June 5, 2008

On Being a Mother & Adoptee

© Photographer: Qwasyx | Agency: Dreamstime.com
On being a Mother, as well as an adoptee....it has been the most gut-wrenching thing I've ever done. To allow myself the risk of loving beyond reason, because I have no other choice ~ my child is part of me, and I him. For always.

My son is the first and only blood kin that I have the priviledge of having a "normal" family relationship with ~ and it is Heaven. Just the smell of his hair is enough to awaken my heart.

I never loved myself until I loved him and realized the identity and connection that generations bring to an individual. I would say that I "loved" but I didn't know that depth because it was foreign. It hurts to love. Because it could mean losing. And to an adoptee it is like death, from day one, for us, to love. Because we lost everything.

Search is about restoration. Of as much as possible. Our identity, our blood line, our relatives, family, self-understanding, and emotional congruance. Not to mention Love.

It is late and I probably don't make much sense ~ trying to describe something that is beyond words.

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