addressed in the therapy room. This ambivalence can
be dealt with in the therapeutic process by acknowledging
that one’s adoption status is an important
aspect of one’s experience without defining it as “a
pathologically scarring event” (Rosenberg, 1992, p.
148). The unique developmental tasks of adoption
can be normalized for clients without offering a narrow
definition of “normal” (Rosenberg, 1992). For
some adult adoptees, a search for birth parents may
be a necessary step in healing. Other adoptees will be
completely uninterested in gaining knowledge about
their biological background.
When an adoptee client presents his adoption as a
“non-issue,” special challenges are created for the
therapist. Sometimes “good” adoptee clients maintain
that being adopted has caused no discomfort or
confusion in their lives. They may express a lack of
interest in even discussing their adoption status in
psychotherapy sessions. This presentation may stem
from the development of coping skills that minimize
the importance of the adoption in an effort to protect
their adoptive parents from “awareness of wishes and
feelings about the birth parent” (Freeman & Freund,
1998, p. 27). Therapists may choose to “start where
the client is,” therefore respecting the assertion that
their adoption status is of no consequence. On the
other hand, therapists may feel obligated to emphasize,
to some degree, the importance of their clients’
response to the adoption experience, thus risking the
creation of divergent goals.
Traditionally, therapists have erred on the side of
minimizing the impact of adoption on their clients
(Lifton, 1990; Rosenberg, 1992),which has resulted in
their colluding in avoidance and risking repetition of
the empathic failure these clients may have experienced
with their adoptive parents. In a recent empirical study
examining adult adoptees’ and birth parents’ experiences
in psychotherapy, therapists who addressed
adoption as an important clinical issue were perceived
as significantly more helpful compared to those
therapists who did not address the adoption experience
(Sass & Henderson, 2002).
Fall 2004 • Volume 4 33 PRAXIS
Unique Issues in Psychotherapy with Adult Adoptees
Therapists working with adult adoptees must be
aware of the countertransferential reactions that may
be experienced due to their beliefs about kinship,
adoption, and the “need to know.” The literature is
filled with examples of adult adoptee clients who have
received psychotherapeutic treatment from therapists
who failed to initiate explorations of the meaning the
client has given to the adoption experience
(Brodzinsky, et. al, 1998; Freeman & Freund, 1998;
Lifton, 1990; Rosenberg, 1992; Sass & Henderson,
2002). For example, Freeman and Freund (1998)
describe the therapeutic work that was done with
Kathy, a woman who had been in therapy twice before
and whose prior therapists had completely avoided
discussion of her adoption. The third therapist, however,
acknowledged Kathy’s distinct experience as an
adoptee and eventually helped her to address ongoing
issues of insecure attachments, identity confusion,
and fear of abandonment. Through the course of
treatment, Kathy and her therapist learned that these
issues each stemmed, in some way, from Kathy’s personal
narrative about being an adoptee. Had Kathy’s
therapist not been aware of the adult adoptee’s unique
struggle with loss and the impact it has on subsequent
identity formation, Kathy may not have had the
opportunity to integrate her adoption narrative into a
coherent sense of self.
Therapists’ common reluctance to discuss the
impact of adoption may be indicative of their discomfort
with this issue or a lack of knowledge on how to
address the characteristic concerns and developmental
tasks of an adult adoptee. It may be necessary for clinicians
to seek more training about the unique life cycle
of the adoptee in order to better serve this population.
Termination
The primary loss experienced by adoptees may
impact the termination process in psychotherapy. As
is the case with many clients who have a pattern of
difficult separations, there is a risk that adoptees will
experience the ending of a therapeutic relationship as
another rejection or abandonment (Rosenberg,
1992). Psychotherapists must be aware that while the
termination process may be complicated due to
adoptee clients’ proclivity to experience the therapist
as an abandoning object (Siebold, 1991), it simultaneously
creates a unique opportunity to rework the
client’s experience of separation and loss in a safe,
empathic environment.
Conclusion
The issues of loss, attachment, and identity formation
are common themes that arise in psychotherapeutic
practice. Adult adoptees typically present with
these intrapsychic themes that can be effectively
addressed in the course of therapy. Additionally, the
psychotherapeutic process can serve as a safe environment
in which to explore the meaning that has been
attributed to being an adoptee in America, an issue
that seems to have been largely neglected in existing
literature and current practice. Through an awareness
of the common reactions to loss among this population,
as well as a thorough understanding of the
socio-cultural forces that impact the adoptee experience,
psychotherapists can assist adult adoptees in
modifying internalized object structures and healing
the primal wound.

February 21, 2008

"Raised From The Dead"

Old hands
© Photographer: Nejron | Agency: Dreamstime.com

http://www1.wsvn.com/features/articles/specialreport/MI75423

Raised From The Dead
Is it a medical mystery or a miracle? A South Florida man pronounced dead from a massive heart attack and then brought back to life. His doctor says the man was raised from the dead by a simple prayer. Seven's Louis Aguirre has the story.

WSVN -- Dr. Chauncey Crandall isn't your usual doctor. The world-renowned cardiologist is a man of medicine and science, but he's also a man of faith.

Dr. Chauncey Crandall: "If you come in with a problem into our service, we are definitely going to treat you with conventional medicine, but we are going to believe it too. We are going to attack it with conventional medicine, and we are going to attack it with prayer."

He calls himself the Christian physician because he prays with each heart patient he sees at his Palm Beach practice. The difference, he says, is dramatic.

Dr. Chauncey Crandall: "The reason I pray for people is because I found, early in my trained practice, that there were miracles, unexplained healings."

But even his strong faith could not prepare him for what would happen the day Jeff Markin walked into the Palm Beach Gardens emergency room.

