July 28, 2010

A Bone to Pick


We're enjoying a much needed vacation, and this morning I happened to turn on the morning news and caught the breaking news of the "mislabeled" graves at our nation's Arlington Cemetery. A Legislator from Missouri was speaking about the "heartbreak" of thousands of American families because of not knowing the true place of their loved-one's burial.

My gut jerked with sadness ~ not only over the facts of this story, but also over the hypocrisy of the way we treat the living. Those buried bones will never live again (at least in this life), but there are MILLIONS of Americans still living and breathing every day with the confusion of not knowing their own identity. Adult adoptee's live every day with their own original birth certificate's sealed in a fraudulent ("amended") grave.

Ezekiel 37:12 in the Old Testament says this: "I will breathe upon your graves and cause you to come up, and bring you into the land." This is God's promise I am standing on for all 6 million adult adoptees in our nation.

Legislator's: Please think about the living bones of adopted individuals as you consider the tragedy of mistaken and fraudulent places of rest. Pass laws which will give truth and rest to the living as well.

July 19, 2010

For The Records II

FOR THE RECORDS II: AN EXAMINATION OF THE HISTORY AND IMPACT OF ADULT ADOPTEE ACCESS TO ORIGINAL BIRTH CERTIFICATES

Authors: Dr. Jeanne A. Howard, Susan Livingston Smith, and Georgia Deoudes.
Published: 2010 July. New York NY: Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute
Document Type: Policy Brief (46 pages)

http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/research/2010_07_for_records.php

"For the Records II: An Examination of the History and Impact of Adult Adoptee Access to Original Birth Certificates" is based on a years-long examination of relevant judicial and legislative documents; of decades of research and other scholarly writing; and of the concrete experiences of states and countries that have either changed their laws to provide these documents or never sealed them at all.

The Institute's report suggests that, while a growing number of states have restored OBC access to adopted people once they reach the age of majority, efforts to accelerate the trend have been impeded by misunderstandings about the history of this controversial issue, misconceptions about the parties involved (especially birthmothers), and mistaken concerns about the impact of changing the status quo – e.g., legislators often assume that negative consequences will occur but, in fact, they do not.

Among the findings in the 46-page Policy Brief, which updates and expands the Institute's November 2007 report, "For the Records: Restoring a Right for Adult Adoptees," are:

•Barring adopted adults from access to their OBCs wrongly denies them a right enjoyed by all others in our country, and is not in their best interests for personal and medical reasons.
•Alternatives such as mutual consent registries are ineffective and do not meet adoptees' needs.
•The vast majority of birthmothers don't want to be anonymous to the children they relinquished.
The recommendations in the Institute's new Policy Brief include:

•Every "closed" state should unseal OBCs for all adult adoptees, retroactively and prospectively.
•States that already provide limited OBC access should revise laws to include all adult adoptees.
•No professional should promise women anonymity from the children they place for adoption.
------------------

Executive Summary
At a time when an array of complex adoption-related concerns are being discussed from Haiti to Moscow to Beijing, within the adoption community in our country, one seemingly simple question continues to receive the most consistent, intense attention: Should adopted adults, like all other Americans, be allowed to have their original birth certificates? Indeed, for over a generation, no other adoption issue has generated more debate or caused greater division.

Today, more efforts to restore adult adoptee access to original birth certificates (OBCs) are being mounted than ever before. In the three legislative sessions that have begun since the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute's November 2007 publication of "For the Records: Restoring a Legal Right for Adult Adoptees" (of which this report is an update), OBC legislation has been introduced from coast to coast. In the 2009-2010 sessions alone, lawmakers in at least 11 states considered the issue - and in at least one, Illinois – they have enacted a statute in recent weeks significantly expanding OBC access, making theirs the seventh state to do so in the last decade. During the same period, Massachusetts has implemented a narrower OBC access law, while activists in several more states, including New Jersey and Rhode Island, have been organizing, fund-raising, and taking other steps intended to result in yet more legislation.

