August 31, 2011
weaving love untangling confusion: Opening
weaving love untangling confusion: Opening: I did this painting several years ago, trying to depict and describe the beautiful pain that comes when love opens you up deeper than bef...
August 29, 2011
The Third Eve: Adoption As Legalized Kidnapping
Wanted to share with readers an amazingly gifted writer and philosopher, The Third Eve...her posts and poems have moved me beyond words and lifted my thoughts higher.
"What I'd Like the World to Know About My Son"
Could have written this myself...
What I’d like the world to know about my son
August 12, 2011 by shimmerbutterfly
Our son, let’s call him J, was diagnosed by an occupational therapist (OT) a month ago as having Sensory Processing Disorder. Although being alerted to something amiss by his crèche teacher about a year ago, it took us a while to pinpoint how to get help, what exactly to get help for, to fight with our medical aid for authorization, and to just accept that our son might have a disorder.
Seeing as this is brand new to our families, friends and others in our circle, I thought it would be good to share what my husband and I want them (and the rest of the world) to know about our son.
• SPD is a neurological disorder, which means his brain cannot properly decipher the messages his nerves are sending it. It messes with his ability to decipher messages from his sense of hearing, touch etc.
• It is NOT a mental disorder as Oprah Winfrey mistakenly portrayed it in one of her recent episodes.
• He isn’t retarded, slow or mentally challenged. In fact, he is bright as a button and advanced in quite a few spheres.
• He doesn’t have a behavioural problem. When he refuses point blank to do something, is aggressive, or has a ‘meltdown’ it is because he either cannot properly interpret sensory input or he is trying to protect himself from unknown sensory onslaught.
• When he suddenly begins screaming and runs terrified by a sudden noise, he is not ‘acting up’ or being silly. It is because he cannot stand sensation in his ears.
• When he is faced with a new situation and refuses to participate or enjoy it like other children, he is not being defiant or picky. It is because he feels threatened and cannot handle all the new sensory information being thrown at him as fast as other children can.
• When he has an ‘accident’ in his pants after holding in a poo all day, it is not because he is a ‘baby’, it is because his interoceptive (internal) sense still has figure out how to tell his brain that his body needs to ‘go’.
• When he flits from one activity to another like a butterfly, is super distracted, and gets up and does his own thing, he is not ignoring instructions to settle down/participate or is deliberately being disruptive to the class.
• He is not sometimes anti-social because he is shy or because he wants to be a loner. Sometimes he needs to separate from others because they are loud, scary, unfamiliar or there are too many people for his senses to cope with.
• He is not demon possessed. You might be tempted to think so when he’s sick or when he is overwhelmed with sensory information!
• He is not being spoiled or attention-seeking when he overreacts to being hurt and takes ages to calm down. His senses have just been dealt an extra traumatizing blow.
• He is not being irrational or a cry-baby when he freaks out at a seemingly harmless situation or a creature with which he has previously had an unpleasant experience.
• He is not being ungrateful or spoiled if he refuses certain foods. He likes a limited repertoire of textures and tastes he can handle and is familiar with.
• He does things ritualistically because doing familiar things feel safe and limits the possibility of unfamiliar input.
• His condition is not imaginary and there is no quick fix. He will grow out of some of it, and a lot of occupational therapy, love, understanding and prayer will help him to cope with the rest of it.
My son goes through life chronically stressed out and on the defensive. J’s OT described him as ‘clinging to the corner of the ceiling’ – I almost cried when I heard that. Our task is now to get him down to earth and into a tricky balance between awareness and attentiveness.
So this is what my husband and I would like the world to know about our son before they judge him: He is an exceptional little boy – a gentle, sensitive, loving and compassionate soul who is often misunderstood and mishandled because of his sensory issues. He is a miracle of God (born after a difficult pregnancy), an answer to a longstanding prayer (born after 15 years of marriage) and a constant reminder that parenting a child with extra needs is certainly not for sissies!
http://www.spdbloggernetwork.com/2011/08/12/what-id-like-the-world-to-know-about-my-son/
August 28, 2011
God's Near
As adoptee's, knowing our identity is a crucial first step toward healing...as well as acknowledging the wound of abandonment.
Reunion can be a key factor in all of this...but what I've found is this:
After the "honeymoon", and the journey of integration...finding the answers to "Who am I?"...I've realized my place in the family of my birth (even after 20 years into "reunion") can never be completely restored...the years of separation coupled with the shame and myths which cloak "adoption" twists minds and hearts.
Relationships are marred.
It is both a blessing and a curse finding your birth family in the same town in which you live and grew up. I am surrounded by "family", but feel alone.
It feels horrible that I can't think of one family member as an "emergency contact" for my son at school, where he is struggling also. How could I, when we don't spend adequate time together to really know each other enough for Andrew to feel comfortable?
I de-activated my Face Book account because I am tired of putting on a "smiling face" like everything's ok, when I see family & friends living their daily lives with the support of "normal" family relationships.
I don't think adoptee's ever escape completely the feeling of being "neither here nor there."
Through tears, I've even questioned God's love.
It dawned on me, though, after running from Him, that His heart was hurting too.
