October 10, 2008
peek into the world of a ninja mom
© Photographer: Evok20 | Agency: Dreamstime.com
I've learned so much about myself since becoming a Mother. Some of it good, and some of it very disappointing. The saying, "You only learn what's truly inside when you're under pressure" has been proven to me over and over again the past three years. And what comes out astounds me sometimes.
My son was tiny when he was born and part of me still sees him as that 1.4# helpless infant who overcame life-threatening obstacles after obstacle in a lonely incubator for the first several months of his life, and who will forever be my "baby". Even though he is now 3 yrs old. He IS very small, so small that many people think he is barely 2. Yet he wants to do all the big kid stuff ~ the huge "blow-up" slides, the jupiter jumps ~ everything. No matter how many "big kids" threaten. And here is Mommy about to blow a gasket every time a "big kid" knocks my son over, or they crash heads, or ANYTHING. I have to literally exit the area sometimes just to keep my sanity.
Well, tonight I know many people questioned my sanity as I did! We were at a Family Funfest where most of the kids had "sensory issues". I kept arguing over and over with my husband about what was "safe" and what wasn't for Andrew to do...all the while Andrew is screaming to go on the GIANT inflatables ~ REALLY alot of pressure. When he went on the giant slide, he was slower and the "big kids" would go around him or tell him to hurry. Well it made Andrew mad and then he would stubbornly refuse to go at all ~ we could hear his little voice saying "go away big kids" as he doggedly chased these boys back and forth the top of this inflatable slide, pushing them away. They just wanted to be left alone! lol So my husband and I are both yelling from down below ~ "go Andrew, it's your turn ~ GO!". Finally he went.
Then Drew wanted to go on the Jupiter Jump, even though my Mommy's instinct was screaming "NOOOOOO" as I looked at the chaos inside, with kids twice his size crashing and jumping and flailing around. I end up being the "bitch" every time and kept telling my husband NO while Andrew struggled to get out of his arms to RUN into the inflatable. It would have been fine IF my husband would LISTEN to my Mommy wisdom and STOP arguing with me. Poor Andrew is caught in the middle every time, as we continue to deteriorate in communication and instead ARGUE at the most pressured times, instead of talking and agreeing BEFOREHAND on what we will do and not do.
Every time this happens I feel like a heel. Like I'm the "party pooper" of the family and I end up giving in, against my better judgement. Well I did the same thing tonight ~ I gave in at the last moment and quickly took Andrew's shoes and socks off to let him fly into the mess. Once your child is actually IN a jupiter jump is when you REALIZE the true dangers ~ as you see them flying in the air with NO control and being stepped on by huge feet, capable of snapping my son's tiny limbs with one blow. At least that is what I see. THAT is the pressure I speak about in this post.
I yelled for Andrew to come out to no avail. He kept looking at me like, PLEASE SAVE ME MOMMY. But of course, wouldn't come out, instead taking that ONE MORE temptation to experience the "big kid" world a little longer. When another kid started bawling after crashing his head into my son's head, that was the kicker. I became "NINJA MOM". As the next kid tried to enter the jump (there were already way too many in there for safety sake), I grabbed his shirt as it stretched almost off his body, trying to pull him out of the entrance, to no avail. I know people were staring, but I couldn't control myself. My eyes darted from glaring at my husband across the netting on the other side (also trying to coax Andrew out), to the lady "in charge" at the entrance of the jump. Then something came out of my mouth that shocked even me. You see, I'm the most docile person you could meet (usually). I cry when ambulances pass by with their sirens on, or when I see a dead racoon in the road. I believe that words have great power, and USUALLY I try to keep that in mind before I speak. But lately, with all the pressure and trauma of my son's premature birth and the Mommy bear in me coming out in full force, I have noticed that my emotions are EVERYWHERE and I can't keep things stuffed inside, like I've done all my life. I let it rip.
So here I am cussing like a sailor outside the jupiter jump ~ cursing my husband for making me second-guess myself and putting my son in danger. The woman just looked at me with no response, as I kicked my flip-flops off and lumbered my big butt into that small hole of an entrance, slithering like a snake in quick-sand. I'm so glad Andrew didn't put up a fuss. I think he was in shock like the rest of the "audience" and actually let me pick him up and drag him out. The same kid who crashed his head into Andrew, grabbed my foot as I was moon walking out of there, so I'm saying "let go sweetie" as I realized how ludicrious this looked. When we finally made it out of never-never land, I gathered my composure and my shoes, and bravely glanced around to see if anyone was watching. lol As if my preview of foul language had gone unnoticed or something? I wish.
We hurriedly got to the car before I unleashed my wrath. Really it wasn't wrath, but I did ask my husband to PLEASE not argue with me next time I didn't feel comfortable about something. It seems like I'm the one who ends up looking like the fool every time and my self-esteem suffers greatly. I just wish I was more confident and didn't second-guess myself so much and beat myself up for making flimsy decisions that I sometimes later regret. I so wanted Andrew to be able to enjoy the jupiter jump like all the other kids, but I also KNEW it probably wasn't the best idea in this circumstance. Then I get angry because I wish my husband would HELP ME and we could communicate beforehand, and not in front of Andrew about these situations. GAHHHHHHH! Side note: (Hubby later said that same kid (in the jupiter jump) socked him in the nose through the net, so I secretly got a little chuckle, thinking "you deserved it, Bud, after putting me through that."
That was my Mommy experience for tonight. Then we went home and watched Barney and all was forgiven. Or so I hope. But not before I beat myself up again for seeing the true things inside, that only come out under pressure. My husband's neck has been bothering him, and of course, looking over at him in the car, I suddenly felt a huge swell of compassion and regret for being so angry. More tears. I know we have both gone through alot and I'm so thankful we're still here and together. Even though we have so much to learn. Will we? I shed tears every day over experiences like this very one. NO ONE TOLD ME HOW MIND-BLOWING IT IS TO BE A MOMMY. But thank God for the humor in it all ~ for the amazing teacher Andrew is. Thank you, God, for never giving up on us and loving us. For teaching us your love through the love of a Son.