Jeff Markin: "I drove to the Garden's Hospital, went in, took out my wallet and fell on the floor with a massive heart attack."

For 40 minutes doctors and nurses in the ER tried to revive him. When they couldn't get his heart started again they called for Dr. Crandall, who was doing rounds in the hospital at the time.

Dr. Chauncey Crandall: "As I entered the ER it was like a war zone. Here was this lifeless body on a stretcher."

The doctor couldn't do anything and could only confirm what everyone already knew, Jeff was dead. He had gone almost an hour without a heartbeat, and his body was starting to decompose.

Dr. Chauncey Crandall: "His face, his arms, his legs were pitch black with death. I said, 'Let's just call the code, let's end it because there's no life left.'"

As Dr. Crandall turned to leave, he says he got another call this time, a call from God to pray.

Dr. Chauncey Crandall: "A voice told me to turn around and pray for that man. I looked down at the body, and I said, 'Lord, what can I pray for this man? He's gone.' All of a sudden these words came out, 'Father, I cry out for this man's soul, if he does not know, you raise him from the dead.'"

Despite protests from doctors and nurses who were preparing Jeff's body for the morgue, doctor Crandall insisted they shock him one more time.

Dr. Chauncey Crandall: "So that doctor came over with those paddles and blasted that man and, all of a sudden, instantly a perfect heartbeat came up on the monitor. The stomach started moving, the chest started moving. This man started breathing on his own, and I said, 'This man has been prayed for, he has been brought back from the dead by prayer in the name of Jesus.'"

Louis Aguirre: "So where was Jeff during all of this? He believes he left his body and crossed over to the after life."

Jeff Markin: "I was actually standing in the back of the funeral home, and I came to realize that this was my funeral.

But, in the middle of sitting alone in darkness, Jeff says a figure suddenly appeared to him.

Jeff Markin: "There was a figure that identified himself as Bob, and he was going to make sure that everything was going to be OK. I'm figuring that was my guardian angel. At that time, a very peaceful feeling and very relaxed feeling came over me, and then he said he had to go and, the next thing I know, I woke up in my daughter's arms."

He woke up to a second chance, one that can't be explained by medicine or science. As Dr. Crandall puts it, the only answer is divine intervention.

Dr. Chauncey Crandall: "You are speaking to a scientist, a cardiologist, someone who loves medicine. I've never, ever seen this. There are always people that do not believe these events, and I will just tell them that it did happen. It was a real story, a real life that was restored."

Jeff wasn't exactly a believer before that day. He didn't regularly attend church or read the Bible, but this experience has made him believe there is a higher purpose for his life.

Jeff Markin: "I feel like maybe I am supposed to be a messenger. I want to get the right message across that miracles do happen."

A miracle that brought him life after death.

Jeff Markin: "I'm so happy I have a second chance."

Louis Aguirre: "Jeff says he is now attending church mainly because he wants to figure out why he was chosen for a second chance at life."

February 14, 2008

My NICU Heart


My son was born three months early (his due date was April 8th ~ (Passover), but he was born on Jan. 14th, and only weighed a pound...he's a miracle from God that I am astounded by every day. It was the hardest thing in the world to leave him at the hospital every night and not be able to hold him in my arms. To watch him lay there with tubes and wires coming out everywhere to help him breathe, eat, and grow...

He turned one month old on Valentine's Day 2005 and weighed barely 2 pounds. It was on that day that he contracted a severe staph infection in the hospital and fought for his life, literally. Needless to say, Valentine's Day will always have a new memory for us, but I thank God every day for fighting for my son's life and showing me what LOVE is all about. I'll never forget spending Valentine's evening sitting in the NICU waiting room while doctors fought to save my son's life. Watching delivery after delivery of flowers streaming through the hospital entrance as my husband and I sat in prayerful pained silence. It wasn't until two weeks later (and many transfusions and strong antibiotics) did Andrew's blood cultures finally come back "negative" for infection ~ the date was February 28, 2005 ~ the anniversary of my First Mother's death. All these dates completely amaze me. Passover (in the Old Testament) was when the Isrealites applied the blood of a lamb over the door of their homes, and death "passed over" them and they were protected. This reminds me of when my Mom went through a stem-cell transplant in 1998. We had a radio in her hospital room playing healing scriptures and songs the entire time, and the minute they started the stem-cell transfusion of blood after weeks of chemo, the song "There is Power in the Blood" happened to begin playing. Even though she was very groggy from pain meds, Mom immediately perked up and commented on the timing. It was as if God was reassuring us that Jesus' Blood, His stripes truly do hold all power and bring Healing. Just like the Isrealites found in the O.T.

I feel like God was speaking to me of His redemptive LOVE through this ordeal. The enemy of our souls fights LOVE, and seeks to destroy us. Satan sent this horrible staph infection on the actual day of Love, to steal from us. BUT GOD showed Himself so strong and faithful. On the day I grieve over the loss of my First Mother, God brought LIFE again, through the birth and healing of my precious son. Not even death can keep us from the Love of God, and He brings LIFE into the dead parts of us. His Love triumphed, yet again. Thank you, Jesus, that your mercies are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness.

Exactly a year later, God provided a new house for us. We happened to make an offer for our home on Andrew's 1st Birthday, and we closed on the house on February 14th! Who would have thought, a year earlier, as we sat in that waiting room, that God would bring us through AND provide everything we would need. I am in awe, and reminded that I have to keep trusting God as the journey continues.



MY NICU HEART

I came into the world a little early
enough to cause me pain
But HIS healing held me close
from my very first breath

Someday I may know why
but for now I'll have to wonder
why I had to start my life
with such a monumental struggle

But for now I will live my life
to the fullest every day
knowing that my NICU heart
will guide me all the way

You see there's something very special
that God has given me
something that puts a smile on
my mommy and daddy's face
and that something sets me free

My NICU Heart ~ God gave me there
the strong-willed strength to thrive
it makes me restless & persistent, and
so thankful I'm alive!