Though support is clearly growing for the "open records" movement, as it is often called, proponents are hardly declaring that victory is on the horizon. Most of their efforts have been unsuccessful, and many of the OBC laws that have been enacted are compromises that grant access to some adoptees but not to others; these compromises open an emotional divide among advocates on whether they are championing the majority or betraying those left behind.

A major reason such compromises are offered – and why more states have not enacted access legislation – appears to be that much of the debate has been muddied by misunderstandings about the history of the issue, misconceptions about the parties involved, and mistaken concerns about the consequences of changing the status quo. It is commonly argued during the legislative process in every state, for instance, that OBCs are sealed to protect the anonymity that birthmothers were promised, and that changing the rules now would undermine their lives and be harmful in other ways (such as increasing the number of abortions). An examination of the research and other evidence, however, shows that all those assertions are flawed or incorrect.

This paper examines the most current evidence related to restoring adult adoptee access to original birth certificates, updating the Adoption Institute's 2007 For the Records report.

A lengthy examination and analysis of the arguments on both sides of the debate leads to these primary findings:

•Barring adopted adults from access to their original birth certificates wrongly denies them a right enjoyed by all others in our country, and is not in their best interests for personal and medical reasons.
•Alternative solutions to providing adopted adults access to their OBCs, such as mutual consent registries, are ineffective and do not adequately address the needs of adopted persons.
•The overwhelming majority of birthmothers do not want to remain anonymous to the children they relinquished for adoption and support (or do not oppose) those children's access to their OBCs.
•Providing adult adoptees with access to their original birth certificates does not threaten the integrity of adoptive families or the institution of adoption; indeed, the evidence suggests that the opposite is the case.
•In other countries and in U.S. states that have restored adopted adults' access to OBCs, or never sealed these records at all, there is no evidence of any of the significant negative consequences critics predict.
Based on these findings, the Adoption Institute recommends significant changes in current adoption law and policy in order to restore adopted persons' rights to information about their origins and heritage - and to achieve equality for the members of all families, regardless of how they are formed.

RECOMMENDATIONS
•Every state should restore unrestricted access to original birth certificates for all adult adoptees, retroactively and prospectively. The experiences of many other countries, of U.S. states where birth certificates have never been sealed from adopted persons, and of those states that have restored access, all indicate that there are few if any problems when access is granted. There is no significant legal, experiential or factual rationale for denying adopted adults the right to access their OBCs – a right that is enjoyed by all non-adopted Americans. Allowing access with the provision for contact preference forms is a practical solution that affords birthparents a greater opportunity to express their wishes – and therefore greater "protection" than they currently have with sealed records.


•State laws that provide access to original birth certificates to a limited number of adult adoptees should be amended to enable them all to obtain these documents and thereby be treated equally. Allowing some adopted citizens access while denying it to others is inequitable on its face. The evidence in states that place restrictions on who may obtain OBCs is the same as it is in states that allow universal access; i.e., none of the predicted negative consequences occur. So there is no substantive reason to prevent an expansion of their laws to include all adopted persons once they reach the age of majority.


•No agency, attorney, social worker or other adoption professional should promise birthparents that their identities will remain concealed from their children. There is no constitutional, legally enforceable "right to privacy" for birthparents from the children they created. Some states that sealed OBCs in the past have opened them and more are likely to do so in the future. Moreover, courts may open records upon petition and, finally and most pointedly, it is becoming increasingly possible for birthparents (among others) to be found via the internet, through search professionals, and with other modern resources. As a consequence of all those factors, it is clear that anonymity cannot be assured with any certainty; promises of lifelong confidentiality are therefore contrary to best adoption practices.


•A national adoption registry should be implemented to enable all adopted persons and their birthparents, no matter where they reside, to participate. Registries should not ever be viewed as an alternative to access to OBCs, and the evidence is clear that state-specific mutual consent registries are generally ineffective. A well-publicized national registry, however, would allow adoptees, birthparents and other family members to find each other across state lines, thereby mitigating some current problems and playing an important role until all states restore the right of adopted adults to access their original birth certificates.


