March 21, 2010
For years after my reunion, as I found myself on an emotional rollercoaster of tremendous grief, I was reduced to tears every time I allowed myself to truly open up in worship to God. It was during those very times, however, I was experiencing healing.
It is wonderful to get "caught up" in worship and allow His Love & Presence to comfort me. But I always found myself asking the same question. You see, many of my loved ones have already passed on so during worship I think about Heaven a lot. Eternity a lot. Because so many I love are there.
HOW could Heaven be Heaven for an adoptee? How could I look forward to complete peace, love, serenity, joy, and happiness if my entire dismembered "family" and self was there (together) in one place?
It caused tremendous anxiety to think about how I would feel with those who gave me up for adoption standing beside those who adopted me. The ones who held the key to my identity beside those who asked me to live as though blindfolded. I would simply want to run and hide. Not very Heavenly.
Adoption tore me apart. It tore my identity, relationships and emotions between two families, two "selves", two worlds. It asked me to deny one world (which housed who I really was) and blindly accept another without question, without feeling, without truth. There is a scripture in the New Testament that speaks of "trading the truth for a lie." When you think about it, adoption does just that.
"Amended" birth certificates replace truthful ones that are "sealed" away forever.
Kind of like how Pinnochio became a real boy only after he told the truth and someone LOVED him ~ I too couldn't become "real" until I faced my dark reality of grief and somehow crawl through the ambivalance, the anger, the confusion, and the tears ~ right into the LIGHT of God's unconditional Love.
I was recently in church, enjoying God's presence during worship, when it dawned on me. The answer to my question. How could Heaven be Heaven for an adoptee? How could I experience peace and unspeakable happiness ANYWHERE my broken family, life, and identity be required to exist in one place? It just didn't seem possible. UNTIL I brought the question to the only One who knew.
The Bible speaks of Christians being the "The Bride" of Christ. He is not only our loving Father, but also our perfect "Bride Groom". He cares for us more than anyone on earth ever could. So it is impossible to "compare" His love with the imperfect, even disappointing "love" we experience here on earth. He will "never leave us, nor forsake us." Never.
His love, when we allow it, will envelope us so fully, and heal us so completely, that all turmoil will have to flee. The Old Testament speaks of God delivering His people "little by little", because sometimes it takes awhile to walk the journey of truthfulness. Our scared hearts are in hiding. His love is the remedy.
"He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light."
As I was completely lost in His love during that worship service, He whispered into my heart the answer to my question. "All eyes will be on Me", He said. I am your Bride Groom. Your Lover. You, my Bride, will be so Loved by me, that you will forget the turmoil, the confusion, the strife, the questions. You will forget those around you, as this world will truly fade away. It will be you and Me. In Love. Forever.
I was looking through my wedding pictures the other day and came across my very favorite one. The same album which held some very sad pictures of adoptive and birth families crying as I walked down the aisle, also held a beautiful picture with a completely different perspective. It was the "big picture" of a huge stained glass window of JESUS standing over and above the entire wedding party. This picture reminded me that He truly does CARE and He resides over all. He is and has always been with me, gently guiding me on this journey. The journey of Truth.
Heaven can truly be Heaven when I keep this in mind. All eyes WILL be on Him, the "Author and Finisher of our faith." He loves us so much, and He alone will erase all tears from our eyes. All grief from our hearts. All confusion from our minds. All strife, all pain, all turmoil. It will truly fade into nothing as His truth and Love makes everything right. Everything.
Lord, please reveal your Love to us more and more. Help us give our hearts to You. Complete us, we pray.