I want to climb and sing
and dance ~
and ask again for more

My NICU Heart
oh, how it makes me want to fly
to scale a mountaintop
to breathe in all that I can
to swim to the depths of the ocean
to run across the land

It's because My NICU heart
the one that God gave me
makes me fearless
and is the one that makes me ~ me

because I know how much it means
to run & jump ~ to laugh & smile
to know that every beat
has become a precious sound
though I was once so weak

My NICU heart as it beats in my chest
will always make me want God more
because of all that I've been through
I know that's what makes life worth living for.

February 13, 2008

"As If"

Big ball of Yarn
© Photographer: Thirdlife | Agency: Dreamstime.com
It is amazing how cathartic a blog can be. Just to be anonymous and be able to say whatever you've been "holding in" for alittle too long. Being real.

I think if I had read this blog even just 5 or 6 years ago I would be appalled. I remember when first finding my natural family (I would have never called them that ~ they would have been my 'birthfamily') I told them, as well as my adoptive family that I felt "doubly blessed" ~ that God loved me SOOOOO much that He Divinely took me out of one family and put me in another ~ the one He wanted me to be in. When I was reunited, I told myself that I had GAINED two wonderful families and that I had not lost anything in that equation ~ yep.

Well, now, 17 years later, I realize that was my way of coping with the confusion and loss I had "stuffed" for many years ~ and that, indeed, I DID lose in the equation. How could I have not? I lost my original family, name, identity, heritage, lineage, relationships, mother. To think or say anything less is not reality. I lost alot. And I had closed off my heart to really feel in the process of coping.

I also gained so many blessings ~ too many to even count. And God's faithfulness was REAL through all the years. But because adoptees are many times expected to shut off any "negative" emotions regarding their adoption ~ and CELEBRATE, like everyone else, they can essentially live as "half" beings ~ clutching on to the notion that they are "chosen", "lucky", etc. and stuffing the natural feelings of loss that are inherent in the situation.

It is kind of like asking a child to tolerate balloons, streamers, blow horns and confetti and cake (party hardy) at a funeral. That's how ludicrous. Every adoptee has lost their mother. Their original life that God intended. Life happens. And loss happens. And adoptees need validation for that loss, not "gotcha" parties. True, adoption can be a great blessing of gaining a family, but it never negates that first and life-long loss.

I just want to make it clear that I LOVE MY Mother ~ my Adoptive Mother. When I say that "you can't be a mother without childbirth" (debate city, I know), I don't mean that there isn't great love, great nurturing, great attachment possible. My Mom and I still have a close relationship and she is my "MOM", all I've ever known, and loved. She's my son's "Grandma" and a great one at that. I pray for her daily and nag her to take care of herself and get massages! lol (She has arthritis). I secretly worry about her and don't want to ever lose her. She's the one who is always there for me. And always has been. For years I wore myself out worrying, actually. But I have had to reprioritize after my son was born because of the energy needed. And I just have to trust God to take care of her, and all my family. The last three years, God has been answering my prayer to learn how to TRUST, because I was helpless, and should have learned that years ago. Tears.

Adoption decrees state that when an adoptive parent adopts a child, that legally that child is "as if" born to the adoptive parents. "As if" is the key. Might as well say, "as if, but not", because that is what it implies. There are DIFFERENCES inherent from the get-go ~ and the healthy approach is to realize, acknowledge, and be proactive in those differences in an adoptive family. The adoptive parent has to grieve the fact that this child IS NOT their biological child ~ the adoptee must (at some point in their life) grieve that their new parents are NOT their biological parents ~ and of course, the natural mother has grief too. And not just surface grief that can be dealt with in a couple of counseling sessions, either. This is life-long stuff.

I think this blog can seem harsh, and I'm sorry. It is just the result of years of being "quiet" inside, and then finally realizing and grieving the pain society had not allowed this adoptee to express or even conciously feel. I have so many other aspects of life that I could be writing about, and hopefully will. But the blog is focused on these passionate issues that I live with personally, every day. Every day I navigate feelings of "family", identity, loss, gain, bringing them all together ~ (Holidays can be crazy) ~ because I have two families ~ and that doesn't include inlaws, outlaws, and friends! Adoptees work extremely hard at trying not to step on anyones toes. This blog is an outlet.

I've heard it said that adoption loss emotion is comparable to trying to untangle a huge ball of yarn, without knowing the beginning or end. And it is so true...

February 11, 2008

I'm Invisible

I'm Invisible

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the

lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while

I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.


Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the

phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone,or cooking,

or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner,

because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom.


Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more:

Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?


Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a

human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?'

I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the

Disney Channel ?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'


I was certain that these were the hands that once

held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that

graduated summa cum laude - but now they had

disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's

going, she's going, she's gone!


One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of

a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous

trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was

sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It

was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my

out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could

find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a hair clip and

I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling

pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped

package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great

cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I

read her inscription: 'To Charlotte , with admiration for the

greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'



In the days ahead I wo uld read - no, devour - the

book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing

truths, after which I could pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record

of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never

see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the

eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man

who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a

workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and

asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird

into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.'

And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'


I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall

into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering

to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you ma ke every day,

even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no

sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to

notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't

see right now what it will become.'


At times, my invisibility feels like an

affliction . But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the

cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to

my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see

myself as a great builder. As one of the people

who show up at a job that they will never see

finished, to work on something that their name will ne v er be on. The

writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be

built in our lifetime, because there are so few people willing to

sacrifice to that degree.


