October 25, 2010

True Confessions

...Yes, I've actually written one of these, "Dear Incubator" letters. I even saved it for several years as a momento of my journey through "waking up", but can't seem to find it now.

My husband and I had been married for quite a few years and hadn't even tried to have children. Not because we were infertile, but because we both were dealing with "family" issues with taking care of controlling and elderly parents...as well as my adoption issues, that I didn't realize were "issues" for way too long. I was too scared to TRY, even though we both loved kids and wanted children.

It amazes me now (and probably you too, if you read my blog ~ lol) that I could have EVER written a "Dear Birthmother" letter...but I did. We thought we would adopt. What I didn't realize, is that I really needed to be writing completely different kinds of "Dear Mother" letters ~ one to my natural Mother, when I found out she had passed away while searching for me. And one to my adoptive Mother who I needed to "break the apron strings" from. Instead, I locked the pain deep inside. And pretended. It didn't matter. When it did. If I had dealt with the unresolved and disenfranchised grief I was carrying from growing up adopted and finding this news, I would have had more courage much earlier in my life.

Alison Larkin spoke at an AAC Conference about how having children was a deep, emotional breakthrough for her as an adoptee. I sat there and bawled. I was embarrassed. It felt like it would never go away if I let it out.

I'm so thankful for adoptees and first Moms who are speaking their lives and their truths, so it can reach others to help set us free.

I realize, now, I could have never made myself go through with adopting an infant. It would have been too close to home. But I still can't believe I even wrote the letter. Oh, it was flowery and wonderful, just like most. But underneath all the flowers and goo, it was just like the rest...this natural Mother hit the nail on the head at Adoption Critique.


Lori said...

Peach, sometimes it takes having your own children and seeing things in a different way. Maturity and life tend to make everyone see things in a more realistic, people oriented way rather than the dreamer, me centered way. I know, I hit that very young out of necessity...and again when I found my daughter.

Being afraid kept my husband from being the father that he could have been...I was afraid I would be a crappy parent. For our entire marriage I was only pregnant once, for a very short time....I was afraid I would not be a good mother, how could I be?

Just Me said...

I am one of those adoptees that feels no connection to anything human (other than my husband). I have no desire for children; the thought of pregnancy, birth and dealing with babies makes me cringe. I believe I am a lot like my birth mother in this way. Yes, she had 3 children but she didn't raise any of us... I was the only one she didn't have a choice with. So, for me, I think it is far better that I not have children lest I find out for sure that I really don't want them and then repeat history.

Von said...

I actually believe adoptees shouldn't become adopters, too many unresolveable issues.I have learned from being a parent(tough getting there due to the issues) that some of our unresolved issues impact on our children and some are passed on directly.Adoption...the gift that keeps on giving.