•Confidential intermediary services should be available throughout all states, even after original birth certificates access is restored. Many if not most adopted persons, birthparents and other involved parties prefer to search and make contacts themselves - but some want or need help. Confidential intermediaries can be valuable resources to provide guidance and support for those who are unsure about making contact to obtain information or to arrange a reunion. Ideally, these services should be either subsidized by the state or made available at a very reasonable cost to participants.


CONCLUSION
Some opponents of restoring access to original birth certificates cast adult adoptees' desire for this basic information about themselves as a matter of curiosity, a simple interest that can be satisfied through other means, while others express seemingly substantive concerns about the implications of altering current law. Some proponents of unsealing OBCs focus on search, reunion and medical information as the key issues, while others say the bottom line need not include any of those issues because the debate is really about equal rights and social justice.

Wherever one stands, this much is clear: The laws on the books in most states do not benefit the vast majority of the affected parties, and therefore should be changed. Modern adoption practice, with its emphasis on openness, honesty and family connections should be the operating model. It is time to end the secrecy that has not only resulted in shame and stigma for nearly everyone concerned, but also has undermined the institution itself by sending a signal from the very start – at the time a birth certificate is issued – that adoption has something to hide.

July 18, 2010

Finding Me

Pink Bathroom
© Photographer: Cammeraydave | Agency: Dreamstime.com

Today at church I got this "revelation" about adoptees. 
 We're not really able to publicly grieve or even acknowledge the pain hidden deep inside over the loss of our mother's or our original selves.
 
No, we HAVE a family ~ we're "special" & "chosen".
 
WHY WOULD WE NEED TO GRIEVE ANYTHING? 

So I got up from my seat after church (wiping away tears) and high-tailed it quickly into the restroom to "freshen" up.
 
I hurried past the rest of church society intermingling, conversing, sharing, connecting ~ and made a bee-line for the bathroom, as usual.
Didn't want them to see me completely undone emotionally.

Why? 
 
Because then I'd have to be REAL.
And what I realized is that most of society DOESN'T WANT the REAL ME.
They want the "Happy to be Adopted" me.
The one who, sure, may have a HINT of CURIOSITY, but nothing that really affects me deeply ~ because I am fulfilling the role that was written out on my amended birth certificate, my adoption decree. 
WHO I AM SUPPOSED TO BE.

Society buys into this and shrinks back from any adoptee who breaks free and dares to become REAL ~ not just the person they were legally created to be ~ but who God created them to be.
 
And embrace. Heal. Live.
But many times it has to be done alone. And in secret, like sealed records in the courthouse.
 
Adoption is like that somehow.

It creates LIES to COVER truth...true parentage, true identities, true stories, true realities.
 
Replaced by man-made truths...new parentage, new identities, new "realities".
 
New certificates. New names. New homes. New lives.

But nothing man-made lasts.
It eventually crumbles and TRUTH prevails. Even through great pain.

I'm so glad that Someone wants to know the real me.
Even if I am in a bathroom stall crying, seemingly alone.

July 17, 2010

... random thoughts



...God WHY can't I be the Martha Stewart type?
...can't put down my latest read..."The English-American"
...so much to do, but even with a to-do list, I still forget
...hope we can keep scraping by without me having to work FT
...'cause my energy level is barely making it now
...these vitamins from Akins are amazing
...God please help me stop eating ice cream
...am so looking forward to the next Beth Moore Bible study at church
...man, it's hot
...the 4th was SO fun, being with my family
...wish my Dad would call
...STILL shook up over "Mother & Child"
...am SO looking forward to Adoptee Rights Day in Louisville
...can't believe I'm going!
...hope our car holds out for the trip
...am happy for my husband to get to visit his grandmother
...wish I could FOCUS!
...trying not to think about the upcoming week, starting with tomorrow's doctor's visit and possible minor surgery for my son...now a consult with the dentist too
...thankful its been 2 years since his last surgery...for health...and praying his ears will be clear tomorrow and the antibiotics will not affect his stomach or sensory regulation
...so happy for my Mom who has found "love" at 79 years of age...she's never in her room when I call and has a new spring in her step...amazing
...Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness
...weeding out the "fat" pictures from our latest family photos and wishing there weren't so many to weed...dang
...loving the look on my son's face...miracles
...should go to bed now!