When I really think about it, I don't want my son

to tell the friend he's bringing home for

Thanksgiving, 'My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade

pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all

the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself.

I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there

is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it

there.'


As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We

cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very

possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at

the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of

invisible women.

February 10, 2008

On Infertility

Dried soil
© Photographer: Mcech | Agency: Dreamstime.com
Many of my posts may sound pretty harsh toward those who suffer from infertility. It isn't meant to be uncompassionate, though. It is just reality from the eyes of the "product" of a business-run adoption industry whose main customers are infertile couples who become alittle TOO desperate for children. Like a famous woman in the Bible, many go so far as to say, "Give me children, lest I die."

I once got a message from a lady who was infertile and trying to adopt ~ it was full of rage and anger at me, saying that I had no idea what it felt like to be infertile and go through years and years of testing and horrible procedures with no child.

It was so sad to me, because actually, I do understand that pain. I wasn't physically barren, NO, but I was emotionally barren for many years. When I found out that my first mother passed away from breast cancer at the age of 32, I allowed great fear to come upon me. All through my young adult life, this fear ruled me and kept me from being brave enough to have children. I was married 14 years before my first child was born, because I was so frightened. So I do know the PAIN of watching all my friends have children and not having my own. I felt the sting of judgement and being different and childless. The feeling of saddness at watching other families become "complete" with the joy that children bring. It was heartbreaking for me ~ but I already knew PAIN from not having my own biological family, in the first place (being adopted), and therefore, it was just one more layer of that pain that I endured. I was used to it. Sadly.

Precisely because I already KNEW the pain of not having biological family, is why I never considered adopting. I couldn't bring myself to do THAT again. Why would I? I knew it wouldn't "fix" my problem of not having my own offspring anyway. My husband and I did work as respite foster parents for awhile, and it was a blessing to have these children in our home and lives. But we knew they weren't ours from the get-go. And we tried to help them gain self-confidence and love through the time we knew them, helping them overcome the KNOWN loss they had already experienced in their lives ~ namely the loss of their family.

Where adoption gets deceptive is in the fact that adoptees are asked to play the role of someone they aren't and can never be. The children of others. The children who are asked to ignore suffered loss, and are legally transferred to "parents" who really AREN'T there's. But pretend. To me, that is the cloak of shame and abuse in the adoptee's life. It is the cloak of shame over the adoptive parent, because they know they are also playing pretend. Yes, we can LOVE and ENJOY and THRIVE in our new adoptive families, but it NEVER takes the place or erases the primal wound and pain that is reality.

And the adoptee can NEVER replace the biological child that the infertile couple hopes and dreams for, and attempts to fill with the child of adoption. Thus, we have unspoken pain brewing in all our hearts lifelong.

In Jeanne Stevenson-Moessner's book, "The Spirit of Adoption", she says, "...we cannot simply celebrate with these joyous biblical stories (of barren women who prayed for a child and became pregnant and gave birth), for that would gloss over the pain of infertility...nor can we end our reading of the text with the biblical women, because there is not one woman recorded in either the Old or New Testament who, desirous of progency, remained barren. There is not one model, mentor, or mother in Scripture with whom modern-day infertile women can connect."

I completely DISAGREE with this statement, and the entire book's philosophy. Maybe God DID answer every barren woman in scripture who called out to Him with a pregnancy and children of her own BECAUSE He wanted THEM to be the mentors, the role-models, the MOTHERS in scripture with whom modern-day infertile women COULD connect. Maybe His ultimate desire and plan is to HEAL infertile women and answer their longings with MIRACLE children of their own womb! Isn't that a novel thought!

Instead, the discouraged infertile woman will many times give up on a miracle and instead call a chance to adopt their answer. When really, it isn't the same, and everyone knows it. That is why I've heard Christians try to justify it with "Adoption is NOT God's Second Best ~ It is His First Best". Excuse me, but that makes no sense whatsoever. It is not His Highest Will for a child to LOSE their Mother, and a Mother to LOSE her child, so that an adoptive parent can benefit. That is blasphemous and offensive to Scripture and to God's creation.

I just wanted to address the whole infertility issue, because YES, I have experienced the searing saddness of being childless, for many, many years. But I never thought that could give me the excuse of taking a newborn baby from it's Mother, and call it my own. I was willing to spend my entire life with the REALITY that nothing could make me a true Mother except child-birth. But I found a group at my church that prayed and believed God for infertile women to conceive and have children. I swallowed my pride and fear, knowing I was emotionally barren and filled with paralyzing fear. I sat through many services with tears running down my cheeks because I so wanted to be free (and still do) and called out to God to TEACH me to trust Him.

I thank God He heard and answered my cry, and delivered me from my fears ~ even through the fear-filled valley of a premature delivery and all it's implications. But it was and is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I just sit and smell my son's hair, wanting to soak it up into my very core ~ my miracle. He is the ONLY biological relative I have that I can experience a "normal" familial relationship with ~ and it is pure Heaven. Thank you, God.

February 8, 2008

"For the Love of Anna Mae" ~ Another Look at "Contested" Adoptions

This article highlights yet another example of unethical adoption laws, especially regarding "failed" adoption custody battles. If the best interest of the child (rather than the prospective adoptive parents) was truly upheld, the "contested adoption" laws would be written to protect the child from a long drawn-out court battle. It seems in today's adoption code world, the unspoken goal is keeping the child in the adoptive home (through delays in the court process) just long enough to pop out the "best interest" argument for the child to stay with "the only family they have ever known."

No...if the child's rights and best interest was respected, the court system would not be allowed by law to post-pone and delay court hearings for years and years, and give the "professionals" this excuse....I have personally seen and heard adoption professionals in their meetings talking about passing legislation in their states to ensure this "best interest" custody hearing will trump any "failed" adoption ruling....this is just wrong. Anna Mae could have been reunited with her family years earlier, as well as many others who have been in this same situation.