He's the only One who loves perfectly.
His acceptance is not based on our performance, and for that I'm thankful...especially when I feel discouraged.
Psalm 27:9-11
New Living Translation (NLT)
Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
O God of my salvation!
Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord will hold me close.
Teach me how to live, O Lord.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.
August 21, 2011
it is what it is
© Photographer: Galdzer | Agency: Dreamstime.com
Change: To lay aside, abandon, or leave for another; switch. (American Heritage Dictionary)
Maybe THAT'S it. This definition of change explains why the last few weeks have been so hard for me. Everything is changing. Or so it seems. Being adopted (sounds eerily similar to the definition above) is tricky, and living 43 years of it, I'm convinced it weaves more complex layers of emotion than most people experience in a life-time. Exhausting.
Mom got married last night. She's 80 and met an extremely nice man in her assisted living center a few weeks ago. They had a whirlwind romance which culminated in what rivaled a "royal wedding" (media and all). I'm still in the middle of the whirlwind...but so happy for her! She was a beautiful Bride.
So thankful I was able to enjoy it with her, even through the fatigue of planning a wedding during the same time my son was transitioning schools.
Considering his sensory issues, my son was amazing last night. He tried his hardest to hold it together. All after his first week of kindergarten in a new (huge) school. He only stuck out his tongue once and stomped on one foot the whole evening. Thank goodness it was a friend who understands. (It was Mom's teasing that taught him to stick out his tongue in the first place ~ thanks, Mom).
Before the wedding I had to talk my son down from horrible anxiety. And when I say anxiety, I mean it. He can't deal with strong feelings sometimes and behaviors ensue ~ like head banging, darting away, yelling, saying he "hurts inside" and wanting to "get out of here." We were at the brink of leaving with him, so conflicted about what to do...put my son through something obviously hard for him (to please my Mom), or try to talk him through it and see it is a growing experience...thank you, Lord, for helping us.
The photographer from the paper (yes, the media was there in full force because the assisted living center was so nice to host the ceremony) actually helped a lot. She got on his level and talked gently to him (she has an eight-year old, she said), till he felt comfortable enough to take pictures with us and his Grandma...and then walk right down the aisle like he knew what he was doing. Whew!
I explain all that to say this...I'm so done. I can't wear myself out anymore with all this stress. I'm tired. My head was spinning by the time I got home last night, too exhausted to sleep (again). I put on a smiling face, but at home I struggle. I know most people do. Life. Right?
Adoption never ends. It colors everything for an adoptee. I'm just thankful I've grown over the years through my search & reunion, the pain, and joys, to finally accept...it is what it is...and enjoy and embrace the present. (When not under so much stress, at least).
Last night, for example, as Mom and I were walking back to her room to get some things after the wedding, she commented about how many people complimented her on her family...
"You always looked so much like Nanny (my adoptive Grandmother) that no one even questioned and we never had to think about the fact that you weren't really ours...I mean in THAT way...You know what I mean...you ARE ours, BUT..."
It struck me that I've heard this same scenario at every major milestone in our family's history...since I was a little girl. And speaking of "little girl"...do adoptee's ever really grow up...or are we forever children? It sure seems that way, especially when we can't even access our own birth certificate as adults. Loyalty issues from day one.
I so enjoyed seeing many long-time friends, and Mom's new husband's family. I also couldn't help but notice how mothers & fathers, with their children and grandchildren all share family similarities through the generations.
I'm enjoying an amazingly special day with my Mom, while trying to ignore pain that I'm not with the family of my birth. You can never get it all back.
It's taken years of riding this roller-coaster of search & reunion to integrate my identity, know who I am, and embrace my family for what it is...the good, bad, and ugly. Much better than trying to live how adopted people are expected to live..."it is what it isn't." Pretending.
Someone mentioned to me, "You have a new Dad". What? I had to stop and think about what they said. A new Dad? It never occurred to me that my Mom's new husband is legally my step-father now. That his family is my family too. That's how adoptee's roll, actually. We experience ambivalence everywhere we go, because we never had what most people have and need...that strong bond as a baby with our mothers, the families of our birth, those we came from and look like and act like. We have to adjust and adjust we do. But inside we sometimes feel lost.
Probably the most awkward moment in the wedding was when the preacher asked "Who gives this woman away?" Huh??? I guess he had spoken with my husband earlier about that part of the ceremony, but it was quite a surprise to me. Interesting concept.
So, I guess I met my "new family" for the first time last night. Talk about ambivalence...this wedding was planned so fast none of us have had time to think or feel. My Mom's husband's grandson and his wife was there with their four-month-old daughter all dressed up in her wedding best...so darling. Even after a long evening she had a big, peaceful smile on her face, perfectly content resting in her Mother's arms.
Yet another reminder of adoption, prematurity, and life-longings of the early mother/child relationship. How can an innocent wedding evolve into an emotionally-charged land-mine?
On the outside, no one would have known I was tired & numb, and emotionally navigating adoption even as a grown woman, wife, and mother.
Laughter abounded, and I so hope my Mom and her new husband have many more years of amazing joy. I know years from now we will look back with great joy at what a beautiful evening we had together as a family. Because we did.
