January 15, 2012
The "Found" Book Tour
I'm so honored to be part of the Open Adoption Examiner's "Found" Book Tour. I haven't yet finished the entirety of "Found", Jennifer Lauck's amazing memoir, but wanted to attempt answers to some of the questions as a reunited adult adoptee. So many of the author's thoughts and feelings have resonated with me deeply. What a beautiful person and writer...thank you, Jennifer, for sharing your journey and your writing talent!
•I have noticed that adopted kids tend to mature and wise up ahead of their age... you think a lot before answering, you're not impulsive, you know how to keep your personal secrets and prefer to keep a lot from the rest of the world. I read that in this book, and 3 others by Jennifer Lauck. What can make adoptees this way?
I laughed when reading this question, because I remember so many teachers and adults telling my Mom, and even me, growing up, how "mature" I was. It's really pretty sad, because I believe this "maturity" is simply another layer of the adoptee's facade.
We so want to believe and appear to "have it all together" in order to survive in a world that seems to reject us unless we are given another's role/identity (even our birth certificates are changed to hide our truth).
Then, we are not given permission to acknowledge our loss or reality, because adoption is the "win-win" solution we are expected to embrace (to fulfill that role and appease those we must rely on), so we deny and squelch our true selves and feelings for this purpose.
What other choice do we have than to appear mature and rock solid? It's our only option. Inside, I felt the exact opposite, desperately trying to deny feelings of unworthiness and insecurity. We have to do something to make ourselves feel we have the right to exist, all the while, not believing we do.
•Jennifer Lauck wrote (page 34) “I felt dirty and bad” when told she was adopted. Why? was it because her brother mentioned the trash? or there was more?
See above, and this post, "Finding Me in the Bathroom Stall". Exact.Same.Concept.
•On pp 17-18, Jennifer talks about a baby searching for her mother after being born. How did this sensory-rich passage strike you? What thoughts did it trigger about the role you play in adoption?
Although adopted as an infant, even leaving the hospital with my adoptive parents, when Jennifer pointed out that a baby goes into shock when unable to find her mother, it made complete sense and sent shivers through my spine. As an "awakened" adoptee, I now realize I have been searching for my Mother from birth.
An infant has no sense of self for several months. She and her mother are essentially one. That's why adoptees feel numb, lost, and disconnected. We experience profound, life-long consequences from this early and disenfranchised separation from our mothers, and hence, ourselves.
As an adult adoptee and also the mother of a micro-preemie who had to exist separated from me the first 98 days of his life, I addressed the question more deeply in this post from "The Primal Wound" book tour a few years ago.
•My question is about Jennifer's early adoption narrative as "God's gift"...
If adoptee's are "God's gift", then God is a masochist.
No wonder many adoptees avoid church, with the erroneous message behind "Orphan Care" spouted from every street corner in America.
It is a slap in our face to assert we are somehow, "The Chosen Child". That is asking us to believe it was "God's will" to lose our mothers, families, identities, and birth heritage in order to "build a family"; that young, vulnerable mother's embrace the advice of an adoption industry to make the "unselfish, heroic" decision ~ sacrifice her own motherhood and "gift" her flesh & blood because another woman "longs for a child".
To continue to the next stop of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.
Labels: Primal Wound