> http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=4250114&page=1
> Watch the story Friday on '20/20' at 10 p.m. ET
>
> For the Love of Anna Mae
> Two Families Come Together After Custody Battle, Only to Be Torn
Apart
>
> At first glance, Anna Mae He is a typical American 9-year-old girl.
> She thinks Hannah Montana is cool (but can't tell you why); she
skates
> around on retractable roller skate shoes, and at every opportunity
she
> pulls out her Game Boy. She likes to read, is a straight-A student
and
> wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up.
>
> But behind her shy smile and expressive eyes, there's a little girl
> who is torn between two families, two cultures and two countries.
The
> centerpiece in a bitter custody battle, Anna Mae saw her world
turned
> upside down last July when the Tennessee Supreme Court, in a
stunning
> decision, ruled that she had to leave the family who raised her and
> live instead with a family she barely knew.
>
> On Jan. 28, 1999, Anna Mae was born to Jack and Casey He, a young
> Chinese couple who had recently come to the United States so that
Jack
> could pursue a doctorate at the University of Memphis in Tennessee.
>
> Several months before Anna Mae's birth, a female student accused
Jack
> He of sexually assaulting her on campus. Although later acquitted of
> the charges, Jack He lost his position at the university and his
> student visa was revoked. The couple's income dropped to about $400
a
> month.
>
> When Anna Mae was born a month premature, the Hes worried that they
> could not pay her medical bills. They needed help and sought a
family
> who could care for their daughter while they tried to resolve their
> financial and legal difficulties.
>
> The Hes contacted Mid-South Christian Services, an adoption and
family
> services agency who introduced them to Jerry and Louise Baker, a
> Christian, middle-class family raising children of their own in the
> Memphis suburbs.
>
> The Bakers agreed to care for Anna Mae for 90 days, but when the
Hes,
> still facing financial hardships, weren't ready to take her back,
they
> agreed to sign a consent order awarding custody to the Bakers.
> According to the Hes, it was a temporary arrangement so that Anna
Mae
> could have health insurance. According to the Bakers, both families
> had agreed that the Bakers would raise Anna Mae through adolescence.
>
> The Hes' weekly visits to see Anna Mae became more and more tense.
> "When [Anna Mae] was having her second birthday, we went to visit
her
> at [the] Bakers' house," said Jack He. "We had agreement to take her
> to [a photo] studio for picture taking. The Bakers refused. The
Bakers
> called the police to remove us.... Ever since then we could not see
our
> child."
>
> But according to the Bakers, the Hes were creating a disturbance in
> their home and the police simply escorted them outside. "We never
told
> them not to come back, and that policeman never told them not to
come
> back," said Jerry Baker.
>
> A month later, the Hes tried to reclaim custody of Anna Mae, hoping
to
> send her to China to stay with relatives until they were able to
care
> for her themselves.
> The Bakers were convinced they could offer Anna Mae a better life in
> Memphis, so they filed a petition to adopt her. It was the beginning
> of a battle that would last more than six years.
>
> "We had [the] American dream before we came here," Jack He said. "We
> thought that America is a country of freedom, human rights,
democracy.
> We thought equality -- everybody the same, equally treated. In our
> family the American dream was broken by this story. Crushed --
American
> dream."
>
> The case moved through the courts, and in 2004, Tennessee Circuit
> Judge Robert Childers delivered a devastating blow to the Hes.
> Childers found that Anna Mae was "in a strongly bonded, deep-seated,
> healthy relationship with the Baker family." He said that breaking
the
> bond with the Bakers would cause Anna Mae substantial harm. Childers
> ordered that the Hes' parental rights be terminated and gave full
> custody to the Bakers.
>
> "Jerry sat down and cried, and I started jumping up and down," said
> Louise Baker.
>
> But the Hes had quite a different reaction. "We could not believe
it,"
> said Jack He. "We were shocked.... This is just the beginning of the
> battle.... We are determined to fight one year, two year, three
years,
> until justice comes."
>
> It took more three more years, years in which Anna Mae bonded even
> more closely with Bakers, and the Hes worried that they might never
> see their daughter again. Finally, on Jan. 23, 2007, just five days
> before Anna Mae's eighth birthday, the Tennessee Supreme Court
issued
> a stunning decision. It determined that the lower courts had erred
and
> that Anna Mae belonged with her biological family.
>
> "I [will] always remember that day," said Jack He "I said justice
> prevails. Justice prevails."
>
> "We were unprepared, which is foolish, but we were," said Jerry
Baker.
> "We just knew that no one could ever remove this child from our
home,
> and we were wrong."
>
> The Bakers struggled with how best to tell Anna Mae that she would
> have to leave her home to go live with a family she barely
knew. "The
> night that we told her ... she crawled up in my arms," recalled
Louise
> Baker. "And she said, 'Hold me like a baby, Mommy.' And I put her in
> my arms and held her, and I said, 'I love you, Anna.' She looked up
at
> me and smiled. She said 'I love you, too.' And tears just started
> rolling down her face."
>
> "When the decision was made to move Anna ... she was inconsolable,
> because she had no control, she had lost every bit of control in her
> life," said Debbie Grabarkiewcz, a child advocacy specialist with A
> Child's Best Interest, who has worked with Anna for the past three
> years. "And that's what these courts do to these kids .... Anna will
pay
> the greatest price."
>
> In July of 2007, Anna Mae was reunited with her biological parents
and
> her little brother, Andy, and sister Avita. It was a transition that
> both the Hes and the Bakers found heartwrenching.
>
> At first, Anna Mae seemed angry and withdrawn, refusing to eat,
drink
> or sleep in her bed. She said she was afraid her birth parents were
> going to poison her. She also told the Hes that she was afraid of
> going to China. "She used to think that China was a remote, foreign
or
> weird country," said Jack He.
>
> But then, a turning point. According to the Hes, Anna Mae had
secretly
> drawn a picture of two little girls holding hands, standing in a bed
> of flowers. It was a picture of Anna Mae and the Bakers' youngest
> daughter, Aimee, who had been Anna Mae's closest friend and
companion
> for most of her life.
>
> When the Hes found the picture, they had a talk with Anna Mae. "We
> love you.... We want to make you happy," said Jack He. "You want to
see
> Aimee? If you miss Aimee...we encourage that. We understand that. So
we
> are going to make arrangements for you to see Aimee."
>
> Aimee was invited for a visit and then sleepovers, and from that
point
> on, say the Hes, Anna Mae began to trust them and to open up.
>
> "[Anna Mae] came to me while I was eating my dinner.... She asked me
how
> to say 'mommy' in Chinese and 'daddy' in Chinese," said Jack He. "I
> said, 'In Chinese, daddy, we say, baba, baba. Mommy is mama.' And in
a
> couple of days after that, she began to address us as Baba and Mama.
> And I think that's the most amazing moment."
>
> Jack He realized that instead of maintaining the wall that existed
for
> so long between his family and the Bakers, it was important to open
a
> window so that both families could love Anna Mae and she would no
> longer feel torn between them.
>
> "I think for the best interest of a child," Jack He said. "You know,
> Anna loves the Bakers. And if I say something or do something
negative
> about the Bakers, it means I'm holding [back] Anna. And I don't want
> to do that. We just move on and take care of the child."
>
> Last month, the Hes extended an invitation to the Bakers to help
them
> celebrate Anna Mae's ninth birthday, even though the Hes had not
> celebrated a birthday with Anna Mae since she was a year old. They
> asked only that the Bakers try to contain their emotions, and not to
> refer to themselves as mommy and daddy, but rather respect the Hes'
> parental rights. The Bakers agreed.
>
> "What's happened in the past is in the past," said Jerry Baker.
"We're
> very grateful to the Hes for allowing us the opportunity to start a
> dialogue with them."
>
> But even as Anna Mae was experiencing the love of both families for
> the first time, she was facing another dramatic change. The Hes, who
> had been granted temporary permission to stay in the country until
the
> custody hearings were completed, were facing deportation back to
> China. Instead of waiting to be deported, they decided to leave the
> U.S. voluntarily.
>
> For the Bakers, it was as if they were reliving a nightmare: Having
> just reunited with Anna, they were about to lose her again. The Hes
> are planning to leave for China on Feb. 9, and once out of the
> country, there's no guarantee when, or even if, they can return.
>
> "What we're hoping is that ... American people might step up and the
Hes
> should be allowed to remain in the United States," said Jerry Baker.
> "They should be allowed to earn a decent living.... Our hope is that
> they will be allowed to return."
>
> The Bakers, who once fought to have the Hes deported, are now asking
> the government to find a way to let them stay.
>
> "I truly do believe that you have two mothers that love the same
> child," said Jerry Baker. "I truly do."

