June 10, 2007

Reunion Relationships

© Photographer: Sutprattana | Agency: Dreamstime.com
I am so thankful to be "in reunion" with my natural family. But goodness gracious does it make me jittery at times, with both excitement and the feeling of being on an episode of "Twilight Zone".
Today for example.

The thoughts and feelings are running so fast through my head and body that I feel like I'm "alive" with electricity. Like a jolt of electricity just went through me, so much so that I cannot think straight or calm down easily. Yet, when I try to mentally "process" it all, I'm just not capable yet - guess it is all too fresh.

I have known my natural family since 1990. I was only 21 years old and from day one I was welcomed and embraced by all of them. But it took me many, many years to "unthaw" my emotions enough to be able to "feel" anything. I was just going on "auto-pilot" with a deep subconcious need to find them and know them, but unable to truly process or feel my own emotions. I felt like they were just "being nice" because they didn't want to hurt me, but they were kind of tolerating me back in their lives without really caring either way. In fact, after 17 years I still sometimes feel this way, even in the face of evidence that completely debunks that theory. I don't know why it is so hard to believe that they truly love me and want a relationship with me. Some of it is because we go several weeks or months without any contact, and it makes me feel abandoned and rejected. But that's a whole other story......
Anyway, I had a very interesting day with my natural family today - so thankful for the memories and good feelings, even though I continually "second-guess" everything, which I hate. I'll write more as I'm able to emotionally and mentally.

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