May 11, 2007

Still Hiding

Woman holding pot of flowers.
© Photographer: Iofoto | Agency:
Ok, I'm back....had to go hide the flowers my natural father sent for my Birthday, because my aMom is supposed to be here soon. It feels so nasty to have to rearrange my whole house depending on who is coming over. So false. Not contributing to any sense of realness or spiritual/mental congruance, to say the least. But I guess that's part of it. It started with the rearranging of the birth certificate, I suppose, and leaves a long legacy, probably even to the grave and beyond for my children. From a youngster, I remember praying to God in my bed that I wouldn't die in the night and would indeed wake up the next morning. I think it was my way of coping with the question of "no beginning, so how could my future be intact?"

After writing all this down to try to work through it (it helps, and believe me, this is only the surface), I had to leave to take my 2 yr old to a "playdate" at the park with a friend from church and her 4 yr old - who is adopted. Yep. Not surprised. I feel a special knowing bond with this little 4 yr old. Like I can sense a little of the "lostness" he feels inside, even though on the outside he appears like every other kid. We were climbing up the slides and having fun, when a little 4 or 5 yr old oriental girl started playing with us too, on the playground equipment (isn't this new playground equipment the best, nowdays!!!! So fun!!!!) Anyway, she came over, saying that "someone is going to buy my house", and "I'm moving to Australia". I said "Man, I've never been there - I bet it is pretty!". She said, "There are kangaroos there!" And we kept playing. But then I had to study this little girl alittle closer. Where was her parent - just had to know. He was sitting yards away on a park bench carefully watching this little independent, smart child carry on a practically "adult" conversation with others. She was the perfect little adoptee. I could tell - "shining" in her lonely existance, appearing so confident. But pleasing and charming all those around her.
Adopted kids are everywhere - all around us - and to fellow, awakened, adoptees - we see them with almost exray vision, because they are "us" at that age. Yet people love to discredit us as just the "few", the "fringe", the "angry". We were that little girl several years back. Becoming adults with understanding is our only difference. Think about it.

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