July 9, 2010

Wo Ai Ni Mommy (Review)



Just sat through a premiere screening of an enlightening new documentary by Stephanie Wang called "Wo Ai Ni Mommy" ("I Love You Mommy") and can't even put into words the thoughts spinning through my head...

It's about a Jewish family from New York as they travel to China to adopt an 8 year old Chinese girl who has lived with her beloved foster family most of her life, mainly to fulfill the role of "big sis" to the "baby" of the family, a 3-year old "daughter", also adopted from China.

The first time this little girl laid eyes on her new "Mother" was caught on tape at a busy airport (or somewhere chaotic) that was so noisy you could barely hear the words being spoken. It all seemed so rushed and hurried, almost in a panic. What words you do hear are translated into English subtitles...phrases like, "You are no longer...your new name is "Faith"..."Don't call your foster mother, this is your new "Mommy"...Do you understand?

All this was overwhelming the little child whose tear-filled eyes resembled those of a scared animal more than a human. When asked if she had any questions, her only comments were that "the new 'Mommy' didn't look like the lady in the picture", and "Do you like fish?"

The horror-show only got worse...back at the hotel...the same hotel we had watched the adoptive mother as she sat on the bed nervously counting out stacks of crisp bills; commenting about how she really "didn't mind" the necessity of paying the expected "fees" necessary to seal the deal.

Almost immediately upon return, the English flash-cards came out and the tutoring began...this child HAD to learn English and fast. Giggles were heard throughout the auditorium as Faith (in her adorable accent) struggled to please and sound like her new Mommy's voice as she carefully sounded out words like "haaamburrger" and "iiiiscream" (how appropriate).

Days later they were still at it, when Faith finally fell over on the bed exhausted and made the plea that she didn't want to continue. Suddenly it became all about the adoptive Mother who insisted she "sit up, NOW!"

"How hard can this be Faith, is it really torture?", she chided.

The torment escalated to the point of what seemed like watching an interrogation of the little girl about "love", comparing her to the other "daughter" back home and asking if she thought her new "Mommy" was ugly because she was white and not Chinese!?!?

The most telling part of the documentary was when the adoptive mother and Faith met her foster family for one last lunch before their trip to America. The love in that family was tremendous and it was so painful to see the gradual "letting go" and self-explanation (It IS all for the best, isn't it?) this child and family were having to force themselves to believe in order to survive their painful separation.

Weeks later, back in America, when "Faith" would act out, the adoptive mother would hold her face...taunting her with, "HOW can I help you if you won't tell me what's wrong, "Faith"? The entire movie was full of subtle and not-so-subtle double-messages, typical of adoption in our society.

As the months went by, much to every one's relief, Faith appeared to "acclimate" to her new country, home, identity, and family. The "hissy fits" came further and further apart; the darling smiles and hugs intensified. She looked and acted more and more like your "typical" American girl...fighting over toys & lovin' "Hannah Montana". Much to every one's surprise ??? she even lost most of her Chinese language.

By the end of this raw "journey", the adoptive parents (at least temporarily) got exactly what they wanted, and the adoption system intended...an Americanized "daughter" who has completely shut herself off emotionally through disenfranchised (disallowed) grief.

What choice did she have?