February 7, 2008

An Interesting Twist

Client Twist
© Photographer: Lumaxart2d | Agency: Dreamstime.com
All I can say is Whoa....

Ark. court: Lawsuit against dr. who revealed adoption can proceed

Wednesday, February 6, 2008 4:45 PM CST

LITTLE ROCK - A Fort Smith woman's lawsuit against a doctor she
accused of releasing her personal and medical information to the
couple who adopted her daughter can move forward, the Arkansas Court
of Appeals ruled Wednesday.

Angela Floyd said the couple used the information to contact her and
threaten to reveal the adoption that she tried to keep secret unless
she told her daughter she didn't want a relationship with her.

The appeals court reversed a Sebastian County circuit judge's
dismissal of Floyd's lawsuit against Dr. Samuel Koenig III, rejecting
the judge's decision that the lawsuit was filed too late.

Floyd said Koenig was her doctor when she became pregnant with her
second child in 1987 and during a prenatal visit suggested she
consider giving the child up for adoption. Koenig said he knew a
family who would like to adopt the child, and she agreed to the
adoption.

She moved from Fort Smith to Tulsa, Okla., to keep her prenancy a
secret and agreed to the adoption in 1988. She moved back to Fort
Smith and got married in 2003, but neither her husband or her first-
born child knew she had given up the daughter for adoption.

In 2006, the woman said she was contacted by Greg Whitsett, the
adoptive father, and learned that in 1997 Koenig had released her
medical records, family history, address, Social Security number and
other identifying information.

Whitsett told the biological mother to tell her daughter she didn't
want a relationship with her and threatened to reveal the adoption to
her husband and son. Afterward, she told her husband and son about the
adoption.

Is Emily the REAL Culprit?

It was him
© Photographer: Prawny | Agency: Dreamstime.com
My opinion may not be the popular one, but here goes....

The INHERENT problems and abuses in adoption today ~ namely, the "business" aspect of the entire process ~ the supply/demand philosophy which permeates society (they DESERVE a baby) ~ the common sense reality that adoption is really not in the BEST interest of children (let's be honest here and admit that in reality it IS the 2nd best (or maybe even 3rd or 4th) way to help children and families ~ not the 1st ~ God INTENDED for mothers/children to be together and doesn't "place" babies in the wrong womb so that infertiles can "parent" ~ this popular feel-good adoption philosphy is ludicrous and offending ~ Adoption is NOT the way to "Grow a family" ~ Unfortunately, adoption's main purpose has morphed into fulfilling the desires of adults, rather than to care for children who truly need homes (if all those on "waiting lists" and who have their "profiles" plastered all over the web would take in a child in foster care, or a special needs child, or a true orphan who still sits because of their "advanced" age, we wouldn't be having this discussion ~ instead, marketing and advertising, paying big bucks, going overseas to get the fresh ones ~ This is wrong and is indicative of the fact that children are in fact, commodities in this "business" cloaked by "charitable intentions" & tax-credits.

