April 29, 2007

A Ramble of Missorts

Jewish Talisman
© Photographer: Poresh | Agency: Dreamstime.com
I'm having one of those days....feeling down, disappointed with my little adopted self. Angry.

Even though I love my Mom very much, alot of what she does grates on me, like chalk on a chalkboard. And I feel guilty for that. I have these great intentions, so I call her last night to go with us to a Jewish Festival today - camel rides, petting zoo, Israeli music, food, the whole works.

But THEN, when we are together I'm a totally different person. Too mean for even myself, being the people-pleasing to get accepted adoptee that I am. Or was. ????

Sure, she says and does things that bother me - but shouldn't I be used to that - and haven't I made the decision to just "blow it off" like always? Why do I feel I need to punish her or myself when we are together. I put all my attention on my son now. I guess I feel like he deserves all the attention that used to go on taking care of her, emotionally. Being the "daughter" I was. What is even harder, is she knows what is going on, and has just accepted it. I'm not the "good adopted daughter" anymore, holding on for dear life. But I don't know what I've become, either.

She is very possessive of my son. It feels like we are in a jealous competition or something, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. "Are you Grandma's boy or Mama's boy?" she continually asks him. Then she will make little comments when she calls, like, "I miss my baby - well I miss you too, but I really miss my baby." It feels like a jab.
Why can't she just shut up and not say anything??? Like me.

I know none of this post even makes sense.....this one is just for me, I guess. And probably sounds horrid.

OK - now for the meat - why I think I was upset today and acted like a quiet, mean b*#@=.
When I found my natural families I learned that I am of the Jewish heritage. After I called and invited my aMom to the festival today, my husband asked me why I didn't call and invite my Dad (natural father). I told him that I wished he had suggested that earlier, because I would have liked too, but I had already invited Mom. Then I got disappointed. I felt that I had missed an opportunity to be with my natural family - those who I share true Jewish heritage with. But then I get frustrated because I also wish my Dad would have called and invited me - wouldn't that have been neat? So a little adoptee rejection is flairing it's ugly head.

So when we are at the festival all this "true heritage" feeling is rising up, and I'm experiencing inner turmoil, that instead of enjoying this like a normal person, I am having to acknowledge my adoptee status yet again, and it just sucks.

Then as we are leaving my aMom is reading the wall of "donors" who donated money to have the Jewish Center built - and sure enough there are my natural Grandparents names, which she makes a point to mention. Then she mumbled something about "donating" or something, which I ignored. I was feeling sad that my son, their great-grandson, was of the Jewish heritage and he didn't even get to know them (they died the same year he was born), and we are here as outsiders in a world which we should be insiders, if that makes any sense.

Then I realized that ever since my reunion, my poor aMom has had to be the "outsider" that I have felt my entire life. She got tears in her eyes looking at their names on that wall, and I knew she felt that same pain I feel, in a different way.

Then I had this morbid thought - oh, so now my "buyer" (aMom) was talking about my "donor" (natural family). And that wasn't fun, either. Oh, the joys of the fleeting thoughts of an adoptee.

Living in the same city with my afamily and natural family lends itself to days of totally feeling a*@$#-whipped.

1 comment:

momseekingpeace said...

WOW,
It made perfect sense to me, it would seem more unusual if you were not upset and bitchy under those conditions.
MSP