As everyone (it seemed) RAVED about "how FAR she had come", I sat there in disbelief, wondering how far she's gone...numb to her feelings, identity and congruent self...forced to survive in her new world, being TOLD how to feel and act. Living the adoptive role she is expected to fulfill.
The name of this documentary could just as well be "Sit up, Shut up, and Suck it Up."

It is scheduled for premiere on PBS the end of August...

*I know there are different "points of view" when people watch this and mine is just one. What I am able to express is just the tip of the iceberg regarding the thoughts and feelings I'm still mulling through the day after...
I realize the girl will have "benefits" through adoption; I realize she is considered "special-needs" because her hands and feet are "weak" and that she may not have had as many "opportunities" in China, but...really? NOW her heart may be dead to her true self...which is worse?

The way adoption is accomplished is abuse...beginning with traumatic separations...to being "coached" (either directly or indirectly through societal expectations) how to feel and act about them (hence, survive)...amended birth certificates, sealed records, and disenfranchised grief through-out an adoptee's lifetime. All this because of the fact adoption is driven by the economic principles of supply & demand. The money involved corrupts the way countries view children and provide needed support (or lack thereof) for them and their families of origin. We can never really know WHY a child is "abandoned" or becomes "available" for adoption because of the almighty dollar.

There is NO REASON ethically for our society to keep tolerating this...the first step is to open all records (reveal truth) for adult adoptees and remove ALL MONEY from the transaction...it only sets the climate for conflict of interest and corruption. Children are not commodities...adult adoptees are not perpetual children.

July 1, 2010

Long Lost Relative Found and Celebrated

Long lost relative found and celebrated

By Stefania Seccia, Westerly News
July 1, 2010

June 20 was a busy day of celebrations for the Yuu-cluth-aht (Ucluelet) First Nations; it was Father's Day, an elder's birthday, young people were being given their traditional Nuu-chah-nulth names and a long lost relative was reunited with her family.

Nine years ago, Vi Mundy's sister passed away, but just before she died she recounted to her mother of a child she had and gave up for adoption years before.

"My sister was a nomadic person, very independent, but she would check in with the family from time to time," Mundy explained. "She lived all over the place, even in Hawaii, which is where she had her daughter."

The family was shocked, Mundy said, but time went on.

"About two months ago our [band] office got a phone call," Mundy said. "And they were asking for Rita."

Mundy said it was a social worker acting on behalf of the adoptive family of the baby, now 21-year-old woman, and said Rita was her biological mother.

"The girl from the office phoned my mother and told her the story," Mundy said. "We couldn't believe it, and we only knew it could be true because my sister told my mom six months before she died."

So, Mundy's mother phoned social services in Hawaii to find out if Rita could be this girl's mother.

"And could you believe it? My mother spoke to the same social worker who helped my sister 21 years ago," Mundy said.

Then she got back into contact with the social worker who was representing her granddaughter's adoptive family.

"We wanted to let her family know that we were interested in connecting, but we weren't sure if the daughter wanted to contact us," Mundy said. "We didn't want to put any pressure on her or scare her away."

But, Shalyce Parashonts had always wanted to find her family.

"Shalyce said that she always wanted to find her mother and where she came from," Mundy said.

Parashonts lives in Utah and her family is of the Peyote tribe, according to Mundy.

"She's completed her first year of university, and is very interested in the arts, singing and dancing," she said.

On June 20, amidst the naming ceremony, birthday celebration and Father's Day, Parashonts, and her father Travis Parashonts were brought in by canoe to Ittatsoo's shore.

"She sang with her father," Mundy said of the celebration. "She has a strong, clear voice. It's really strong."

Mundy described the evening as being very emotional for her 79-year-old mother who was not only celebrating her birthday, but met a family member she never thought she'd see.

"Her father only comes from a 260-member tribe," Mundy added. "He explained where they came from...and how his family raised her since she was only a few days old."

Travis also said how he was proud to reunite his daughter with all of her family, and was honoured by the reception they received from the YFN.

"It was the right thing to do," said Mundy.

--reporter@westerlynews.ca

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