July 26, 2007

The "Darkness" is Real

© Photographer: Jenfu | Agency: Dreamstime.com
I had an very interesting conversation with one of the ladies who goes to my church recently. She is the adoptive Mother of a 4 yr old from Korea. She had read the very telling article by Julie Rist called, "Happy Adoptees" and was just beside herself. She could not BELIEVE that I could believe such "nonsense."
She kept saying that when she sees me she does not see an "unhappy, bitter" person, but instead, she sees a person who knows God's love.

I thank God that, YES, I have experienced God's love in my life. He is the most important person I know and the very reason I'm alive, my son is alive, and the reason I have survived. But the road to learning to trust Him enough to receive His unconditional love, without holding on tightly to trying to earn it somehow, try to work up just enough "goodness" so He would somehow take care of me (that reveals my battle with fear) has been a very long, hard journey.

And in the journey, I have poured my heart out to Him, told Him how hard it is to trust, and essentially opened up the very dark corners of my wounded soul, feeling very vulnerable and almost like I would literally die. For years I held on to the "facade" me ~ ACT good enough ~ but inside, feel like total insecure crap. But it didn't work forever. I cracked and still crack and need to be real, and THAT is when He came through and is teaching me true love and trust.

Just thought I'd share some middle-of-the-night entries in my journal (in my next post) while I was going through the deepest level of healing from my adoption journey. It isn't sweet or pretty. It is quite scary. But I am convinced that the Holy Spirit took me through this "valley of the shadow of death" Himself, in order to shine His light of truth on it, not allow me to keep it hidden, and festering in the dark. My "Church" friends ~ they would probably FREAK if they read this. Because it is FAR from the accepted "views" of a Happy Adoptee ~ But, like the author of that wonderful article, I lived that life, and it didn't cut it. I would rather be real.

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