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It is so very bitter-sweet ~ Reunion.
Every time I'm with my natural family I feel so comfortable, happy, at home. I am around those like me ~ we share similarities, likes, dislikes, dispositions, looks, humor, communication style, love.
It took several years for me to "unthaw" emotionally enough to even recognize these strong connections. I feel I wasn't even connected with myself, and therefore, couldn't recognize connection with my natural family. It was too painful to "go there" so I stayed on the surface, in smooth "everything's cool" land. Not realizing it was emotionless, frozen, false, disconnected.
I now FEEL the depth ~ after facing the dark nastiness of rejection, abandonment ~ all the feelings a good little adoptee isn't ever supposed to feel ~ covered over with "chosen", "special", etc.
And now I LOVE being with my natural family ~ but it is still bitter-sweet. I still feel a little bit "on the outside, looking in", not able to share the depth of the family history, memories, comfort ~ because I was away for so very long. I was absent. And I still feel absent sometimes.
I was present with my adoptive family ~ but absent in many ways there, too.
Just having those re-connections in my soul, my family, my history, my relationships. Very few adoptees get to experience this. My natural family all live in the same town I live in and grew up in. So I see them quite a bit. I have to juggle, juggle, juggle my loyalties, my emotions, my saddness ~ and grab on to every opportunity of ~
Playing at the park with my Dad, my brothers, my neice, nephew, and my son.
A family reunited.
Watching my son kiss his "Papa" and "Papa" holding him close.
Watching my 2 yr old and his cousin, the same age, throwing rocks into the river together. But wondering how much closer and how much more often my father sees his other grandkids of his raised kids, instead of my son. Only because of the comfort level, without the feelings of guilt, of hidden saddness because of those years of being separated.
But enjoying every minute and so wanting more and more minutes and hours. So hoping for more sponteneity and staying in close contact ~ just being able to pick up the phone and saying "Hi, I'm thinking about you, how's your day". And I have that ~ but I still struggle inside. Wondering.
3 comments:
I wonder peach will we ever really feel "whole" with any family? This is something I struggle with, because I too still feel a little on the outside when i'm with my natural family even though we're so alike and so familiar, and together, I believe its the lack of contact for so many years, that keeps the internal distanc. Or maybe I just dont completly trust anyone to just, be myself and allow myself to feel included? Reunion IS bitter sweet, there are so many twists and turns with it i never expected, but am so happy i've had a chance to do the "healing" that comes with reunion.
always love your posts...
As I'm so new to this reunion stuff - I can't comment with much authority - but what I have felt so far - bittersweet is a very good description.
Just found you - looking forward to reading up.
Also - I linked to you - let me know if that's a prob.
Possum. (Aussie adoptee)
xxx
617Peach, I found you on adoptese. Found lots of blogs that way. And you are listed on my favs. Amazingly, I relate more to adoptee blogs (oh and by the way I love your use of adaptee... heard that years ago from an adopted friend... isn't it the truth?) than natural mom blogs, even though that's what I am. I can totally relate to your posts, not only because of my son's struggle to fit in to his family of origin, but my struggle to keep him in. It's a shame. I never thought it would be this hard when I searched for him. Sweet and too often bitter.
Denise
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