September 2, 2007
Adoption ~ Reunion ~ A Wonder
© Photographer: Zzzdim | Agency: Dreamstime.com
It is so very bitter-sweet ~ Reunion.
Every time I'm with my natural family I feel so comfortable, happy, at home. I am around those like me ~ we share similarities, likes, dislikes, dispositions, looks, humor, communication style, love.
It took several years for me to "unthaw" emotionally enough to even recognize these strong connections. I feel I wasn't even connected with myself, and therefore, couldn't recognize connection with my natural family. It was too painful to "go there" so I stayed on the surface, in smooth "everything's cool" land. Not realizing it was emotionless, frozen, false, disconnected.
I now FEEL the depth ~ after facing the dark nastiness of rejection, abandonment ~ all the feelings a good little adoptee isn't ever supposed to feel ~ covered over with "chosen", "special", etc.
And now I LOVE being with my natural family ~ but it is still bitter-sweet. I still feel a little bit "on the outside, looking in", not able to share the depth of the family history, memories, comfort ~ because I was away for so very long. I was absent. And I still feel absent sometimes.
I was present with my adoptive family ~ but absent in many ways there, too.
Just having those re-connections in my soul, my family, my history, my relationships. Very few adoptees get to experience this. My natural family all live in the same town I live in and grew up in. So I see them quite a bit. I have to juggle, juggle, juggle my loyalties, my emotions, my saddness ~ and grab on to every opportunity of ~
Playing at the park with my Dad, my brothers, my neice, nephew, and my son.
A family reunited.
Watching my son kiss his "Papa" and "Papa" holding him close.
Watching my 2 yr old and his cousin, the same age, throwing rocks into the river together. But wondering how much closer and how much more often my father sees his other grandkids of his raised kids, instead of my son. Only because of the comfort level, without the feelings of guilt, of hidden saddness because of those years of being separated.
But enjoying every minute and so wanting more and more minutes and hours. So hoping for more sponteneity and staying in close contact ~ just being able to pick up the phone and saying "Hi, I'm thinking about you, how's your day". And I have that ~ but I still struggle inside. Wondering.
Labels: my reunion