...Yes, I've actually written one of these, "Dear Incubator" letters. I even saved it for several years as a momento of my journey through "waking up", but can't seem to find it now.
My husband and I had been married for quite a few years and hadn't even tried to have children. Not because we were infertile, but because we both were dealing with "family" issues with taking care of controlling and elderly parents...as well as my adoption issues, that I didn't realize were "issues" for way too long. I was too scared to TRY, even though we both loved kids and wanted children.
It amazes me now (and probably you too, if you read my blog ~ lol) that I could have EVER written a "Dear Birthmother" letter...but I did. We thought we would adopt. What I didn't realize, is that I really needed to be writing completely different kinds of "Dear Mother" letters ~ one to my natural Mother, when I found out she had passed away while searching for me. And one to my adoptive Mother who I needed to "break the apron strings" from. Instead, I locked the pain deep inside. And pretended. It didn't matter. When it did. If I had dealt with the unresolved and disenfranchised grief I was carrying from growing up adopted and finding this news, I would have had more courage much earlier in my life.
Alison Larkin spoke at an AAC Conference about how having children was a deep, emotional breakthrough for her as an adoptee. I sat there and bawled. I was embarrassed. It felt like it would never go away if I let it out.
I'm so thankful for adoptees and first Moms who are speaking their lives and their truths, so it can reach others to help set us free.
I realize, now, I could have never made myself go through with adopting an infant. It would have been too close to home. But I still can't believe I even wrote the letter. Oh, it was flowery and wonderful, just like most. But underneath all the flowers and goo, it was just like the rest...this natural Mother hit the nail on the head at Adoption Critique.