Be Still...

It is 5:23am.  I woke up at 1:47am and have been sleepless since.  I guess I might as well write. 

As I lay in bed with my body aching from tiredness, I couldn't decide why I felt so restless, other than the fact my Mom passed away what seems like both forever and just a day ago, all at the same time.  I also auditioned for "Listen to Your Mother" on her birthday, last Saturday, and surprisingly was chosen as a participant in the show.  How can I handle this vulnerability in front of an audience?  Especially an audience that may not understand the complexities of being an individual who was adopted. 

My husband also let me know last night that he has to go to a short business meeting today, out of town.  We worked it out so that we can drive together and talk, which we get precious little time to do, since our son has some special needs and we rarely leave him, except during school hours. 

Yet I'm triggered. 
Fear has been my biggest enemy.  My most deplorable battle. 

Laying in bed, I'm wondering why in the world can't I just sleep, when it hits me.  Today is February 28th.  The 34th anniversary of my First Mother's death.  I block it out half the time.  But the other half...

I don't know why I searched, except that I was driven to.  The day my 21 year old ears heard the words, "Norma passed away...", it felt as if the 21 minute old infant inside my heart screamed in terror and wilted in despair, all over again. 

It has taken all of my life to slowly understand the significance of why this would affect me so, when I never "knew" her.  Oh, but I did.  That is the misunderstanding of so many, including myself, for too long.  Babies know.  Babies are their mothers, for several months after birth...at least in their own experience.  If a child is not given permission to grieve the tremendous loss of her mother, and is expected to bond like an animal imprints...they will experience "disenfranchised" grief, possibly their entire life.  Being vulnerable enough to love deeply triggers such fear of loss it is almost unbearable.  If not awakened, and given the courage to grieve and heal, we hold it in our bodies; our subconscious memories.  Incongruence is no way to live. 

February 28th holds yet another significance now.

In 2005, my tiny son lay in an incubator, less than two months old and not yet weighing two pounds.  IV's pumped continuous high-dose antibiotics into his veins due to a hospital-induced staph infection he acquired on Valentine's day, his one month birthday.  This mother was beside herself.  He was the first baby in this hospital to receive Zyvox, a brand new drug, with possible side-effects a mile long.  The neonatologist had warned us that if his blood culture continued to come back positive for infection, they would have to start this regimen. 

It had been two weeks exactly, since his blood culture first showed infection, and Riphampin had not seemed to work, even though they never could pin-point exactly where the infection was, and the initial symptoms had resolved.  They infused the first dose of Zyvox on February 28th and did a routine blood culture that evening.  It came back negative.  He was infection free. 

We had been praying for two weeks and on the anniversary of my First Mother's passing he was well. 

I begged the doctor to stop the drug.  The known side-effects were enough to scare any mother.  What were the unknown?  He said it was necessary to finish the protocol once it was started. 

I devoured the internet for information and found Zyvox had only been tested on a handful of neonates.  Each night, for two long weeks, when the nurses would walk away, I stared intently as this bitter-sweet poison dripped slowly into his vein.  With everything in me I held back the intense desire to push the stop button. 

Instead, I wept, and shouted inside. Was my son being used as a guinea pig, because he was the first baby to fit the criteria to "need" this new drug, even though for less than a day?  Then, the same concerns surfaced again a few weeks later, when the doctors wanted to vaccinate my son while he was still so small and fragile.  I didn't have the fortitude or wisdom at the time to know I could refuse.  It wasn't until after his four month vaccinations, and I nursed him through high fevers yet again, that I had the presence of mind to research and know my rights.  The doctors had saved my one pound son.  They operated when he was three days old to repair a heart valve that would not close and was threatening his life.  I had to trust them.  Over the course of the next few weeks, he turned jaundice, the color of glowing ember...even his eyes glowed yellow.  It was horrible.  I thought I would go mad.  He endured hernia surgery through this as well, the first of three. 

Even after he came home he still glowed yellow.  The pediatrician mentioned that some babies never bounced back and needed a new liver, but he felt confident that my son would.  It was mostly drug-induced jaundice, he thought.  For weeks we stood on the scripture, "He will brighten our eyes"

God healed my son.  Yet again.

No wonder I am sleepless.  I feel better just pounding this out through my fingers, no matter how they hurt through the process.  I will enjoy my day today with my husband and choose peace.  I'm looking forward to attending a Women's Conference at my church tonight as well. 

I so treasured the last week I spent with my Mom in the hospital.  We would enjoy perusing the gift shop every day.  She seemed to gravitate towards a beautiful plague that we purchased to take back to her room.  It now hangs in my living room and as I look at it now, the words are such a tender reminder. 

"Be still, and Know that I Am God" Psalm 46:10    

As I write this and morning has broken, I can now hear my son's sweet voice as he plays before school, acting out an "adventure" and singing "Everything is Awesome" he learned from The Lego Movie the other day.  It reminds me of an evening several years ago.  Long before Andrew was born, a lady was praying for me and she felt that God was encouraging me to..."Feed my Lambs"...she mentioned the word "lighthouse" and then the word "adventure".  All of these words hold great significance to me now.  It comforts my heart. 

Dear Father, thank you for loving us.  Thank you for life.  For being faithful.  Help us learn to trust you.  Give us strength and hope.  We resist fear and receive your promises today and every day. 