I say all that (in a long ramble, I admit ~ not trying to get an "A" in symantics here) to say that this article only stands to SUPPORT these thoughts. If there was not fierce COMPETITION in the business of adoption, there would be no reason for women to scam. It is the NATURAL outcome of a business-run industry. Sorry, folks.

Therefore, I don't feel sorry for these poor prospective adoptive couples in the least. It happens. Just like many tell adoptees that we should just "get over it" and "go on with our lives" I will give the same advice. It doesn't feel very validating does it? These scams will only CONTINUE and maybe they should ~ to possibly bring light to the truth of the whole issue and unethical ways in which we treat children. Kind of like puppies that can be bought and sold or swapped from their mother to owner (at least they get weaning time, and pedigree papers), sealing and changing adoptee identities for life, and refusing to adequately acknowledge or educate the "customers" about the real issues they will be dealing with lifelong and generations after them.

I truly think if we started hand-cuffing and toting off to jail unethical adoption "professionals" we'd enjoy a much healthier society ~ but instead people get all excited over this? What's wrong with that picture?

newsday.com/news/columnists/ny-lijoy065566128feb06,0,1408489.column

Adoption advocates hail scammer's prison sentence

Joye Brown

February 6, 2008

The word spread quickly that Emily Singer of Long Island finally was
in handcuffs and on her way to prison.

"This is a great Monday!!" Lynne Banks, an advocate for couples
victimized by adoption scam artists, posted on a Yahoo group board
hours after Singer was sentenced in Riverhead Monday.

"We've been trying to do something about her for years," Banks, a
founder of adoptionscams.net, said in an interview Monday.

Banks lives in South Dakota; but the word traveled to adoption
advocates and hopeful parents from Ohio to Pennsylvania, Tennessee to
Arizona.

More than anything, Emily Singer is guilty of cruelty - to couples who
prayed for a miracle in the form of a pregnant woman looking for a
good home for babies she couldn't keep.

She's a woman, authorities say, who trekked about the country,
scanning newspaper ads, the Internet and telephone books, searching
for couples and adoption agencies. She promised to turn over her
babies, according to prosecutors and interviews with couples, in
return for living expenses.

Over time, they said, couples and adoption agencies fronted money for
transportation, motels, a cell phone from Radio Shack, Singer's
favorite double lattes from Starbucks, sneakers from Wal-Mart, toys
and diapers for her older children. She asked one couple to pay for
her prescription glasses and, when they refused, threatened to shop
one unborn baby elsewhere, authorities said.

The law, rightly, allows women to change their minds about giving
their children up for adoption. It is not uncommon for a woman to
accept financial help from agencies and couples and then decide to
keep her newborn.

But Singer, according to Suffolk Assistant District Attorney John
Scarglato, never intended to give up any of the babies born to her in
2002, 2004, 2006 and 2007. Authorities in Suffolk said they could find
nothing in the state criminal statutes to cover much of what Singer
did. Finally, they charged her with larceny, said Suffolk District
Attorney Thomas Spota.

"She took more than money from her victims," Scarglato said, noting
that she had received between $4,000 and $7,000 in lattes, groceries,
diapers and other items covered in the charges to which she pleaded
guilty. "But we could charge her with taking the money."

"We sent her a plane ticket and when she got here, we put her up in
one of our apartments," said Maxine Seiler, who runs an adoption
agency in Texas. "She up one day and left and we found a stack of
telephone books with adoption agencies marked in them." The agency
believes she moved on to Utah.

Banks said Singer was well known in national adoption circles because
she "usually used her real name and the real names of her children."

At each step along the way, according to prosecutors, Singer, 27, told
more than one agency or prospective parent that her child would be
placed for adoption.

By the time her third child was born, she had contacted couples in
Suffolk, Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Arizona and North Carolina,
according to prosecutors and interviews with adoption advocates and
agencies.

The DA's office began an undercover investigation, and was stunned to
learn last year that she was pregnant again, and again had offered the
child to a Suffolk couple, Scarglato said.

Two of Singer's four children have been adopted after being placed in
child protective services; the youngest two are in foster homes. The
judge turned down Singer's request to be released without bail so she
wouldn't "have to wear handcuffs" during an upcoming custody hearing.
(He turned her down after the DA noted Singer's 10 arrests, eight
convictions and 10 failures, for a variety of reasons, to return to
court.)

On Monday, one couple, Lisa and Phil Caruso of Pennsylvania, faced
Singer in court. Lisa told her what she felt.

And Singer, turning to apologize - and admit that she was, indeed, a
scam artist - offered excuses as to why she decided to keep her third
child, Alex, rather than give him up. (She said she reversed her
earlier decision after learning that a birth defect he had "wasn't too
bad.")

Later, in the court hallway, I asked Lisa whether that was the first
time she had ever heard the boy's name.

"Oh, no," she said, with a stunningly sad shake of her head. "We
talked about names," she said, "and we told her we wanted to name the
boy Alex Joseph.

"And then one day she calls and says she's keeping the baby. And she
lets us know his name."

February 6, 2008

"Medical Adoption" Agency ~ A Parody?