August 20, 2011
A birth certificate is a factual document not a rewrite of history
A birth certificate is a factual document not a rewrite of history
A birth certificate is for life and should not be used to rewrite chapters in a child’s life.
Should a birth certificate record a child's genetic and biological history, even if the people who brought them into the world hate each other, live on opposite sides of the planet, spent just one crazy week together, or arranged conception like a business deal through a newspaper advertisement?
This week's court case throws up interesting questions about the notion of what it means to be recognised as a parent.
In what appears to be a complex case involving the acrimonious breakdown of a number of relationships, one gets the sense that in spite of the legal proceedings, all parties believe they have the best interests of the child front of mind.
We might stop and ask, what is the purpose of a birth certificate? Should it be an organic, evolving document or a static synopsis?
Essentially a birth certificate is a legal document; a factual snapshot captured at the beginning of a person's history. In most cases it is an acknowledgment of certain biological realities, sets out information about parentage and enables the state to gather statistical information about birth numbers, names and gender ratios.
And turns out that it can also be used by a US president to prove his citizenship status. This year Barack Obama was forced to produce his own certificate to put to rest rumours about his legitimacy to hold the office of President.
From it we know that he was born in Hawaii, that his mother was an 18-year-old from Wichita, Kansas, and that his father, a university student, aged 25, was born in Kenya. Barrack Hussein Obama II came into the world on August 4, 1961 at 7.24pm.
What the document doesn't tell us is who loved Obama, fed him, paid for his education, taught him to read, took him to his annual dentist appointments and encouraged him to believe that one day he could be President.
We know that from an early age Obama was not raised by his biological father and that he grew up living for a time in Indonesia with his mother and stepfather and a younger half sister, and later lived in Hawaii primarily in the care of his maternal grandparents.
Being named on a birth certificate doesn't make for a great parent. Not being named doesn't equate to insignificance.
Like Obama, many children grow up with only one biological parent, with step-parents, same-sex parents, grandparents, siblings, half-siblings and step-siblings forming part of the modern day non-nuclear family unit. In the long run, surely it is the people who take on the responsibility of raising and loving a child that count, not a name on a document.
Does anyone actually care who is listed as the birth parents on what, let's not forget, is the child's – not the parent's – certificate? When we occasionally have to use our birth certificates for identification purposes, it is not the names of our parents that are scrutinised.
All couples now have the legal right to make a decision to include a mother, a father and a mother, or two mothers on their child's birth certificate.
Just as our children have to put up with the names we bestow on them until they turn 18, it should be incumbent on parents to record the details as they stand at the time of the birth and live with their choices and actions.
We all accept that relationships break down and circumstances may change for parents and children, but birth certificates should whenever possible be preserved. They should not be used as manuscripts for parents, step-parents, lesbian or gay partners or others who are or who have been involved in a child's life to rewrite chapters of their child's history when they decide to recalibrate their own lives.
Emma McDonald is a lawyer and freelance writer.
Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/a-birth-certificate-is-a-factual-document-not-a-rewrite-of-history-20110818-1izq4.html#ixzz1VZ8eDBMx
August 10, 2011
3 Plead Guilt in "Baby-Selling" Ring
Oh, what a tangled web we weave. Read this telling quote from this article below:
"The defendants obtained pre-birth judgments that named the adoptive parents on the babies' birth certificates."
It is cases like this that drive home the injustice and complete disregard of the civil identity rights of human-beings who are "touched" by adoption.
A birth certificate is a government document that is routinely "falsified" in adoption, surrogacy, and "donor" situations. The victims are the defenseless babies who have no rights. They are commodities in the "business" of adoption or surrogacy, because state laws are biased on the side of the brokers (lawyers & agencies) and the buyers (adoptive or "intended" parents). When these precious babies grow up, they suddenly become voiceless adults without the right to obtain their original birth certificate, and many times, don't even have an accurate birth certificate on file ("sealed" or otherwise).
The only other time in American history where it was acceptable to change a human-being's identity and keep personal government documents from whom they belonged, was during American slavery. People were used as "goods".
It is ridiculous that in our society, adult adoptees are having to fight for their right to a non-falsified (versus "amended") birth certificate. We, our children and those generations after us deserve to know our genetic histories and make-up. Yet, adoption law in America continues to allow for "reasonable" fees & expenses (to the tune of thousands of dollars), "pre-birth" agreements, and the "sealing" & "amending" of the Certificate of Live Birth to reflect false information regarding true genetic parentage. This is a national travesty.
As Dr. Martin Luther King so wisely stated, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
3 plead guilty in California 'baby-selling ring' - KTUL.com - Tulsa, Oklahoma - Coverage You Can Count On
August 8, 2011
FAMILY PRESERVATION ADVOCACY: Ethics and Morality in Adoption, Part II
FAMILY PRESERVATION ADVOCACY: Ethics and Morality in Adoption, Part II: "This is the second post on the ethics and morality of adoption s spurred by the case of Aneyli who was kidnapped from Guatemala and subseque..."
August 6, 2011
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