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future".  Jeremiah 29:11 

 

"The thief came not but for to kill, steal, and destroy, but I have come to bring life, and life more abundant".  John 10:10

 

Adoption Reunion In The Social Media Age, An Anthology

 

 

Adoption Reunion in the Social Media Age, An Anthology
(Editor: Laura Dennis)

This anthology gives voice to the wide experiences of adoptees and those who love them; examining the emotional, psychological and logistical effects of adoption reunion. Primarily adult adoptee voices, we also hear from adoptive parents, first moms and mental health professionals, all weighing in on their experience with reunion. The stories run the gamut, and I think even non-adopted people are likely to find something in here to which they can relate. The memories of adoption reunion in this anthology are joyous and regretful; nostalgic and fresh; angry and accepting. They show pain, but they also tell of resilience and strength in the face of incredible loss.

In short, the essays of this anthology relate the human experience: raw, resilient, and most of all real.

 

See the recent blog tour of conversations led by a few of the authors here.

 

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 Lost Daughters:  Writing Adoption From A Place of Empowerment and Peace

(Editor: Amanda Transue-Woolston)

This anthology is a collection of writings by the authors of the Lost Daughters blog.

 

Lost Daughters is an independent, collaborative writing project that was founded in 2011 in an effort to give an accessible writing platform for adopted women. Boasting nearly 30 authors, Lost Daughters is written and edited entirely by adopted women, several of whom balance multiple roles in adoption and foster care along with being adopted. The blog’s name was inspired by author and adoptee B.J. Lifton’s concept of one's self becoming lost and found throughout the experience of being adopted.

The mission is to bring readers the perspectives and narratives of adopted women, and to highlight their strength, resiliency, and wisdom--to critically discuss the positives and negatives of the adoption institution from a place of empowerment and peace. The authors come from all walks of life and have a variety of worldviews, religions, political stances, types of adoption, countries of origin, and countries of residence.

 

Lorraine Dusky offers this review of the book at First Mother Forum ~ "Lost Daughter's:  Strong, Brave Essays Written from the Heart."

*I am thrilled and thankful to be a contributor in these new releases. 

  It is a blessing to know and work with these sweet friends.

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"Personhood" for Whom?

“The laws of this state shall be interpreted and construed to acknowledge on behalf of the unborn child at every stage of development all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state." ~ language in the newly passed Oklahoma "Personhood" bill

* As a pro-life Oklahoman and an adult adoptee, I am saddened by the lobbying effort of the Right to Life groups against ethical adoption reform and adoptee access legislation.  See "When It Is Illegal To Know Who You Are."

Think about it. Adoptee's very identities are aborted when their birth certificate is sealed. No matter how much they love their adoptive family, they live their entire lives asked to fulfill the legal role of someone they were not born as. They are human beings who have a right to know their truth. 

I would like to address pervasive myths regarding Adoptee Access Legislation currently
being passed in several states across our nation. Restoring the
unconditional right of adult adoptees to obtain their original birth
certificates is a human right supported by The Child Welfare League of
America and several other child advocacy and adoption groups. Statistics
in the states that have restored this right show that abortion rates do not increase and adoption rates do not decrease.
(See American Adoption Congress at http://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/reform_adoption_data.php)

The Supreme Courts of both TN and OR (both adoptee access states) have ruled that birthmother's were never promised confidentiality under the law, but instead, archaic
"sealed records" laws in adoption were only enacted to
protect the newly formed adoptive family. In fact, if a birthmother
relinquishes her child for adoption, but for some reason the child is
never adopted, that child's original birth certificate is never amended
or sealed. This alone proves that "sealed records" was not enacted to
protect the "privacy" rights of birthmothers. It was enforced upon them.

The true story of Philomena Lee shares the plight of millions of women during the "Baby Scoop Era" who lost their children to adoption. 
(See Jan Baker's article, "Open Records: Do Birthmother's Need Protected? at http://adoption.about.com/od/adoptionrights/a/openbirthmompro.htm) 
Kansas, our neighbor to the north, has never sealed original birth
certificates to adult adoptees. Restoring the right of adult adoptees to
obtain their original birth certificates is a basic human right.

Birth certificates of American citizens should never be "sealed" or "amended" (falsified) from the very person they belong to, yet the adoption industry continues these practices. This is unethical and violates the very core beliefs that the "right to life" movement claims to support.  Whose interests do we serve?      

True "personhood" mentality would not permit this to happen to millions of fellow human beings. Yet, these very organizations lobby against adoptee access legislation.  They lobby against ethical adoption reform measures that would ensure human-rights protections for the very ones they claim to serve (OK HB 2442 & HB 3011).  See "Veronica Case Leads to Adoption Reform Proposals".   

Their powerful lobby reduces adopted individuals to a commodity; our very identities sealed and amended for the fulfillment of an economically driven supply & demand based system.(See "Shotgun Adoption" in The Nation ~
http://www.thenation.com/article/shotgun-adoption) or "Giving Away Baby".

Legislators can prove themselves as "pro-life" by extending the SAME rights and privileges of "personhood" to adult adoptees. 

Currently, in all but 7 states, adoptees remain "perpetual children" in the eyes of the law, without the rights and privileges afforded to every other American citizen to access their own record of birth. Archaic "sealed records" law strips adopted citizens of their human dignity, identity, and history.
(For information about the states that have enacted this legislation see Adoptee Rights Coalition at http://www.adopteerightscoalition.com/p/for-legislators.html)