Organ & Blood donor info.
© Photographer: Brownm39 | Agency: Dreamstime.com
I know this has proven to be "bogus" but just thought I'd post here for viewing pleasure (click on the post title) ~ about as absurd as some adoption agencies in my opinion. Instead of donating our organs, most adoptees are ONLY asked to donate our identities, our heritage, our families, our personal histories, birth certificates, and esteem.

http://www.medicaladoptions.com/index.html

Big Fat Blanks

Blank business card
© Photographer: Parus77 | Agency: Dreamstime.com

I don't have time right now to write about this experience, but thought I'd at least post the letters explaining the entire situation about trying to obtain my medical records. It has been maddening this week for me. Thank God a big Bounce-U party last night got my mind off it and let me blow off some steam jumping up and down with my son! But today is a new day....

(I'll erase all identifying information, of course, cause isn't that what we do in adoption? For the 'protection' of who??????? I might ask)

Dear Rep. Big Fat Blank,
I hope the new session has started off well! I saw the State of the State address on OETA on Monday, while home with one of those stomach viruses going around. What a combination! lol

I wanted to forward you some letters I have written in trying to get my medical records from Big Fat Blank (hospital) in Big Fat Blank (small town USA). I hope they explain the entire issue adequately, and emphasize the fact that adoptees need assistance in law changes to protect us and our children.
I was very excited because they called me last week, after almost a year of me requesting the records, and said they had FOUND my records. When I went in this week, they again put me off and said the supervisor was on vacation and I had to wait till next week. ?????
I feel very vulnerable that I am at their mercy and can't get what I truly need.

Hope to stay in touch and thank you for serving the citizens of Big Fat Blank.



Dear (archiving company) ~ I appreciate your help so much about the request I sent to you regarding searching for my medical records. I attached my previous email to you below this one, for reference.

I got a call last Friday (2/1/08) saying that (they) had found my medical records. When I went in yesterday (2/5/08) they said they would have to get back with me yet again and I left without them (again). I have requested the records since 6/07 and my doctor has requested them separately also. I have a court order and physician's requests for these important records for my own medical/preventive treatment for my own pregnancies.

I am contacting you again because yesterday the lady who helped me wanted me to know that according to HIPPA law that they were not required to keep my records. I feel vulnerable that they may never release the records to me or get rid of them. They are imperative to mine and my family's health and so wish I could have gotten them earlier.
I am thankful that you did another search and were able to find the records, and am just following up to see if I can fax you the release I signed, the court order, the records they requested from me, etc. in order to get the records to me?
Thank you,

Dear (archiving company) ~
I have been working with (local hospital where this happened all the time) Hospital in (little town, america) on a request for medical records.
I have all the paperwork available to fax to you.

I was born at your hospital (on this date ~ hopefully) as Baby Girl Big Fat Blank. (At least I THINK that is the case). My Mother's name was (young unwed mother with no options from society) and she relinquished me for adoption shortly after my birth. I have been in reunion with my (birth) family for 17 yrs and have close relationships with all of them. However, my mother passed away a few years before I found her, from breast cancer. She had been searching for me, and told them that I would come looking and to please have all my information available at that time.

I got a court order from a Judge to received my original birth certificate and all adoption records from the courthouse. The court order also lists "all records at adoptee's request."

My (birth) Mother's family told me that she had me be c-section but is not sure why. I was also told by my adoptive family that I was hospitalized for several days, but without my medical/birth information I have no information. My (birth) Mother passed away while searching for a son, because she was told that she had given birth to a boy. She had signed up on several registries but they would have never worked for us because of the inaccurate information she and I both had.

I recently gave birth to a premature baby who was in (this same) Hospital for 98 days after birth. My doctor has written a letter requesting all my own birth information/medical records and labor/delivery information about me and my mother regarding my own birth in 1968. She is concerned that because I did not have my own medical family history information that I was at risk and my child was at risk medically and any further pregnancies I have.

I have submitted all this information (court orders, letters from my physician, and my physician's own request, etc.) to (hospital). They have stated that they cannot find my birth records on file from (my supposed birthday).

I am asking if I could please fax these same documents to your company, since you archive their medical records and request you to please search your archived records to see if my medical records may be found. I feel like this is only reasonable for my own health and the health of my children, and since I have a court order as well as physician requests, that it would be very beneficial to me to have these records medically.

All I am asking is for a further search. Also, I have tried to ask (hospital) what their archiving procedures are to see why some birth records from even before 1968 may be available but others supposedly aren't. They have not explained this to me, and in fact, have not provided good customer service from the beginning of my request, with many delays. Every time I tried to follow-up I was put off, having to explain my situation and paperwork over and over the last several months.

When they finally, after many months, said that they had searched and could not find my records, I asked about the archiving procedure. I was told that "it didn't matter", and when I asked who the next higher supervisor was, I was told that I could only work with their office and that personnel. I called (hospital's) main office just to get the name of Big Fat Blank Supervisor (hmmmm), who was over the entire medical records office. She then sent me a letter saying that they had made a thorough search and could not find my records and could not help me. She would not give me the name of the archiving company because she said (hospital) has records of what records were sent to the archiving company and mine weren't in there.

I remembered (archiving company) being on one of the many forms they had me fill out over the course of trying to get my records, so I looked it up on the internet and am contacting you directly. I thought I would go directly to your company for help and assistance, to see if there is any way you could do a direct search.

Thank you so much for your help. I would be glad to fax or mail the original copies of these documents, including my mother's death certficate, the court order, and physician's request.

Sincerely,
(Adoptee, who shall remain nameless ~ as many do their entire lives ~ no wonder many feel like BIG FAT BLANKS)

Information Requested ~ Birth Records and labor/delivery/nursery notes for
Baby Girl Big Fat Blank
DOB ~
Mother: (Who I last saw at your hospital, by the way)
DOB ~