September 5, 2007

My Rose

I have avoided writing about the experience of Motherhood of a preemie simply because it has been too emotionally fresh ~ the last two years have been ones of great joy and great grieving at the same time, if that is possible. I gave birth to my firstborn in January '05, 3 months early. He only weighed 1.4 at birth and was in the NICU for over 3 months, overcoming heart surgery at 2 days old, and a severe staph infection he aquired in the hospital. He was the first baby in this particular hospital to be given a new drug for resistant staph infection, and had 60+ days of strong IV antibiotics pumped into his body, along with 8 blood transfusions over the course of his NICU stay.
I remember bringing him home and just sitting in the rocker shedding tears and rocking him for days upon days. I thought I would never recover. I felt so guilty for not being able to carry him full-term. The pain of leaving him every night and looking back over my shoulder was almost too much for this adoptee to bear. It brought up so many of my own feelings of abandonment and helplessness ~ seeing my son laying in the incubator alone, not being able to hold him close and protect him like a Mother should. It was heartbreaking.
It has taken him all this time (and me) to even begin to learn to trust and receive comfort. At such a vulnerable time, his senses were bombarded with loud beeps and noises from the numerous machines he was attached to. His only touch to speak of was that of needles pricking into his paper-thin skin. I was afraid to do "kangaroo care" as much as I longed for, because of the vulnerability of his immune system and the vent inserted into his lungs to help him breathe. But now, looking back, I know that is the only thing that would have been beneficial for him ~ more contact with his mother's skin, and love.
He has a hard time processing all the sensory input in his world, even now, because of his early birth and experiences. He is the most amazing, determined, loving, stubborn, beautiful human being I have been given the priviledge to know and love.
I just wanted to introduce you to this miracle in my life, because I have been having so many experiences lately that I have wanted to blog about regarding being his Mom. So now I can write/go for it from here.....


mia said...

This was breathtaking. What an incredible miracle.

Jenna said...

Gah. Prematurity is freaking scary. The Munchkin attempted escape at 30 weeks. Nicholas at 31. And Parker, still growing, has been the most impatient with an attempted escape at 26 weeks. (I'm not the best at pregnancy due to a kidney disorder.)

Mothers of preemies are special and strong. Your son is a miracle. A true one, indeed!

deb said...

Thanks for coming to my blog. It must have been scary dealing with such a tiny, sick baby. I'm glad that he's doing so well.
I'm also glad I didn't give my son up for adoption. After reading your blog and another woman's I'm beginning to have some small understanding of how difficult it is to be adopted.

suz said...

frightening how much adoption can affect mothering in the future. i had similar challenges when I gave birth to my oldest son nearly 11 years after losing my daughter to adoption.
beautiful post and adorable child. hugs to you both.

Sharon Ferguson said...

We had to rescue my daughter from my womb because the placenta abrupted too severely. She was 2 mo. premature. I understand completely how you feel about the separation. They had to LifeFlight her into Houston within the first hour of her life because the hospital where she was born didnt have preemie facilities. I didnt get to hold her for five days becasue I had had a classical c-section and they didnt want to move me.

My deepest prayers for you. I can say honestly though you WILL bond with him...he is YOUR son! My daughter is now 13 and we have the usual relationship a mother has with their teenager. He will love you, and know that you love him.

Yvonne Spence said...

Hello, I read your comment on 'What Your Baby Knows' and followed your link. Like your son, my second daughter was born over 3 months early and spent a considerable time in hospital. She is now a happy, healthy and very boisterous 8-year-old, and you might find it reassuring to read an article I have recently posted on my blog. It sounds as though you are going many of the feelings I did.
(As I am very new to blogging I am not sure if the link will work, if it doesn't my blog is at

The Passionate Peach said...

I am sorry it took so long to respond to all your comments ~ thank you all so much for your encouragement and kind words here. I am so glad to know all my "blogging" friends. ((((Hugs)))